Roll Call 158!

Thank you!

Maybe I should just stop obsessing about it

For me my pdoc said something that actually made sense last time, she was just like well it could be worse, ands its true, I could be way heavier....the spikes for me tend to be anxiety driven though.

That’s interesting. What’s more interesting is that she was able to feel everything else, too. Mind you, I can “pick up” on other people’s emotions just fine ... it’s just fear that tends to trip me up.

I’ve always been strange, as I’ve only ever been known for having extreme yet brief spells of anger at times. Never knew what to make of all that. Other than taking that damn antisocial personality disorder diagnosis seriously, that is. I’ve been trying to find another explanation this entire time since I got diagnosed when I was ****ing 18 ... and at this point, it looks like it’s starting to come full circle.

Akathisia actually caused me significant physical pain in a way I can’t describe easily.

SP: I thought AD was joking about the fear thing kinda like I know no fear

Me: I know she was. And I was joking about explaining fear. But then I scared myself even though I was kidding with myself but wasn't sure.. I felt the bad trip happening again.. I know I'm weird..

Theres many things that can be exact torture I've noticed..

Panic attack, dissociative panic attack, akathesia, full blown psychosis, dystonia, bad trip, .. idk what else I forget

Btw AD i thought you were joking with me. I didnt know you actually have problem with no fear. Das crazy D:

It’s okay to be weird. It’s not like I’m normal.

Ok I'll try and read again.. but I'll come back after an hour due to fear of missing out..

Oh, no worries. I realize how odd it probably sounds. It’s difficult to see it as much of a problem as I’m not at all distressed by it, I’m far more curious about how it “works” (or doesn’t work.)

It seems like fear is a form of torture in and of itself at least in the extremes, however, from what I’ve read about the entire topic and from what I’ve learned more directly over time. I can see that fear torments you. It does sound rather painful in many ways, painful in the psychological sense and, in the physical sense as well ...

I think this lack of fear is why I’ve never been truly affected by what would have been catastrophic trauma for anyone else.

Here's an interesting post I just made on Facebook.. It is inspired by my mental health and spirit journey feeling alone on this space rock that I have to share..

Nothing without everything can be explained by everything and anything can be explained by someone to make it right or wrong to anyone - which can make it right to most - But may be wrong, as it can also depend on perspective of also some or one.

This is why everything has a consciousness of everything as it is reincarnated into everything when there is no time-space through infinite time.

When you think but don't talk, you may talk. So when you are asleep (Unconscious and frontal lobe/prefrontal cortex shut off) but alive, you may dream. When you are alive but brain dead, you may die. So being alive is a dream. For a dream is not knowing you are dreaming, yet you can have a lucid dream, like being awake yet not knowing you're in a dream.. when you do, you are in psychosis, a schizophrenia (Losing touch with reality). You can also dream while awake (Sleepwalking) or delirium from a fever from alcohol ("Soul eating spirit") withdrawal, revealing the soul like a psychedelic ("Soul-revealing") and hallucinate like on DMT to visit the place of dying while alive as it is released in the brain before dying for real to kick start the initial phase of the next flip.

As these are all like a dolphin doing flips in the ocean. Underwater, it lives.. or does the dolphin truly live in the air when doing flips like a human that truly lives when "feeling" alive instead of just existing? And it dreams and dies, reincarnates like the unknown random hallucinating rock in Japan that generated this post for me.

Havent checked in to roll call in a while ...

I got the promotion at work. AM shift lead. Now I am my roommates supervisor. It's going to be challenging to navigate the dynamics of our relationship in and out of work

Hopefully she will be more cooperative rather than defiant!

I gots this tho.

Dealing with my psychiatrist is like pulling teeth: he never wants to do what I want him to do.

I am just peeved about that.

That is all.

Psychiatrists are annoying. They don't do anything you actually need unless you know how to put pressure on them and I also know not everyone can actually do that. Frustrating.

Yeah and me being such a pushover all the time doesn't help when people are manipulative.

I wonder if you're actually a pushover, or if it's the fact that truly manipulative people are good at what they do. I've seen very assertive people fall prey to manipulation and other mind games before. It isn't about who you are, but about who manipulative people are.

Loving this Spanish Christmas station on google play.....it’s so much more cool than American Christmas, it’s got better rhythm and guitar riffs etc added. Plus I can’t understand the lyrics which are often well not the best.

Two women always walks past me. The one without breast cancer said to me "Don't you get bored?" and I said "No I never get bored". I felt brain fried from doing things so I went to go outside while they were walking in and they said "Are you bored now?" And I said "Yeah now I am I'm going for a walk around the block" but wasn't really bored just mentally exhausted and needed to have a walk cuz I was craving cigarette.

Then today they walked past me again and I looked at them but didn't wave and then they said "Good morning" in a tone of voice as if I was being rude so I said good morning...

Then other people walked by and I said good morning..

I don't like her. That's why I didn't say good morning.. There's always problems everywhere I go with people..

I hate when people want to get to know me.. I still kinda have avoidant personality disorder.. I've had it ever since I was a kid.

I’m pretty sure I used to have avoidant pd as well, mostly because my social anxiety caused me such distress people were painful. Thing is all that changed after psychosis, meds and therapy....I actually like people now and can feel lonely sometimes when alone. I was thinking it might have to do with effects on serotonin from the atypicals similar to what mdma was doing for people. It’s amazing how we basically allow chemicals to dictate our personality ....kinda makes me wonder who I really am.

I feel like the psychedelics really helped me by rebooting my brain but I would still prefer to be a little less asocial. Or I don't. Idk.. I don't want to be too social.. I suppose that makes me slightly antisocial but I don't judge people.. I just rather not be as socially vibrant as them like "Good morning, bla bla bla - Oh you're having a baby? Congratulations!!! Is it a he or she? What's going to be the name???" or "Yeah the roads are really bad omg I almost got into an accident.. be careful of the ice the weather could be bad!!!" I just.. Can't stand it all..

People that don't know me seem to really hate me. Then when they get to know me, they realllyyy like me... It's weird. Also the phenibut hasn't kicked in and that's like the worlds best social drug. The withdrawal is gonna make me so antisocial.

And the weird things is... On different chemicals, you may be completely different yet not even notice..

I remember that day when you were pissed at me years ago and said, “no wonder people call you a sociopath.” I didn’t hate you at all, truth be told I thought it was a humorous (and astute) observation.

I’m not a judgmental person either. Though, like yourself I’m not a fan of small talk. I can do it but I find it all insufferably drab and terribly ordinary.

I was walking by the elevator and she said "boo".. I don't get it. Why do people do this to me? They're always laughing.

People are close-minded, they’re afraid of different.

I'm taking more phenibut so this nightmare is over.

I can see why people drink copious amounts of alcohol day in day out