Roll Call 190

Exciting! I’m getting some warm clothes this weekend too

Wow, new clothes, I keep putting that off. I need some new things. Oh well, one of my agenda things.

I feel like taking another mental health break today. Don't think it was such a good idea to go off of Klonopin and modafinil at the same time.

Yep. Usually right after I get my paycheck and I'm driving to work and just think ... I could just keep driving and driving

SP you've had a very hard year this past year , maybe some of this is greif coming out

I think it could be….I’m listening to music unrelated to anything and I want to cry again.

The important thing to remember is you can always take some if you really need it. Start with half a dose to see if that helps, if not you can always go back on until there is a better time to quit.

I’m not sure why but this morning I wanted to write a book that blurs reality and fiction…..it would be a book of us…..but we were always sensing some true disaster on the horizon but no one believes us because we have sz and equivalent. Of course because we have sz not all our truths are reality so because the future could be any of our ideas it’s hard to know…maybe it would end up being like a thing with parallel worlds where we saw many potential futures. They were all true somewhere but we didn’t know that because we only experienced one world.

Sounds great SP!

Aftercare last night was actually pretty good. It was on self care. Who couldn't use more of that? I felt bad for the therapist leading the group though. It is on Zoom and I think she said she had Covid. She looked flushed and had to mute her mic so she could cough.

Maybe the therapist needed self care!

I read something about someone with Covid that took like seven baths in the first two days just to keep warm.

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Wow. My therapist from last night looked cold too. She had on a sweater and a thick scarf. I felt kind of bad for her being that she was working while sick. Even though she was telling us to use all our sick days and stuff. She's covering for another therapist who is out on family leave so maybe there was just no one else.

It may just be the January’s. I sometimes get seasonal depression although I thought it was mostly corrected by my vitamin d…..

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Having so much trouble starting on homework…may need to do self care first….

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Finished work. I came home and the compulsions are unreal and are getting worse. I spent an hour organizing things - But I'm OK with it. I get everything done first and then relax - Perfection. The stimulant could be making it worse for me - But I like it this way.

I can't focus. The Dexedrine should kick in and I should feel better.

I've been trying to understand the difference between schizophrenia and conspiracy theorists;

"First, some background. I'm autistic and since discovering that fact I've learned about the Autism Spectrum. Autism is recognized as a collection of many specific symptoms that fall as a group outside the normal distribution for humans. Everyone has some autistic traits to some degree or another. To be diagnosed requires exceeding the threshold for the level of extremity at which these traits are expressed and the threshold for the number of them at these extremes. Hence, the autism spectrum. It's a gradient along which we all fall and which we begin to assign labels when we get a bit out of the neurotypical range.

It wasn't always like this. When I was in my teens I was at the top of the spectrum and suffered from full-on paranoid delusions, which I wrote about in FAQ: Ask An Aspie Reality Policy. In hindsight it is obvious that I was delusional and hallucinating. At the time though it was my reality. Had you put me on a lie detector and asked about the people who I saw and you didn't, I'd have passed. I could converse with, smell, and even touch my invisible friends. My brain created them as a way to reconcile patterns I saw that had no reasonable explanation, and it filled in all necessary sensory data to make the experience real. Kind of like how your brain fills in the image in your eye's blind spot but on a much grander scale. It took a lot of practice to dial down my pattern recognition to where it was useful instead of harmful.

I'm not saying that conspiracy theorists are seeing something real that the rest of us miss. My own experience suggests the opposite. But speaking as a guy whose pattern recognition today straddles the line between genius and insanity, I can tell you it's a pretty fuzzy line with no clear demarcation points. Whether someone is a genius, a conspiracy theorist or schizophrenic depends a lot on how often their extraordinary claims turn out to have any merit. extrapolating from my experience, I suspect many people would be reevaluated one notch closer to neurotypical on the spectrum in hindsight.

The difference between conspiracy theorist and schizophrenic, at least as far as I can tell, is one of degree and not one of kind. I accept the premise of the question as being fairly accurate."

Idek man. I'm trying to understand everything so hard. All of these things that I think about are important but I have no TIME.

I need to do my homework another day I read it but I’m not getting it very well….

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(((Hugs SP)))

I feel my worst when I can't focus. Everything that your experiencing should be normal. We're here for you...

Make sure you get enough sleep.

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Very beautiful SP!

My pdoc also put me on this new med called Lybalvi. It's like a combination of olanzapine and another med that reduces my metabolism or something (I don't know the specifics). I hate it so far though. It's really a terrible med so far.

Also I'm done with modafinil. Too many side effects.

Reading limitless, it expired before I could finish it last time….interesting section on people with a damaged basal ganglia where they could not make even simple decisions….the idea was that without habits even simple decisions become overwhelming for us all. Honestly wonder if something like that could have happened to me…..idk if I really have a mental illness what if I do have a brain tumor or something and I just didn’t know. I though they did a head CT but I’m not actually sure tbh, they did some kind of ct but they could have just scanned my body and not my brain. I was so out of it that I may have just assumed that’s what they were doing. Technically mental illness makes the most sense and a lot of us seem to have indecision but maybe I should reassess to some extent.

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I had a lot of trouble today. But I'm ok right now.

This is an interesting thought. I personally never have any problem about making a decision, it’s like I always know what I want and I always want a lot of things, from basic day to day things to big things that affect major things in life. My problem is more like I often fail to make a concrete plan to get them.