[iamtwilight]

Alright, I realise I have some psychotic symptoms. I also realise that some of them do stress me, and "normal" life events that have occurred have stressed me even more.

I think about being persecuted quite a lot. I can't go to the city center on my own because I´m afraid my roommate will attack me if she sees me.

BUT also I have realised that the car that is sometimes parked near my home isn't my roommate's. I'm studying in an another town. She doesn't know I'm there. Now I'm on sick leave, I don't have to stress about anything else except the upping of Seroquel.

Still, my pdoc wants me to go to hospital.

I think that would be a bad idea because
a) there are a lot of people who would make me feel nervous (been there once as a patient, several other times as a guest)
b) they would screw my medication up
c) if I hallucinate and panic, they would just inject diazepam or something else into my arm instead of calming me down.
d) it is an environment where I would hallucinate more since there's nothing to do.
e) my roommate might be there.

The thing is, my pdoc won't believe that considering that I am "psychotic", I can function pretty well in my home environment. I can do chores, do stuff on my own, I'm even here on the computer, able to write a post.

I don't think being hospitalised would remove my psychotic symptoms. Instead, I would like "alternative" ways of relieving them, such as.. Well, one of my T's said that I can tell myself that a hallucination is a temporary disturbance in my brain, so it wont scare me as much. Stuff like that. Anyone agree?

It could all be taken care of in my home environment, and I could go to see my pdoc like, every day if she wants me to, and she could monitor how I'm doing or if I need to change meds.

Ugh, I just feel pretty clueless. I know I'm not like any of the patients at the psych ward. I'm happy. But my pdoc kind of "forced" me to go because that day I was a little down. I know the system is different over here in the north, but does anyone know what could be done? Can I still convince my pdoc that I don't have to go even though I "promised" to go?

[iamtwilight]

May I also add that even though I felt that last Wednesday, whilst taking an assessment test, I felt that one of the teachers was trying to sabotage my result, and I was bothered, I still did well on the test.

Not to boast or anything, but as an another example that I could survive school.

[spiritual_emergency]

<blockquote>
Still, my pdoc wants me to go to hospital.

I think that would be a bad idea because
a) there are a lot of people who would make me feel nervous (been there once as a patient, several other times as a guest)
b) they would screw my medication up
c) if I hallucinate and panic, they would just inject diazepam or something else into my arm instead of calming me down.
d) it is an environment where I would hallucinate more since there's nothing to do.
e) my roommate might be there.

The thing is, my pdoc won't believe that considering that I am "psychotic", I can function pretty well in my home environment. I can do chores, do stuff on my own, I'm even here on the computer, able to write a post.

I'm guessing that the doctor is motivated by three concerns:

1: That you might hurt yourself
2: That you might hurt someone else
3: That if either of the above happens, he/she will be held accountable for not hospitalizing you.

It seems to me that the difficulty will be convincing your doctor that you're capable of staying home. Therefore the critical questions are:

1: How do you know that you are?
2: If you know that you'll be capable of dealing with anything that comes up, how can you reassure your doctor's fears/concerns?

I do know of one individual who had opted to fully experience his psychosis -- at a certain point he actually hired a college student to come and hang out in his apartment just in case he got it into his head that he'd be capable of flying or something. I thought it was ingenious and demonstrated remarkable insight into self-care. Meantime, he never did want to fly and the student was happy to get paid to study.

I suspect that if you want to change your doctor's mind you're going to need to convince him/her that you're capable of taking care of yourself and that might mean assuring your doc that you'll be with someone who will be capable of recognizing when you're in a different plane of reality than they are.

You might have a friend or family member who could fulfil this role. Alternatively, you might have a place to go that could serve in this capacity. Are there any alternatives to hospitals in your area? Some cities/communities have the equivalent of halfway houses. You could also check with local support groups -- sometimes members will open up their homes to individuals who are temporarily going through a crisis. It's also possible that if you're living away from home you could temporarily return there.

