Roll Call 189

I'm by myself in the office today. Usually that makes my hallucinations hyped up because of underlying fear or something. They were doing pretty good but I just heard voices, like a soft woman's voice and it doesn't match any of my coworkers and there is no one in the building. Creepy. Just when I think I am doing well....something like this happens. If it keeps up I'll take a half of olanzapine.

I hope they'll make a good dinner tomorrow. It was good the first couple of years here, but horrible the third year. Sort of bad compared to the first couple of years. I have to call my mother but there will probably be relatives there tomorrow. I should have called today.

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I'm using this computer to enhance productivity etc.. But I mean.. Packages are getting stolen by people, tech stores are being looted - Nothing is in stock anymore. There's also a chip shortage. It's like this computer is just going to make me more comfortable for the

few. years. that. i. have. left..

in this world

Hell.. I'm sitting in a mall parking lot with the doors locked. I'm sure someone will try to break in if I stay here for too long.

I turned on my space heater to drown out the voices. I don't think it's working.

Making package brownies..........

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Voices.. I heard them when I was 16-18. Most of them were hypnotic.

Idk what helps with them.. I would play loud music but I could still hear them. I Googled "What helps with hearing voices" and the results are just "Living with voices" or "Why am I hearing voices".. Not much help there.

It's a rare thing so people seem to be interested - Cuz it mystifies the reality of our fears and Gods..

Thanks Desoxyn.

SP......YUM Brownies!

I am so ready for Thanksgiving tomorrow. Plus five days off of work.

Brownies are excellent

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Took a nap with the cat. Now am having an apple and some water

I feel like ghosting my therapist.

Mild phenibut induced mania times

The gods wanted to take me out during my unawakened days because I was too powerful..

Why? My therapist ghosted me. I guess she thought that I didn't need a therapist anymore.

When I did need a therapist, I didn't really get much help apart from "Stop using drugs" (Cuz that's why no one does them right?) No insight into my family dynamics, abuse, neglect etc..

This therapist said that she thought it was hard to believe that I was horribly depressed.

Finally took a shower after maybe 5 days of not taking one

"Fatigue is a term used to describe an overall feeling of tiredness or lack of energy. It isn't the same as simply feeling drowsy or sleepy. When you're fatigued, you have no motivation and no energy."

"Sedation, or sleepiness, is a common side effect of many antipsychotics. It is more common with certain antipsychotics than others, such as chlorpromazine and olanzapine. Sedation can happen during the day as well as at night. So if you experience this you might find it very hard to get up in the morning."

I'm really enjoying this new computer. It's fast + I'm still downloading apps and figuring out software tips. I have all of my main stuff transferred from the old computer.

It's powerful enough to play any game - So I'm looking at games that engage me to think about life + emotional and solve puzzles.

I have a lot of FOMO for everything but I think I'm ok.. Idk if it's the high quality screen or the microdose I took a few days ago but colours are very bright.. Like I'm in a new place. The speakers are crazy good as well + I found some new good songs.

But I better go to sleep now so I don't mess up my sleep schedule.. Tomorrow will be good.. Eventually I'll start making schedules/goals again - I remember last year, I could only do 1-2 things every day because of the dissociative panic attacks but now I'm absorbing more information and learning more than I ever have.

I usually feel very unfocused in the morning for an hour, then I'm ok throughout the day. When it gets to evening, I'm very tired and unmotivated but right before I go to sleep, I feel the best..

I offered to shovel snow for someone this winter - I would be given cash. Not sure how much but might as well idk

I feel like everything will fall apart because that's what I've been taught. That I would be let down every time I try - That's why I just slept all day and did drugs. But I need to get over that - Just now it feels to me like this good mental state won't last.. That I'll be in apathetic pain and end up suicidal (Not cuz I feel even 1% that way, but cuz it has happened so many times that I have insight). So I'll wait.. I'll try to try.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

I'm feeling sick. I keep sneezing and my nose is all stuffy and running, I also feel a sore throat coming on, I don't feel like cooking my turkey honestly but it's already thawed so I kind of have to.

Hugs bluebird....

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Happy eat your body weight in food day!

Listening to Christmas music with my kitty. She's been zooming around the apartment all morning. Now she's sitting on my shoulder while I type this. I washed the potatoes. I'm just waiting a little bit to cut them in halves and then get the turkey ready to be roasted together. The turkey is in the sink now. I'll probably preheat the oven around 12pm. Stuffing and mac and cheese was made yesterday. Vegetables (corn and green beans) are just from a can so I will just have to heat those up later when I'm ready to eat. The cranberry sauce is already refrigerated, I had some earlier. I wish I had dinner rolls to go with everything. Next year I'll remember. Honestly, my favorite vegetable I normally have with thanksgiving is brussels sprouts with some butter and salt on them but I forgot to get some. This is my first time actually cooking a turkey in this apartment. And only my 2nd time cooking one ever. Last year I didn't make one, I just went to my sisters house.

My family always had, (well at least my mom and I) always had Thanksgiving dinner around 4pm. This will be a bit later but I don't mind

I think the sneezing and stuff was just allergies because it all went away already

Just put the turkey in the oven. I'm glad I weighed it before I put it in. I had thought it was around 8lbs but it was 13.4 lbs. So it has to cook for 4-5 hours.