Roll Call 177

I feel really out of energy.

I'm gonna try a guided meditation and I'll be back

I need to plan out what I'm gonna do tomorrow. I need to get my blood work done. If my friend is still up for walking me down there to get it done in the snow then I'll do that, if not we'll go another day. Definitely gotta vacuum. Watch a Christmas movie. Clean the kitchen. Read some. I think that's what I'll do. I'm thinking about staying up all night but am not sure. I want to binge watch stuff on Netflix and journal about things

I did 30 minutes of guided meditation this morning, it was helpful, hope you feel better

You should check out the app Balance sometime, they have all kinds of guided meditations. They have series of meditations for different problems. Like 10 for anxiety, 10 for productivity, 10 for motivation, communication skills, sleep, gratitude, just tons and tons of meditations. I've been using it since March. They gave a free 1 year trial in March to help people with stress due to the covid pandemic starting. My trial runs out this coming March but I definitely plan on paying for another year, I feel it's worth it

I spent an hour listening to guided meditation.

The Dexedrine has seemed to have worn off. I took an olanzepine.

I still take the olanzepine every evening instead of right before bed because it seems to help me - With my mood. I'm also still afraid of possible depersonalization/derealization if I don't take it.

Then as soon as I'm about to sleep, I'm hypomanic. I can be dancing around, vibing, thinking crazy thoughts - And then I take the zopiclone to hypnotize myself to sleep.

I'm starting to take only 1/2 of a zopiclone instead of a full one - It worked last night. I don't need to take a full one but I do it sometimes out of habit.

I like excitement or being in an impulsive/reckless state of mind - Yet I have a good handle on it now after my bad trip. People think it's because I've matured as I've gotten older but I always had a deep nihilistic view on the world and a funny care free/unaware and confident persona. I don't know how people deal with me. They either hate me or love me. And it's not even me. It's really weird.

I'd like to make a list of things to strive for like perfection and beneficial states of mind which is why I want to try microdosing - But I'm going to mention it to my psychiatrist first and try to understand what could happen.

I want to read and focus on PiHKAL but like everything, I always feel like I'm wasting time. While I was meditating, the guided voices always mentioned in a way, "Relax and don't overthink" - But I LIKE overthinking. It's entertaining. I find my thoughts and experiences to be entertaining - Even if they drive me completely nuts. I can scare myself sometimes which isn't good but I haven't been chronically paranoid in years.

I would like to be calm. But I'm just always hyper minded. What I'd mostly like is a middle ground between the two - To experience a state of both. Idk..

Dang UPS says my ring is going to be delayed until Monday.
Oh well. I wasn't expecting it until January anyway so I guess I can wait another couple of days.

The apartment manager just rang on my doorbell and dropped off a little holiday bag with a small sub, Cheetos, a can of coke, a disposable mask, a lavender body soap, and a sponge
Oh and a cookie

Aww and it’s a Christmas themed disposable mask too

Nice, Blue_Bird!

I sent my coworker a notebook that is personalized and has personalized scriptures along the bottoms of the pages for Christmas. Apparently she just got it and she said she is almost in tears. It's just what she needed. It's nice making someone happy for Christmas!

Changes being made to Psych Central on Monday:

Important! The next chapter for the Psych Central Forums

I’ve been on pc for almost a decade. So long, that they are changing owners. Wow.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I'm bored. I still have an hour and 15 minutes left of work.

Found this helpful:

10 Steps of Radical Acceptance | HopeWay

Got these today from the used game store. Records for my record player.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I did some yoga. Was feeling kind of agitated.

My sister just saw her doctor and she referred her to a psychologist who said she's having panic attacks. So that's 3 of us in the family that have them. My mom developed panic disorder after she was diagnosed with leukemia, I've had it since I was 18, and my sister now has it at 46

Errrr

I feel anxious or something

I should stop watching the news

I don’t watch it anymore. Or read any news sites. It was just too overwhelming and anxiety triggering for me. I feel much better since stopping

I'm so ****ing tired. Might switch back to Vyvanse because I did much better on it than Dexedrine.

I took 15mg XR and feel much better - Like I can open my eyes, do something and not be a sedated zombie. I feel normal. I can't believe all of these years I've been constantly adjusting meds - But I'm close to getting it right.

I'm gonna take 30mg XR in the morning and 15mg XR in the afternoon. That should be enough.

I'll let my psychiatrist know. I don't need the 5mg IR tablets.

I took 1g of phenibut which hasn't kicked in yet - It lifts my mood which wakes me up and also helps me sleep but I don't need it now.

I know that I mess with my meds etc but I just want to be better. Phenibut makes me manic and reckless so I only want to take it on social occasions.