Roll Call 195

We just have to keep moving. Systematic chaos. Let go. LET GO (I say, to myself..).. Some things need abandoning too, but can always be come back to.

The amount of information.. For me, I stick together with olanzepine..

We're supposed to have fun in lfe.. And just enjoy whatever it is that we're doing. With a lot of pain and expression (Something I don't really do anymore), beautiful things come out of it (It would be real sad if that DIDN'T happen).

People need basic needs met, and all of that.. love, connection, meaning.. On social media, people are like "Look at all of this money I have (; I can help you also get imaginary worth/paper to feed your family etc + A nice shiny sports car ". And people... Faking illness, selling their souls for money of daily life, vacations only, nice hot looks.

It'll be a massive trip that has just started. There's no living the most peaceful life (Except with good company, being in a room, disconnected from news, addictive dopamine ads, fear based propaganda, thinking you're doing good for the world). What you have to do is this (If you really want true peace);

Meditate. Or, become a monk, read vast literature/history, any way you want your life to go - As I've said, "I need to prepare for the afterlife.." but it's happened.. Anyone's ego (or intensity of it) must be honestly, authentically exercised.. As what it is.

Inside, inside of the mind, deep within - A cry. A pain. Suffering. What are we to do about it? And all of the prepping people, "I can only be 99% detached from this 1 dollar bill.." - It's all connected - And where do we even go.. Populate on other planets, eject into the stars.. And what I've said about consciousness........ The time machine thing, drugs, microchips, VR all ideas..

It's the dream of life. And it's good. I lay in bed yesterday night, crying... listening to suicide podcasts. These things happen a lot - And then, massive euphoria, dancing. All of what I've regretted in life - It's okay. Everyone is redeemed in the NOW, the moment.. Like a religious thing.

Hi everyone,

A bit down today I suppose. I have a friend who puts a post on Facebook of her adorable kindergartener every day. And each day, this cute little girl has the biggest smile on her face. So I am endeavoring to start my days with that kind of smile also! I took a picture of the sky this morning and yesterday morning. Pretty! Trying to stay positive when so many things are trying to pull me into the negative!

Went to the dentist today. Checked in for my appointment, confirmed everything with them. Sat there for an hour and a then they said they were sorry and that they’d need to reschedule me because my dentist just had an emergency. So I walked home

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Hugs SK…it’s really hard for any adult to capture the joy of childhood but it does help to live in the moment.

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Does your pdoc know you have these fast changing extremes of feeling? I'd think they could keep you more on an even keel.

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Hopefully they will reschedule your appointment for soon. You did your part by showing up, and I'm sorry you'll have to get ready for it another day. I always have a mixture of relief and dread when an appointment gets rescheduled.

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They gave me a fifth COVID shot today. I'm so sick of it.

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I've had four covid shots. I feel you Angelique

Stupid Olanzapine is messing up my A1c. I got my labs today. I just got them done before I was hospitalized. Hospital put me on Olanzapine. My dr just had it as a PRN. I went from not being in the prediabetic range to being in the prediabetic range and I am not happy. I faxed the labs to my pdoc. And I sent him a message in the portal. I want to discontinue this medicine because I do not want diabetes, and I do not want to be a different kind of sick because of the medicine. I told my friends I want to not take the medicine tonight but they all told me not to stop it until I hear back from Pdoc. Hopefully I hear back from him today.

I’m prediabetic too…cut my sugar intake way back…hoping it helps because I don’t want to change meds….

Sorry to hear SP. Yeah, I was doing good on these meds but there is no way I want to get diabetes and I'm already overweight and my Mom has it so, you know, risk factors. But I think there are more medicines we haven't tried. Just sucks you know. These medicines make us sick in different ways. If we can put people on the moon why can't we have medicines that don't freaking mess with us.

Speaking of shots, thanks for the reminder, I just scheduled my flu shot and bivalent covid 4th booster shot at CVS for Saturday October 8th. Kept forgetting to schedule it

I always get scared getting shots worrying that I'll have a bad reaction (like suddenly die or something)

I always get them done, it's just like for 24 hours after any kind of shots I freak out with severe anxiety and convince myself I'm gonna die.

FWIW Blue_Bird, I had no reaction after the flu or the fourth covid. I did have a minor reaction after the third covid. Felt kind of sick for 8 hours but aside from the muscle cramps it wasn't terrible. Hopefully yours will be smooth sailing.

I really hope my pdoc gets back to me tonight

Thanks SK, that's good to hear, hopefully it goes well. At least if I don't feel great after it, it's saturday so it's not like I'll be volunteering or have appointments, I can just relax. I had no reaction to the first 3 except being a little tired after the first one

I have very very early memories of when I was a child.. Everything was so amazing and beautiful. My cousins got me to steal berries from a neighbours bushes - and when I was caught, I laughed. May have been the first time that I was self-deprecating..

My uncle was sitting in the house (During around 1999), computers and wires everywhere... Well now he owns an internet service provider.

All energies are so complex and confusing, everything changes every moment.. where nothing is the same. So I may be talking like a brain damaged person.. but..

I miss the feelings. I was stolen - Everything from me was taken. I now am in an alien world, feeling not much.. Went through so much. So when I feel anything that reminds me of how I thought "life" was (What my mom made it to be.... before she messed it up + My dad, causing her to cheat... with his bad personality traits..), I feel grateful.

I just want it to go the right way... to understand.. idk nvm

My psychiatrist gives me tips, prescribes to help... I need a therapist.

My friend is having some mental health struggles lately and hasn’t been leaving their house. So I’m unsure if I will be able to go see Halloween Ends with them next weekend when it comes out in theaters.

I don’t want to not see it in theater because I saw the previous 2 in theater but I’d probably have to go alone this time. I guess I could. It’s just really anxiety inducing going to a theater by myself. I could just wait and see it when it comes out digitally. But I might just do it, go by myself, because I really really want to see it in theater and will regret not going. It’s just an experience seeing it. It will make the Halloween season special feeling.

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I regret the 2 vaccines that I was manipulated into getting (Sorry to be THAT person lol... But someone has to be, in any group I guess..)

Ignore me...

At least I can still travel to Mexico..

Yeah olanzapine is one of th worst formweight gain and diabetes, Abilify is actually considered one of the better ones that my insurance covers so I don’t have a lot of choices anyway.

Look for a meet up group that does movies or ask your friend from the building?

I just got the bivalent omicron one tonight and the flu vaccine too….hoping for no to mild reaction.

My other friend doesn't like horror movies. I asked my sister if she would go with me, I told her I'd pay for her ticket, but it's okay if she doesn't because she's pretty busy, if she can't then I'll just go by myself. Will be good to get over my anxiety

Going grocery shopping tomorrow. Trying to eat a balanced diet. Meaning eating a wide variety of foods, a lot of healthy foods, some unhealthy foods (allowing room for treats occasionally) just basically balanced eating which I've never been able to do due to my eating disorder. I tend to go to either extreme of not eating enough food in general for long periods of time or eating way too much of unhealthy stuff. So I'm trying to eat regularly and not feel guilty for eating regular meals and some snacks through the day.

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I'm also trying to not obsess about weight loss. Like if weight loss is a side effect of eating healthier/more balanced and exercising that's great but it's not my main reason for doing so. I'm mostly doing it for health now and to feel good, I'm not going to stress myself out about getting to a certain size because that just drives me insane and I get caught up in the madness of trying to force myself to get there and I end up getting sick from not eating enough.

I feel like I've spent wayyyy too much mental power obsessing about weight throughout my life. Like so much wasted mental energy. I could put it to better use.

I feel like I can accept myself

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