Roll Call 181

I don't need it actually, I think. Pdoc had me convinced for a while. I don't wanna waste money.

I slept for a few hours and woke up again.

But I got an email I got my ethics exam marked. 86%! I’m really happy with that. Especially considering I was in a manic episode writing it haha.

Going to try and go back to sleep.

Great job! Ethics is an interesting topic. I could talk about ethical theory for hours.

I want to stay up all night with no consequences.

I just bought a vinyl.

My morning routine seemed like it went by so fast this morning.

Feeling a bit low today. Idk why. I shouldn’t but I am.

I keep thinking about this TikTok I saw about Sanpaku eyes. Where if the white above or either below your eye is consistently visible (think JFK or Billie Eilish or marylin Monroe) you are destined for a very tragic death.

Some think the eyes due that due to alcoholism or stress or meds.

For some reason it’s like it’s getting to me because when I’m not well and going through psychosis or depression, my eyes are like that.

It’s a superstition apparently but still.

Anything about death gets me really down

I feel jazzed this morning. Nuclear reactor energy. Hahaha. ****.

My meds for sure are not high enough. Lithium probably needs to be increased or something needs to be done I’m for sure hypomanic.

Idk why, I just don’t feel like doing a darn thing today. So sad. Maybe it’s the weather too. Rain usually perks me up but idk. It’s not even raining but it’s about to. That pre-rain weather. Cloudy and broody sky.

I charged my headphones for maybe 6 hours the other day and got about 10 to 12 hours of playback time. Usually I only charge them for an hour. Very tired. My vape leaked this morning and wasn't enjoyable.

I was put on clozaril in 2011 as a last resort med but it made me sleep so much that I actually wet the bed cuz I was too sedated to wake up to go to the bathroom

I was on saphris for a while . They have a dissolvable one

I sat outside in the sun for half an hour. It’s nice.

I talked to my therapist today and she said my doctor didn’t like the saphris idea so we’re going ahead with the clozaril next week. I’ll have to taper off the Thorazine and Trilafon

Good luck with the clozapine. I hope it helps you a lot!

****, no one is helping me. My pdocs are like ****. They throw their hands up essentially. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They act like "oh the meds take time to work and **** like that." I know that, but isn't their entire job to figure out the meds?

Sorry for the vent, but I am currently furious with my psychiatrist.

Sorry WastingAsparagus. I hope you can get things figured out with your psychiatrist

If its for psychosis basically all the meds are roughly equivalent except zyprexa and clozapine. The only thing that changes are the side effects and they don’t work at all for 25-35% of the population. It’s not so much the doctors as the inefficient tools they’ve been given.

For anxiety SSRIs are the first line but a lot of us can’t take SSRIs without also being on a mood stabilizer, if we’ve got any mood elements other than pure depression.

If it’s the ADHD the APs directly counteract th stimulants so getting the right balance is difficult and most people will end up with some psychosis.

It’s an impossible situation to solve in many cases. I’m certainly not happy with what my meds have done to me but it’s a lot worse to be psychotic imo.

True, haha. Yeah I'll survive. I'll be good.

Part paranoia and part real, but I’ve had some little things happen at work where files were deleted, or I wasn’t told information completely, or now not being invited to a meeting - but I feel people hate me.

Added with imposter syndrome thinking I don’t belong here, lack of sleep, and hypomania, I got so frustrated I just had a big crying fit at my desk.

Luckily I’m working from home and I’m alone upstairs so no one saw.

But ****. Just perfect for the day.

I’m kinda like woohoo didn’t have to goto a meeting lol no but seriously sorry you were excluded even if it was unintentional.

I like having all these meetings and being informed. Just sucks I missed this one. Wonder how many other meetings I’ve missed.

Hugs I’m just the opposite, we are basically having an all day meeting tomorrow over zoom and it’s like ugh.

In the last department it was all ‘work work work’ al the time and never really any meetings. Basically keeping people in the dark. Now I feel in this department people like to keep people informed and I like that.

Sure some meetings are boring but hey, getting paid to watch a screen.

I asked my boss and looks like I was just missed from this one. She’ll make sure that I’m on all the other meetings that I’m not missing.