Roll Call 169!!

Yeah, you're right.

I guess it's just hard because of the medicine I'm on right now. Or maybe I'm just unsure what the medicine is supposed to be doing right now. It was my thought to go take a prescribed Xanax but I honestly don't know if that'll help or hurt my anxiety these days. Not to put this solely on my pdoc, but I think he is so wishy-washy with what he suggests that I feel like I can do almost anything with the meds.

So I guess that might be what it's really about. Anxiety related to meds and what they're supposed to be doing. I know the combination has worked for a while and I know my pdoc wants me to continue on meds and stuff, but I am just super unsure about whether the meds cause my sluggishness and lack of motivation at times and the pdoc doesn't necessarily understand that. Of course, I want to continue on some level of meds. But, I also know that too high of dosages can be bad for me personally, as high dosages make me feel like a zombie.

Actually that's a really good idea..

There must be such thing as blue light filter glasses

My doctor says to only take one twice a month and that's ok. But I'm borderline dependent again. I can still sleep with a zopiclone which is good. I'm not anxious enough to stop drinking a strong coffee every afternoon.

But I'm gonna try and not take one for a week and just deal with the anxiety using coping techniques.

I'll only take one for a dissociative panic attack if I ever have one. I don't get normal panic attacks ever (If it's normal adrenaline - I kind of enjoy it) but dissociative panic attacks can last for hours and hours.

There is. They are targeted towards gamers but anyone can buy them anywhere.

It's like my adrenal glands have an unlimited supply of epinephrine to keep squeezing if they want.

Yeah I have a love / hate relationship with Xanax. Mostly hate. So I don't know if it's so good for me to take it regularly.

Definitely not 3x a day! If it's once a day, dependence slowly builds and you'll need two a day.. then three..

"It is no exaggeration when I say I'd rather have ten miles of rusty razor wire pulled slowly through my urethra than experience benzo withdrawal again."

Gonna sit outside and listen to the rest of the podcast... Will make chamomile tea.. Might need a towel to dry the lawn chair cuz it was raining..

Great bf woke me up tossing....going to go back to sleep but I must have slept one hour.......

I find cbt helpful for anxiety...a lot of anxiety for me comes from my thoughts about a situation that get amplified and go round and round. The woebot can be really helpful in identifying these and helping you recognize the logical fallacies but of course it’s even better to have a T help you.

FYI best sounds for sleep is the ocean sounds at Martha’s vineyard album......soooo good.

I'm a demon seed

Morning

Had coffee and worked out on the Dance Central game on my oculus vr. So fun! Gonna start working out if I can and make it a habit. Did it for about 20 min. Gonna try to eat healthy today aka not order take out, eat what’s at home.

Hm coffee, work out, and meds before 7AM. Not bad.

I’m not manic either. I could’ve easily slept in longer. Tired now too lol. But the coffee had me pumped up.

Still just very sad. More nightmares about my friend who passed away. i still am just in total shock here. Cannot believe he is gone.

I’m so sorry

I think my throat is partially closed up cuz my tonsils are still swollen ugh.

Gonna do my sketchbook today. I gotta return it by august.

Hugs bpcyclist....it I’ll probably take a while to grieve....

It’s possible....did the omeprazole help you at all?

No it didn’t

I think I’m gonna have to buy another sketchbook ugh. I don’t remember my login and it’s under my old email that got hacked.

Too expensive...contact them and explain....

Yea I’ll do that

I feel good today. For the 3rd day in a row, but last night had me in my feelings a bit. But I felt good during the day times. I always have trouble with night. But I worked out this morning and had coffee and took my meds too, at 7 or 7:30. It’s been an hour or so and I don’t feel super tired. Still, a little tired. And hungry. I really, really, really want some pan dulce aka Mexican sweet bread ugh. Want it so bad.

Thank you for the support, newtus--I really appreciate the thoughts.