Roll Call 190

Also it is really hard to find motivation to exercise right now, and I know it helps me, but I can't find the motivation. It's like everything is going wrong right now. I have to find a way to snap out of it.

I have no idea what I'm doing anymore

Can your doctor help you taper very slowly? Like extremely slowly so it's not as difficult? Even if it takes a couple years.

I take Klonopin but just as needed and very rarely so I might take one once a month or less or more depending on how I'm doing. But I try to never take it two times in one week and try to take it even less often than that so I don't build tolerance to it so it stays effective and I don't have to worry about withdrawals or needing to taper off it. I use it as an extreme emergency med. It's nice to know it's there if I really need it but it's not something I take unless all other options are exhausted. My doctor encourages me to take it more often if I need to but I won't because I don't want to become dependent on it. That's just personally how I choose to use it but I know everyone is different. The last thing I need is to become dependent on something that loses effectiveness the more/longer you take it. I feel like it can backfire and make anxiety issues worse in the long run. I know when a doctor I was seeing a long time ago had me on it two times a day every day it just made my anxiety worse because I felt like I needed it and like my anxiety relief was dependant on it. I can't remember how I tapered off to where I'm at now but it was hard.



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I took clonazepam cuz a physical rage has come over me after drinking alcohol.

I've decided not to drink anymore. But I will still get thoughts of trying to end

I told my mom that I bought a bottle of vodka so she took it. I said that I can't handle everything and she says that I'm doing good and that my decisions aren't for nothing. I said that I feel like I have to live when I don't want to.

My mom said that I inspire her and I said why.. She said that I don't give up, I set ambitions.. and other things that I forget. But I'm too hard on myself. I said I know that.

Tomorrow will be a new day. I just hope my coworkers don't bother me.

The building is having a Valentine's grab and go dinner thing today at 2pm, so I'm gonna go downstairs later and get some.

The apartment code inspection is on the 22nd, they do it every 6 months, like 8 random apartments are chosen to be inspected. Hopefully if mine's inspected it goes well

I'm doing ok this morning. Decided to stay on Klonopin for now. I can't deal with the withdrawals. Also my pdoc and my therapist both say to stay on it for now.

Hi guys. Doing a bit better today. Starting to really look forward to my vacation. My anxiety feels pretty good at the moment. It was higher this morning when I was coming to work and thinking of all the work I had to do. But now most of it is done so I feel good. Plus I did some accounting stuff that I have never had to do before and I did it all by myself and I went over it with the Controller of the company and she said she was proud of me and good job!

My T just texted me and addressed me as beautiful client/woman/person/human being.


Um. That's a little weird.


Like I'm an accountant and HR person so I guess technically I have clients. But I would never tell them they are beautiful. I have told them, you made my day or something like that. Why is therapy so weird.


I don't know how I feel about it. So I didn't text her back.

Aftercare was really good last night! It was on self-compassion.

Work was ok...

I took dexedrine and a microdose.

My mental state is as if you're standing out in the cold, shivering - Or almost getting to your destination and suddenly thinking of turning all the way back. Or staring into the void!

Ah yes.. I should read.

I haven't been making lists or goals anymore. I'm still vigorously finding meaning and self reflecting + understanding the world. I will keep doing this for a while.

Then I will continue with the reality thing.

I need to heal too.. maybe I have already.

The past.. I don't remember much.

What have I even been doing - I want to live but also need to protect myself.

I can't make goals. I can't think of any. It's driving me nuts.

My therapist in the independent living unit I think quit cuz of me not being able to make goals.

It's just apathy and de-motivation.

Things are ok

Yup, things are ok for me as well. I think listening to my doctors is smart right now for me. I will not listen to the voices in my head telling me I should get off of Klonopin.

Right now I am ripping old CDs so that I have them on my computer.

Heading to my friend's house in a few minutes

So exhausted. On day 4 of 9 hr shifts in a row. Today's the last day then I get a day off

At my old job there was the option to do 4 10-hour shifts in a week instead of 5 8-hr shifts. I always thought the 10-hour would be nice but it would be exhausting like you describe.

I think I’m cutting mine to once a month….it’s just so time consuming and draining for me right now. I’d don’t feel like I’m learning anything.

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Just got home. Had a fun time, we watched Godzilla vs Kong, then a Japanese horror movie, then we had McDonald's

9 out of 12 weeks before next Invega Trinza shot + Wellbutrin.

I will get more dopamines. Precious.. precious dopamine...

I walked 5,800 steps today. I'm tired from going out today, plus I woke up at 4am, only slept 3 hours last night