Roll Call 181

It’s always too short if your hair curls and they cut it wet. Sometimes I make them cut it dry so they can see the curl structure of a typical day.

Yeah, that's smart!

I’m fine it’s the meds that are poison.

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Okay Cog. Glad you are fine.

I know people think I’m just crazy but everything feels so real. Idk man.

I don't think you are crazy cog.

You know I don’t think it’s my doctor who did it. I think the pharmacy is trying to poison me.

So many people hate me and are out to get me idk who to trust.

The pharmacy doesn't have the Dexedrine prescription and they don't care to help me. When I see my doctor tomorrow, I'm not even going to mention that my psychiatrist prescribed it because he'll say that I don't need it. I'm not advocating for myself anymore if this is what happens.

3 years ago, I went to a doctor in the same clinic and said that my heart was beating too fast. He used the stethoscope and said "It's fine". He didn't even check my blood pressure. I said, "Could it be from using stimulants in the past?" and he said "No. You don't need stimulants".

So I went to another doctor that is my current one. He checked my blood pressure and everything and prescribed a beta blocker. I was in a negative feedback loop of anxiety from heart OCD and wanted to kill myself every day but too scared to do it - The beta blocker helped.

Why do doctors have such different opinions? It's ********. I'm gonna stay away from them from now on. My current doctor puts me down and makes me feel bad.

Edit: I suppose I just have to let it go - Keep learning from Jim Kwik and other people, meditate, exercise, try to better my mental health and try - Which is what I would have still done. Apparently there's no cure for schizophrenia so my mind will just deteriorate even further idk.

And new meds are being developed for negative symptoms - I might as well work with doctors to try them or help myself? No.. screw that.

I'm so confused. It's a mind ****.

My sister just posted something on Instagram a few min ago about how hand sanitizers prevent survival in children by mutating their genes. Ugh.

**** that’s dumb.

Hell, I’ve drank hand sanitizer a couple times before and it didn’t change my genes.

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Got the Dexedrines.. So I have 3 months of all my meds. That relieves a lot of confusion for me. I've been through so much psychiatric nonsense to become this well.

I have a type of PTSD from doctors no joke

Very upsetting and depressing, all of this with my sister. Very depressing. My mom is sick about it all.

I feel I’m too friendly with people. Need to stop talking so much. Shhh can’t tell anyone what’s in my brain.

No one would understand. It’s why they’re trying to silence me.

Morning. I slept not long after my last post. Woke up at 6 am, had an 8 hours sleep

I’m convinced liquids will help flush the poison meds out of my system. Coffee tea orange juice soup. I have to get them out of my system.

It’s so confusing.

But new research has shown that the brain can form new neural pathways and create neurons even in adulthood (Neuroplasticity and Neurogenesis).
...
Intermittent Fasting. ...
Travel. ...
Use Mnemonic Devices. ...
Learn an Instrument. ...
Non-Dominant Hand Exercises. ...
Read Fiction. ...
Expand your Vocabulary. ...
Create Artwork.
Dancing
Sleep

"Several investigations have shown that structural and functional cerebral neuroplastic processes emerge as a result of long-term musical training, which in turn may produce cognitive differences between musicians and non-musicians."

"Physical exercise is thought to stimulate neuroplasticity through the regulation of central growth factors, and current evidence points to brain-derived neurotrophic factor as the potential underlying mechanism through which physical exercise might enhance the effectiveness of CR."

"There are two main types of neuroplasticity:
Functional plasticity: The brain's ability to move functions from a damaged area of the brain to other undamaged areas.
Structural plasticity: The brain's ability to actually change its physical structure as a result of learning."

The thing I tried from that list today was reading fiction, haha. Seemed to help. I also turned my phone and laptop on airplane mode for a while today and that helped me concentrate. Maybe that could help others focus, too. I don't know. Just a thought.

I also realized I need to exercise more. I haven't done it in a day or two and I can really feel a difference when I run on the treadmill every day.

I've been severely depressed the past couple days which is why I haven't been posting. I have barely gotten out of bed, sleeping like 17 hours a day and having

In other news my ancestry DNA kit arrived so I'll be doing that in the next day or so and sending it off.

Tomorrow I have that sip and paint thing in the community room. I'm gonna force myself to go. It's not that I don't want to, I was looking forward to it I'm just depressed. But I know it will be good for me to do.

This weekend I'm sleeping over at my sisters and we're gonna make some Italian bread using her bread machine, watch movies, talk/hangout, she's probably gonna make some homemade meatballs and spaghetti to go with the bread.

I was in a death based depression. I knew nothing about neuroplasticity growing up. I didn't care about anything. Why???

Whyyy

Psychedelics help. Now I only care about them and general existence. I don't feeeel like having a relationship, working a dead end job, family, retirement. I'm not sure how long I'll even live..

I want to do something I have a passion for - But I know that the world is just <1% of what reality really is. Most people DON'T lose touch with reality - Which is still delusional to me.

So I talk about concepts and ideas.. Untangling the psychosis knot. I was too nihilistic man.. I feel tired.

I think I might delete my account here. I don't feel up to posting anymore. I'm not 100% sure but I'm leaning towards it

We'd miss you BB <3

I deleted my account maybe 6 times here but idk if I'd be this well without posting. This is an odd place of the internet that is actually supportive.

I just worked out on the treadmill. It was good. I realize I have to be an agent in my own recovery.

Also Blue_Bird, we'd miss you a lot if you left!

I am setting the conscious intention of making space for myself through mindful breathing and otherwise thinking about decisions I make before I make impulsive choices.