Roll Call 189

Talk. Vent. Converse. Chat. Have fun.

Almost time for therapy. I'm NERVOUS!

Made this in my self care art group today. I was downstairs for almost 2 hours and when I got back home kitty was sleeping still. She’s up running around now that I’m back.

Having one of those panic attacks w/ dissociation.

I feel very happy though so it’s okay.

Hope it goes well

Therapy went well. I feel kind of sad because I didn't get to end with my original therapist from IOP but the second therapist was nice too. I just really liked the first one. Now my next appointment is 11/29/21 with new therapist Julieanne.

I like your collage. I'm so glad you got kitty. She's adorable. I think it will be good for you to have a cat again.

Thanks, Kit!

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Very nice! Are those buttons or Cheerios?

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The circular things in the picture on the bottom? It's a pic of a bunch of different cookies

Oh, nice! I want fancy cookies lol.

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I'm currently eating some shortbread cookies lol

I'd settle for holiday cookies. I'm remembering favorite cookies of years past. One had a pink candy glaze, then of course there's jingles with sugar , and others.

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They sound good!

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Scary dark moods

HUGS Desoxyn

Did you smoke weed?

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Yes lol.. I don't know where I am or what I'm doing (No I'm sure I'm ok)..

I will take a break from the plant.. I thought that it would be ok to just smoke once every late afternoon as a habit. The reason I keep doing this is because I feel better in the late evening + I think it possibly stops hypnotic heart palps..

I woke up today, early.. went to work.. And I was hoping that I wouldn't be bothered - No one was there to be sadistic to me .. I was told to clean the stove and I think to myself, "Why am I always forced to do mindless stuff? How do I get out of this?"..

I took the 10mg olanzepine just now. If I still feel anxious and paranoid, I'll take a clonazepam.

I also went to get my haircut and I was listening to a conversation next to me - I thought I better use my mental energy to not zone out.. so focused on my thoughts and the social situation, noticed I wasn't talking to my hairdresser.. And that I don't feel happy - But instead, scared..

I don't want to be in a world of my own and start doing things that people would judge me for - Like being weird socially and that people would feel sorry for me. I want to stop the meds too - I want the perfect mind, but also feel that it's hard to not give in to the mental illness and let it take over me.

Less plant, and more.. Idk.. I don't know what I want or need.

I want to exercise more to prevent cancer, heart decay, longevity - And to look up all of the different types of exercises, yoga etc and the natural chemicals in my blood.. But I mean.. Jesus.. I keep opening so many doors and I'm not closing any of them.

The athletes dying of myocarditis after covid and vaccine freaks me out

WHY MUST I HAVE A HEART??

I feel so much better..

What the hell is wrong with me

Did you see a doctor about those spots? I hope they'll clear up soon.

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Thanks.. I cancelled the appointment.. But I'll make another one. The spots really bother me.

I'm looking forward to getting my new macbook pro and phone.. Those will improve my quality of life because a better internet experience will make me feel more organized etc because it wont be limited technology anymore..

I freak out because of the corruption/conspiracies. It's just like psychosis - I have no idea what is real. The dextroamphetamine allows me to stay awake and motivated enough to go into focused rabbit holes.

What I should do is live as if me + most people on earth are NOT going to die.. very soon within 5-10 years - Cuz no one knows if we will all die tomorrow..

I should play with the cats, watch a movie with my mom and relax.. That the spots aren't a sign of too much vaccine/Invega nanoparticle poisons..

I'm told that I should trust the scientists because they started out wanting to do something good and help humanity.. It's sad that I wanted to go to school and possibly be a scientist before I got depressed and then lost my mind.

There are philosophers who said that meditating on everything that can go wrong in a day, (e.g., the Stoics) if you are interested in learning more about them, is good because... well I won't bore you with the whole explanation here, but basically it helps you remember perspective that things can go wrong in any given day.


Anyway, the key is not to meditate on it for too long, but just a little bit just to remember perspective as you go about your day. Not sure if it's a helpful tidbit for you or not. But it sometimes helps me remember that we're on a giant mass spinning in an enormous universe. Just that thought alone, if I can remember to pause while I realize that, is enough to kick me out of whatever terrible mind state I'm in.