Roll Call 190

Do you know why…are you both excited and anxious about your visits this weekend?

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Hugs bluebird…let us know if we can help….

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I am trying to be more grateful for things I have in my life.

I'm looking forward to the visits I'm just stressed because of my agoraphobia is ruining my life and also I just generally hate myself and think I'm a piece of crap human being that shouldn't exist.

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It's really hard for me not to feel depressed right now.

I basically mean that I just feel like a failure in comparison to my sister and basically everyone. I hate my body. I hate the fact that I never seem to be able to accomplish my goals no matter how much I try to. And I hate the fact that just basic things like cooking, showering, even eating, are hard.

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I wish I could help u guys but my motivation has died for today. Like I'm mentally/physically unable to type.

((hugs))

For me taking a vacation helped…there is no home so you have to adjust to being out all the time.

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Hugs bluebird…you’re one of the best people I know.

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Thank you SP that means a lot to me.

I don't know if I could take a vacation, but maybe I can get my friend to go somewhere with me. I'm less anxious about being out places when I'm with someone else. Maybe we can go to the movie theater to see something and out to eat and when it warms up we can go to the park near here

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Good thinking, I had forgotten I also learned that from my T…if you have anxiety it’s easier to first do things with other people then you can taper off of that and go out alone or in my case it was drive alone.

I feel like Covid has caused a certain degree of agoraphobia in us all.

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Hugs WA…..

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Woke up, got ready and not sure what DO..

So i found a good podcast to listen to - So I'm sitting outside with a coffee and weed. Nice, warm and sunny.

HUGS Blue_Bird

HUGS WA

Score!!!!!!

The world is run by psychopaths. What do I do about this prollem.

Ah nvm w/e

If you figure it out let me know…..

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Hey SK how are you feeling today, is the anticipation of your vacation helping?

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Yeah. I feel a little better today. (NOT FABULOUS OR ANYTHING) but a little better. I also had dinner last night with my pastor's wife and word vomited all over her. Really got to talk about my depression and what's going on with my niece and stuff. It was super helpful.

But yeah I am looking forward to the vacation and the time to paint and do calligraphy and hopefully go to the beach. I am working on a schedule of stuff to do plus down time and also a column for outcome. Like did x activity make me feel calm, happy, relaxed etc. I haven't had to take anxiety medication yet so that's good. I feel pretty chill really. Thanks for asking my friend!

I constantly have to balance things. One wrong thing - Balance. One right thing - Balance. Random thought - Balance. Painful thing about my past - Balance. Ego - Balance. Positive thought - Balance. Impulsive addiction - Balance. Thinking of going back to unfocused mania - Balance. Hate myself - Balance. Grandiose thought - Balance. Balance? - Balance that (When I really don't want to)..

I have to get off of Klonopin.

I feel like not seeing my therapist anymore. I don't think it helps quite honestly. It's silly to pay the amount I pay for it.

Tomorrow I'm walking the library to return some long overdue books and pay off my late fees. (thanks agoraphobia for making walking 10 minutes down the street so difficult that I've let my books go overdue which I normally never do)

Then I'm going to do some much needed cleaning in my apartment. Then take a shower. Have a cappuccino and enjoy my Reese's valentine's heart candy.

Saturday I'm walking to my friend's to hang out for a few hours. He'll walk part of the way here and we'll meet half way then g to his place so the walk isn't so anxiety provoking for me. I will only half to walk part of the way alone. I wonder how my cat is going to react when I get home because he has a cat too and Stash might smell that cat on me.

I'm going to see if he wants the go to Burger King later this month to get something to eat mainly just to get out of the house for a bit.

Sunday my sister is coming over to visit. Will be nice to see her. Last time I saw her was Christmas Eve. Stash likes her, last time she was here she came out and played with her.
Speaking of Stash I gave her some of her wet food yesterday and the rest today for a treat see nice she normally just eats dry. She loved that. I want the give her wet food more often, I just need to order a case of it from Amazon since my stores have zero canned cat food.

I have an appointment with my therapist next Tuesday.

Monday is Valentine's and I'm celebrating it, I don't care if I'm not in a relationship. I haven't been in a relationship since I was 18-19 and I'm 27 now and have no plans of ever being in one again. I just find them too complicated and I prefer being single. I'm going to eat chocolate and watch stuff, play games, read. Pretty much enjoy the whole day.


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I got my tapers to get my ears back the size I want. I'm going back to 3/4" and staying there, which is what I was at for several years but I went to the hospital at one point and they had me take them off because you can't have any kind of jewelry on in there. So I ended up never bothering putting them back in after I got out and they went back to a much smaller size so I sort of have to start over. It will take awhile.

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I guess I can't keep a promise. I am not going down on Klonopin. It just makes me crazy when I go down on it.