Something else that might be helpful is to develop a plan in case things do escalate. Plan A might mean bringing in a friend to keep you company; Plan B might mean transferring to a different location such as your family home or a residential care facility; as a last resort, you might have Plan C -- going to a hospital.

Along with that plan it might be helpful to develop some guidelines as to when you'll do what. For example, if you're feeling a bit spacey but okay, maybe that's the time to call a friend. If you're feeling frightened (and so is the friend) maybe that's the time to go to the secondary location. If you want to jump off a bridge, maybe that's the time to go to the hospital.

You made your post this morning and it's now evening. I don't know how your day has progressed -- maybe you're at the hospital already. But if you're not, and if you're still feeling okay, maybe now is a good time to come up with a plan that you're comfortable with. You could then share it with your doctor as well as the concerns you cited above, and hopefully your doc would be comfortable with your plan too.

[spiritual_emergency]

PS: This article might have some ideas for you in developing a plan of treatment as well: Dr. Loren Mosher: Guidelines for Treatment of Psychosis.

You might not agree with everything in that article and that's fine -- take from it what you find useful. Above all, do keep your personal safety in mind. There are as many approaches to supportive treatment as there are people but the bottom line is that you should be safe whatever you do or wherever you go. If, at any point, you're not feeling safe, that's the time to holler for help.

[iamtwilight]

Thanks for the links! The tips were useful too. However, I'm still going have to go to the psych ward. The reason was left unclear for me. Even though I worked hard on convincing that my parents are watching over me every five minutes or so.

But.. There's nothing to be left anymore, so I've just decided to go with the flow and try to enjoy the time I have left in "freedom". Maybe I won't have to stay for so long since I'm pretty "normal" right now. Let's just hope for the best

[spiritual_emergency]

<blockquote>
Let's just hope for the best.

I'll cross my fingers for you, Katie.

Meantime, recalling your original list of concerns:

a) there are a lot of people who would make me feel nervous (been there once as a patient, several other times as a guest)
b) they would screw my medication up
c) if I hallucinate and panic, they would just inject diazepam or something else into my arm instead of calming me down.
d) it is an environment where I would hallucinate more since there's nothing to do.
e) my roommate might be there.

Knowing that you're going ahead of time, is there anything you can do or bring with you that could help you counteract the above? For example, are you allowed to bring items in with you, such as books or an Ipod, so you'll have something to do?

And speaking of your parents... do they know you're going? Are they close enough that they can visit with you often?

[Perna]

That's too bad you have to go when you don't particularly want to. Will your own pdoc be there? Is she a different one from the previous hospitalization? Maybe this hospitalization will go differently since she knows your concerns?

I could see trying to straighten out your meds (that don't appear to be working) with you in the hospital rather than at home. Thinks can get/seem much worse but eventually get better.

I would write out your concerns or print out this post and give it to your pdoc and parents and anyone else you trust and maybe they can make your hospitalization more comfortable for you.

[spiritual_emergency]

<blockquote>
Hey Katie_Kaboom

I'm just wondering if you've gone into the hospital yet and if so, how it's going for you? I hope you'll drop in to let us know either during your time there (do hospitals have internet access?) or after.

[iamtwilight]

I'm having a two day break from hospitalisation right now, and I can say it's been a nightmare! hahahaha. But better than being at the hospital.

It's been all good.. I have a different pdoc, at first I thought she didn't understand me at all. But on Friday we had a session and she said she didn't think the loony ward is not my place.

I'm on Risperdal now, 1 mg, and it seems much better than any other med I've had. No drowsiness at all, and no hallucinations. All good.

Well, I'm in a rush so this won't be much, but I'm hoping they release me on Tuesday. *crosses fingers*

[Perna]

Oh, that sounds great! Hope they release you Tuesday too.

[iamtwilight]

Excellent signature pic, Perna!

And yep, today I graduated from looniversity!

But still I don't see why I had to go through all that trouble. The only good thing is that I've got Risperdal now, aka antipsychotic medication sans the whacked out feeling, and the dissociative stuff.

Oh well, doesn't matter now that I'm out