Roll Call 189

A couple of us volunteered to decorate the Christmas tree in the apartment complex’s community room. So I went and did that. Then the apartment manager ordered pizza for the few of us who volunteered so I had a couple slices of pizza.

I’m still waiting to hear back from my care manager. I called her this morning. If I don’t get the kitty today it will be sometime this week at the latest. I went to Walmart earlier and bought a litter box, some cat food/water dishes, and a litter scoop

we need more pics once you get her

I had a dream that my mom annoyed me so I got out of the car and she drove off. I was on my own, exploring prairie lands with 5k dollars to survive. It started to get dark and a lightning storm was coming, walking up a steep road - I got struck by lightning and woke up.

"Seeing the dream of being struck by lightning is considered a negative sign. It signifies arguments or conflicts that arise with your family members, friends or colleagues. You should pay some attention to your attitude and behavior and control your words in upcoming days in order to avoid any conflict."

I'm having conflict with my coworkers and don't want to go back to work. I was about to quit because they keep bothering me.

Had a good appointment with my therapist.

Yeah it's an adjustment for sure. I just have to be patient with myself and hopefully things will work out.

Why don't I want to go off the edge? What has happened to me?

Developed frontal lobe.. God damn it..

Because now is the perfect time yknow

My sister is really confused again....not sure what’s going on with her....

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She’s bringing the kitty right now! She’ll be here in 20 minutes

That’s awesome! Merry Christmas early

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Yay!!!

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I don’t know how I’m going to be able to leaver her for any extended amount of time. She cries whenever she can’t see me or I’m in another room from her

She’ll adjust eventually....

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She’s exploring right now she purrs a lot

So far she has explored the entire apartment, eaten, used the litter box, drank, taken a nap in her bed, and she’s also able to climb up into my bed. I was worried she wouldn’t be able to climb up into my bed because it’s kind of high and she’s so tiny

I'm getting these breakaway collars for her, they're perfect colors for Christmas time

I'm glad I have an emotional support pet now. She takes my mind off my anxiety

I am an emotional support for my cat. She's very anxious.

I sprayed some cat nip on my bed yesterday and that seemed to calm her down.. They act really weird with catnip.

I’m gonna get her some tags w/ her name, my number, address engraved. And also get her microchipped.

I smoked weed and watched videos of "word salad in patients with schizophrenia". I felt like I lost my mind for 2 hours.. But it was interesting to realize how I talk to people sometimes when feeling apathetic or very frustrated, forgetful, unfocused.

I don't know the extent to how other people see me. I'm thankful for my good insight and now for the self-awareness that I'm developing.

I can comprehend things well when sober. I only sometimes have great ideas - And I like the well put together novel, stimulating things. It's like I'm used to such rich thought... And many times in life (Like most people), time is very slowed down and there's moments that feels like we're walking through a desert for years, having no idea when things will end.

I try to piece together my existence - Maybe what to do about being conscious.. Why I had so many addictions, why there's so many things that I've missed/mistakes I've made - And how to be at peace with it all - Right now.. Like why did I not see what most people have known..

Now I sit here and think, "Is it too late to have fun?" - Now that I've suffered all of these concentrated satanic manifestations/realms.. And I am still curious.. I want to know how other entities see the world - But I don't want to be a hovering energy, absorbing all of reality for eternity. I need a break maybe - I've been in the same place for too long with disorganized thoughts, piercing into a place where everyone is fixated on dopamine, doing their own thing - All of desires, one-upping, surviving, mindless - Turning into machines.

I didn't want money at one point - But the jinx is that I know that, but also I'm the same as everyone else - An organism.. A life - And there's a destination or necessity to preserve homeostasis under whichever pattern is in reality, like water settling or the gravity of a black hole - It is the nature of matter to condense into place and just exist. Anything going against or with the grain - All for the same reason.. To BE.

Tomorrow will be the end of my first two weeks of full-time work. I've felt extremely tired at the end of the day almost every day. I'm not exactly sure why, other than that I've absorbed a lot of information and transmitted a lot of information I guess. I haven't been able to adhere to a workout schedule as I usually do. I haven't even showered every day. I don't know if my vision of success is what I'm doing now. I really have no clue how I'm going to finish my thesis and work 40-hour weeks. Like, I need the money from working full time, but I also want to finish my thesis. I don't really know. It's like choose the best option of the two - I know they're not mutually exclusive, but it almost feels that way. I guess I'll figure it out down the road.

Having a panic attack

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Slept pretty good. Woke up at 5am w/ kitty purring right next to me

It’s supposed to start sleeting and snowing in about 20 minutes from now

I feel good. Took my morning meds. Relaxing with the cat laying on me. Have group at 2pm. That’s usually about an hour long so it should help get her used to me not being here all the time. She’s got massive separation anxiety, she’s used to being with her brothers and sisters all the time before she came here.

I can’t wait till my appointment with my psychiatrist on the 2nd. It will be a video appointment I can show her the kitty. She knows how much I’ve wanted to have one again. She signed the papers for me to have an emotional support pet in my apartment to begin with.

Does anyone have any tips on how to make her feel less anxious when I'm not home? I just took the trash out and when I came back I could hear her meowing through my apartment door. I hope she can get more independent as time goes on. I just think she's never been alone before so it scares her

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