Roll Call 190

For a few minutes when I was painting today there was no noises at all, including the white noises. It was so peaceful. There are people who need white noises and there are people who like a complete silence like me. I cannot deal with messy and unorganized surroundings as well, everything has to have a place and there can’t be too much stuff on the table and stuff. Physical environment matters a lot to my mental health. Sharing this because I can’t sleep. Stay tune for more podcasts with 12AM.

Do you ever have days where you just want to quit everything and walk away? Feelin that today. Don’t know why. I’m doing well in school and at work but sometimes I feel like people are talking about me and idk whether there were even people there. No way I’m changing my meds though…but stuff like this goes around and around in my head until I think the worst.

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I just feel like crying and nothing is even wrong…..

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I think I need some self care….

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I think I’m just overwhelmed….I really want to change jobs but there are complications with that in terms of health insurance etc. I’m not sure if I should apply or not and there’s no guarantee I would get the job anyway.

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@Sometimes psychotic, you sound very normal to me. Everything is just too much these days. You, personally, have been one of the most supportive & welcoming, kind, & helpful member amongst us. I feel sad for you right now, hearing how you're feeling.

Sorry to make you feel sad, and thank you for your positive thoughts. I’ve been processing why I was feeling bad and I think it’s because I’m bored at work right now….I seriously need more to do and that might mean a new job. I’m just a little scared to apply for various reasons. I started reading the unicorn space book and I swear I forget how calming rereading can be especially when it’s inspiring. Anyway I’m feeling ok now. I still haven’t decided what I want to do but I will. I need to meditate on it.

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HUGS SP. You're going to be okay. You are a great person and friend and we all love you here. I love the pictures you post of your photographs and love how supportive you are. Figuring out what to do about jobs is scary and hard but I believe you will know what you need to do when you need to do it. Sending you hugs. Kit

SP, sorry you're feeling like that. I am feeling a little off today. I stopped taking Klonopin and modafinil today.

But I'm going to stick with the changes.

Good morning! (Afternoon?)

I needed that sleep last night - I woke up feeling super achey from skiing. But I stretched for a good 10 minutes after the Vyvanse kicked in, then got out of bed.

I noticed that everyone has dreams about THEM.. And their identity, memories.. It's not like I have someone else's dreams - Just like life/wakefulness.

And the same is for death..

The way to transcend death/build a time machine is to astral project our consciousness with a combination of hallucinogens (New age neuroscience) and technology - To combine life, dreams and death. Become a God? Idk.

But don't worry cuz we're all Gods anyways.

Hugs to anyone that needs ((())))

Crap not sure what to do today..

It's good to not take modafinil when stopping sedatives because the withdrawal of sedatives = anxiety and modafinil potentiates that.

Try to sleep, relax, cope, distract.

If it's too hard, take 2x 0.5mg Klonopin every 12 hours (But I'd ask the prescriber about this first).

If all fails, go back to 3x a day, then 1.25mg a day for 2-4 weeks.

I took 0.25mg of clonazepam last night because my whole body felt over exerted from exercise. My heart was spasming a little (This only happens rarely when I haven't exercised in a while). I took another 0.25mg and fell asleep.

So 0.5mg is a lot to me... Just so you know.

Just texted my care manager and asked her if she knows of any volunteer opportunities local to me and if she heard anything back from the vocational rehab program for getting in their program and getting a part-time job

I’m buying new clothes so I’ll be a little more presentable when I’m out of the house. I’ve been wearing the same clothes for like 3 years and everything is worn out.

I took the rest of the day off from work. I just feel tired. I guess that's better than feeling anxious.

I did that yesterday and it was really rejuvenating.

So far I am pretty happy I took the rest of the day off! Just to re-center myself.

Mental health day for the win!

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I want to travel somewhere.. go somewhere.. and have fun

I've suffered, greatly, with mental health problems.. And I just want to live. That's what I've always wanted in the end.

But there's a technocratic security state now.

I would like to be more positive. My persona did that for me. I don't want to be completely, not negative though.

Balance.. And understanding, awareness....... I'm not sure what to do - And many people have cognition deterioration and pain, lost their job, homeless, drugs - W/e. And so the drugs were a really negative manifestation for me.

I don't understand what has happened - Or maybe I do, more than I realize. And the future will be good - Because I now have the strength to overcome what ever comes my way.

I just need to deeply recalibrate and reflect. Every day, I learn much more. My mind has healed (It feels like) today.

I don't feel like going to Aftercare tonight but I know I need to.

Sleep..

Work tomorrow 9am

My mom says I'm symptomatic.

But I have objective psychosis now (Which is the opposite of "psychosis") - Not subjective (Which is the puppet intuitive/non-integrated shadow version of objective psychosis).

I have hundreds of blank pages I want to paint on