Roll Call 181

I am just listening to The Replacements on high volume. That's what kind of night it is for me.

Now I got myself thinking. If I am just bipolar 1 and my psychosis is actually brought on by mania, was fall-2015 to spring-2017 when I was ‘no insight’ psychotic was that just one big manic episode??

It’s just so confusing when I try to fit it into a box.

I think I do better when I have less to do.

I am so stressed out and I only have like 5 hours of work per week!

I vividly remember seeing skulls in traffic lights fall 2015 and believing they controlled the traffic, and then bam it’s like I barely remember much until spring-2017 when I start realizing there aren’t other universes in the mirrors etc and I called my doctor.

I still remember the doctor sitting back down slowly after I surprised him with all the psychotic thoughts. I stalled so long in that appointment so nervous to say anything and he got up to show me out when I finally told him.

Damn I’m making myself upset now.

I can’t sleep now.

Don't be sad. Psychosis sucks. I went through similar stuff. I never share it w/ anyone.

I just am filling up my calendar with a bunch of **** I don't care about.

I feel like the more knowledge I've gained over the years the more depressed and sad I've become.

Not giving up though. Just sad tonight.

I’m really glad I have my doctor on my side. So grateful. He takes me seriously. He believes me when I say I feel a certain way. I don’t know what I would do without such a great doctor.

My last doctor didn’t believe I was bipolar or anything. Never gave me a referral to a psychiatrist. I reacted to antidepressants with signs of mania. I suffered with self harm, depression, eating disorder, psychosis. Nothing. He gave me SSRIs and risperidone. Hated that ****.

I can’t wait to talk to my doctor on Monday. My good doctor.

I hope you feel better soon

Thank you!

I really should try to sleep.

If I can’t sleep I’ll just stare at the wall again.

I am feeling much happier today after listening to some books on Happiness and Mindfulness. Contrary emotions literally cannot coexist.

I’m so incredibly mad at myself for sleeping the last 1/3 of the day. So mad at myself. Now I’m up in the middle of the night alone.

I'm feeling great!! Life is good. I am compliant and doing well. I sleep well and eat too much still. But, I exercise when possible. I am working too and am working more than before. I hope to go to grad school and am looking forward to going back to school again. I can't say my life has always been well but these days, I'm doing grand. I really respect those who suffer a lot and have the will to live. I've been there and wish you the very best!! I can say that life does become better with time and with effective medication.

I’ve been Feeling like crap for a couple of days now. I think I’m not getting enough sleep.

Picking out lockets for pics of my sis......sad but I want something to remember her by.

I heard something last night that sounded like gunshots but I wasn’t 100% certain then my apartment manager rang my doorbell today and said there was a shooting outside last night but nobody got hurt.

My care manager came by today. She said I can get ready to graduate the program in the next few months. So I’ll no longer have/need a care manager anymore. I’ve been with them for over like 5 years so that’s a big thing.

I'm ordering my new laptop today! and a new game for my Nintendo Switch

Wow, that's a big step. Do you feel ready?

I remember I didn't feel ready when I graduated from my case manager. But I was more ready than I thought I was and did pretty well, up until recently but besides that one slip up, I guess I was ready to go it alone. It was just scary to think about.

Stupid thoughts of the hospital again this morning, when I was showering! Up side was that I showered, finally. Downside is I got some burrito in my hair this morning after the shower. I think I got most of it out. My hair is pretty long and some of my burrito came out of the tortilla and landed on my hair. Sheesh. Oh yeah. Stupid hospital.

I have mixed feelings about it. I feel ready and not ready at the same time. I know that probably doesn't make sense. It's just a big change from having a care manager for so long to not having one. But I feel optimistic about it. I think it's scary but at the same time will be a good thing. I can learn how to be more independent and to take more responsibility for my mental health. It's likely a good thing I know I'll always have mental health struggles on and off throughout life having schizoaffective/bipolar but I think I'm ready for this step.

Doing okay today. Thinking about mental health a lot lately. It's been a major topic on my mind lately.