Roll Call 181

I feel safe talking to you guys. I think my RL friends think I'm a bother and wouldn't understand. I'm such an annoying ***** lmao.

****ing love pizza.

I'm thinking about tattoos I want I would want to get right now if I could but because of COVID no one does walk-ins and I don't think my mom would think it's a good idea and I don't want to spend money.

But tattoos!

And savings and money and finance and math and ugh I should be studying my thoughts are moving too fast for my fingers to keep up it's so annoying I wish I could just get drunk and not think of things anymore it's too much.

****ing psychiatrist ****ing healthcare system ****ing pharmacy ****ing POISON ****ing drugs ****ing brain chemistry ****.

That's a while out for the therapist. Its the weekend but you can call your doctor and leave a voice message and can talk about it monday?

I was doing fine with my therapist so we scheduled the appointments spaced out and I mainly see her for social anxiety anyway.

My doctor doesn't have a voicemail to leave messages on. But I'm sure I'll be just as crazy Monday afternoon when I talk to him.

Weekend options here are basically ER or crisis center it's dumb af.

there are also suicide prevention hotlines you can call. Also there's texting hotlines too.

I looked it up and I texted a hotline. See how that goes...

tell us how it goes !

They were texting me back but it’s been silence the last almost ten minutes.

I shouldn’t have bothered really.

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My sister’s bringing me McDonalds today when she drops off my new laptop and new game.

Big Mac, fries and a Coke.

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It was worth a try. I did it and it helped me calm down a bit. Sometimes what works for one doesn't work for another.

They finally got back to me and they’re chatting with me now. Feels a bit better just talking it out.

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Yum! Enjoy.

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They must of been busy... glad it helps some.

My psychiatrist was supposed to have the nurse call me about getting on the injection but no one has called me since our appointment Tuesday. I have a feeling she didn’t tell them

I kind of feel like she did it on purpose even though she said she was gonna have them call me. I don’t think she liked the idea of me changing meds back to something that I was on that didn’t help me. But what other choice to I have it’s that or deal with taking pills and my fear of choking

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Need to get back on track with household chores

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The crisis text person Andrea was helpful. Just felt good to let it out. She was very nice and told me that I’m a strong person getting through all this stuff.

She suggested I try some self care and just reflect on the good things.

I feel a bit better. Not as wild. Little calmer. Hopefully I can last until I talk to my doctor.

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I did so much work in 4.5 hours today that it felt like an 8 hour day. I was constantly washing dishes, pealing and chopping carrots, white and red onions, big and small potatoes - Oh crap I forgot to lay out bacon..

I wasn't listening to any music or podcasts because I was focused on my past and thinking about childhood memories. I try to make time to remember my memories so I don't get as much amnesia.. But it's hard. I felt different today - Time was going incredibly slow.

But anyways yeah I had a shower when I got home, organized, etc.. Then I smoked some high CBD weed, took kratom and a taper phenibut dose..

I then attempted to read the rest of roll call but I when I was finished reading any line, my brain wouldn't absorb it - So I took 10mg Dexedrine IR. Not sure if that is kicking in or weed wearing off - But yeah...

I did feel very relaxed with the CBD weed it's what I needed to wind down. I might read today or try and do something, listen to music, chill...

Hugs to all

I am doing a lot better than earlier. I think the Effexor is like a really important drug for me.

My new laptop

Trying to chill by crocheting and watching a program about space disasters.

I'm proud of myself. I was worried because my toilet wasn't flushing properly and it's after hours and a weekend so I didn't know what to do so I found my lease and it said if it's an after hour emergency to talk to security so I went down and asked security and they got me a plunger to fix it

Morning. My sleep was good. I’m sure my art supplies for this month will arrive today. I’m excited

I think that NAC must have really helped with my negative symptoms. The Dexedrine doesn't seem to be doing much. My motivation these past few weeks has been at 0%. Before that (When I was taking 600mg of NAC a day), I was researching crypto and reading almost every day. Now I can't seem to do anything.

"Schizophrenia: The deficits most closely linked to disability are known as cognitive deficits and negative symptoms. Cognitive abilities refer to the ability to perform mental tasks that require focus and attention, and also include memory and verbal skills. Negative symptoms refer to a lack of interest in the world, and decreased social interactions" - Especially this last sentence is what I've been dealing with most of my life.

I ordered 120x 1000mg NAC pills on Amazon and it'll be here next week. I'm gonna start taking it again.