Roll Call 181

I asked about my blood test to see what my sugar levels were. They were normal but I have slightly high bilirubin?

The test was from 6 months ago when I was in the hospital for panic attacks so I'm getting another blood test.

I'm not taking phenibut anymore which could be the problem so maybe it would resolve.

I noticed that I had jaundice symptoms since I was a teenager. I was really skinny and not eating cuz of the stimulants and I was more yellow.

"Gilbert's syndrome (GS) is a mild liver disorder in which the liver does not properly process bilirubin. Many people never have symptoms. Occasionally a slight yellowish color of the skin or whites of the eyes may occur. Other possible symptoms include feeling tired, weakness, and abdominal pain."

^ I think that's what it might be. I asked my mom two days ago to take a look at my eyes to see that they're slightly yellow but she didn't notice.

Freaking out slightly but I'll just wait for the test.

It's so hot at work I'm dying

Typically no treatment is needed.[1] If jaundice is significant phenobarbital may be used.[1] Gilbert's syndrome affects about 5% of people in the United States.[3] Males are more often diagnosed than females.[1] It is often not noticed until late childhood to early adulthood.[2] The condition was first described in 1901 by Augustin Nicolas Gilbert.[2][4]

Hmm.. My treatment would phenobarbital? A barbiturate.. Nice =p

Yeah I mean I wish there were an option where only the illness goes away but the whole mind changes. It’s taken me a long time to accept that and I don’t really accept it fully. It should be better than this. If we can make a covid vaccine in a year imagine if we put that kind of money into mental illness.

Gotta go get my 2nd Covid vaccine tomorrow.

I made my shamrock shake today. I’ll post pics on here in a few minutes for those of you who I don’t have on Facebook so you can see. I think it turned out really good.

Here it is

Oh and my Sublime band shirt came today

I have to start studying one day for my C++ exam I have mid-April but but but... calculus calls me hahaha.

Hypomania still here. Tempted to go on Amazon to buy some ****... I could have gone to a book store today but I said no. Just... don't want to be tempted to buy more. I don't need anything.

Gah. I feel a little calmer than I did this morning, that's for sure. But still up. I have nothing I can take to calm me down. I guess maybe this whole time before starting lithium I was self medicating with alcohol. INSIGHT. Would make sense. Some people use weed to self medicate, why not alcohol.

I should make tacos.

I am tired - but olanzapine helps me for sure. I need some coffee I think. That's like my whole existence these days. Make coffee. Work a little. Not a bad existence.

I'm gonna use this writing program I have that literally blocks the use of your computer until you have reached a certain time limit or number of words. It's such a great invention.

Have spongebob on

Ugh now I feel so irritable.

Okay, not so irritable now. Trying to focus on this stupid C++ textbook and study.

I think I did better today. I didn't take as much Klonopin today. In fact. That is the reason why I felt better I think. I dislike Klonopin strongly.

I was feeling mental pain but this helped a little;



"Hypnosis is a human condition involving focused attention, reduced peripheral awareness, and an enhanced capacity to respond to suggestion. There are competing theories explaining hypnosis and related phenomena."

Is it something you want to act on or just like a thought that’s disturbing or something else?

It's getting to the point where it's pretty persistent and I get these kinds of thoughts on a nightly basis. Pretty disturbing.

I think about it every day almost - Always in the back of my mind. Why live I say.. The point is to find answers to the question and make yourself as comfortable as possible while still going out of the comfort zone.

Even though my will to live isn't much, it's probably not as severe to yours or as my past.. So if you need help, make sure you get it. Sometimes we need help and that's ok..

I haven’t been sticking to a routine of any kind during the middle part of the day. Ugh. I also haven’t been sleeping at night tho either sooooooo

I just played the bass for like 30 minutes. Felt good.

I wonder if it’s primarily an Intrusive thought then, if you’re disturbed by the thought. I’ve had that and for me it’s usually driven by what ifs.

Thanks for that.

Yeah, I think it's just a persistent thought. I think I need more Abilify honestly. That is what I'm gonna ask my pdoc on Monday for.

It stems from depression. I have had horrendous mood swings lately. I just think it's because I'm not on enough Abilify.

Finally. Got like a couple hours of sleep last night. But I will probably still sleep during the day.

That's why I'm glad I take mirtazapine. Ha. Sorry your sleep has been bad lately. Is there any other med that might help with that?

Final Fantasy has free login day for 4 days and I feel obligated to play since I don’t have a current subscription for it.

Honestly besides just playing video game’s, video games have really helped me through this pandemic and overall depression/anxiety.

They have given me a sort of routine/schedule, as well as something to do. Like these in-game events the MMORPGs have start at a certain time sometimes etc, and they have kept me grounded because I feel like I have somewhere to be that’s important. Xbox too has in-game events. AC does too but I wish Nintendo was more multiplayer and friend list-friendly like how Xbox and pc is.

Why am I so obsessed