Roll Call 195

Have at it!

I got levodopa at the healthfood store

Common and Rare Side Effects for L-Dopa oral

The side effects are so bad that I might take it back.

I have a chair that arrived so I assembled it, moved my bed and stuff around. Now I'm sitting here, paranoid about people seeing through my window.

I smoked weed 3 times yesterday and I cried with my mom - Although I wasn't sure if I should cry, laugh or get angry/apathetic or anxious. She said "See it's the weed" - But this isn't the first time this happened. I wasn't able to make eye contact and was wringing my hands, shaking. I took clonazepam, woke up still feeling agitated.

I think about what happened in isolation/the basement and I feel like it DEFINES me. It probably does. I can't shake the feeling and I can't stop thinking about this regret so much that I want to kms - And I told her. She seriously asked me if I needed to get help (Go to the psych ward) and I said NO. All of the healthcare workers are exhausted and psychiatrists are assholes. They'd take away the stimulant (As usual), give it back and change meds etc, put me on an SSRI. Lord help me.

But this morning I felt better, took the Vyvanse (Which I skipped yesterday - Felt a lack of dopamine-weirdness/pain). I took phenibut. Slight self medicating will work for now.

I'm stunned by everything moved around - All of my interests that I procrastinate... the video chat people/sociopath soldiers and what they said. My self-esteem is at a complete low.

Idk if I'm even serious or not.

Edit: I shut the blinds. It'll do for tonight.

But I feel good, calm.. Lol. Ignore me.

I thought levodopa was a prescription-only medication? Maybe not.

This might strike you as an off-kilter question - but have you considered going off of the stimulant? Or perhaps you could switch to modafinil or something more mild? I am on modafinil and it helps me a lot. I don't really get tired. (Except when I should get tired).

Postscript: I don't know how stimulants work.

Edit: Nvm just a little BPD on my end

I see my doctor today! Half day at work. Then tomorrow I see the gastro doctor and see how that’s going. I have the day off tomorrow. So I get an extra long weekend with some appointments inbetween.

I don’t know what else to do with my time. I thought maybe I could go back to doing university courses but I’m waiting to see what the government says about the university because there’s a fight they’re threatening to pull funding. No pointing registering for classes if they lose funding and go bankrupt.

I feel my motivation lacking. I have worked out a bit lately but it’s hard to get motivation. Hard to get motivation to brush my teeth or shower. Idk. I think I need an SSRI or something to help perk me up. Idk. I’ll talk to my doctor today.

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Hope you enjoy your long weekend, and that you're able to take classes again. Hopefully your doctor has an idea of something to help you with with motivation

Good morning, Mustachio harassed me into getting up at 7am. She kept meowing and biting me (gently lol ) and licking my nose, so I finally got up and just gave them their breakfast. I think even Maybelle was on the bed bothering me at some point in the morning which she usually doesn't do, she normally just stares at me at a distance, I am unsure because I was really tired but I do think I saw her get up on the bed and meow at me.

It's going on 9am now. I'm going to the library in about an hour to print out some documents I need.

Have been having some olfactory hallucinations (smelling things that aren't actually there)

It's my nephews birthday today. He's in prison right now, has been for the past 5 years (drug related). I miss him, he should be getting out soon. He turns 28, same age as I am. May be weird but yeah my mom had me when she was older (39),she had my sister when she was around 18 years old. So there's a big age difference, my sister is in her late 40's, and I'm 28. Which is why I have a nephew the same age as me

Plan on doing some cleaning today

Sweep/mop
Vacuum whole apartment
Clean bathroom
Organize all my paperwork into different folders
Change/clean the litterbox

Saturday I'm going to my friend's house to hang out for awhile. Sunday I'm going to try to go to church for the first time in over 3 years. Next week I have 2 dentist appointments, grocery shopping, and some events in the building to go to (coffee and tea social day)

Then on the 22nd I start volunteering! Very excited.

I feel pretty crappy still. I don't know if it is depression or what. Bleh.

What was helping you most IP?

I am just monitoring my email today. I mean that's really all I have to do. I get obsessive about checking email and other notifications and stuff.

Also meditating with a candle is really nice. It helps me focus.

I'm not sure. I guess I just forced myself to not worry about stuff happening outside of the hospital--work, whatever. Just focus on that stuff.

My Pdoc probably hates me. I've been pestering him too much, last week for the hospitalization, this week for medication changes, a couple of months ago because my GP was freaking out. UGH.

The hospital took me off one of my anti-depressants and two of my anti-psychotics and raised the dose by triple of the third anti-psychotic. I think the anti-psychotics are fine, not that I am not having hallucinations because I am, and I am also having dizziness and stuff which I figure is from the A/P. But I think I need the A/D back. So I messaged my pdoc through the portal and asked him if I could restart the A/D that the hospital took me off of. I am waiting for a response. He probably hates me right now. I can't handle this depression. It's too much.

I talked with a crisis line during my lunch break. She didn't really have any useful suggestions but it was sort of nice just to be able to talk about my thoughts in a non-judgmental platform. Kind of took the edge off of things.

I want some chocolate. MMM

I'm sorry, and I am sure your pdoc does not hate you.

I struggle with similar feelings that I am pestering my pdoc.

However, it's their job to help you. I have called my pdoc three times this week if it makes you feel any better.

Thanks, WA, that does make me feel better! I rarely bother him outside of our scheduled appointment times, but with a crisis, all that goes out the window! I just hate to be a pain in anyone's backside!

I struggle with feeling like I am bothering people or making them mad, and most of the time that is just my distorted thinking, or maybe paranoia. Usually people get mad if I ask them if they are mad, so I have learned not to do that. But then you never really know, do you.....so it becomes a point to ruminate on. Sigh.

He will probably get back to me after 6 PM. That is when he is finished with patients for the day. At least he is working today. He works Wed-Friday only. Last week when I was bugging him, it was on his "off" days. Whoops.

HUGS my friend. Hugs.

Well my youngest niece survived her first day of Kindergarten.

My sister sent me before school and after school pictures. In the after school picture, my niece is wearing some kind of paper hat that they colored. I am surprised she colored because she doesn't like coloring, and when she does color she DEMANDS markers but it was nicely colored (for a five year old) in crayon. Maybe she saw the other kiddos using crayons and wanted to fit in. And, she actually kept her hair up all day, and did not pull out the elastic bands from her pigtails. I am astonished. Small victories/miracles.

My sister said that when it was time to drop her off at school she anticipated a big scene with tears and meltdowns and the like. But she walked through the gate in the fence like she owned the place. And she said when she got picked up that her day was long. Lol.

Probably because baby girl stays up until 11 PM or 12 AM and now she has to get up for school early in the AM. (My sister and brother-in-law don't believe in set bedtimes, just that children will go to sleep when they are tired. Shrug. I don't know. I don't have kiddos. We had a bedtime growing up, but I don't know if that is common or uncommon.)

My Pdoc got back to me. He said I could restart the Cymbalta. I usually take 30 mg twice a day. So he said take only 30 mg for a couple of days and then work my way back up to 30 mg in the morning and 30 at night. Whew. I hope this gives me some relief.

I also got a chocolate bar at the liquor store next to work. Yum. It ended my craving for chocolate. Stupid stress.

Saw my doctor today. He understands what I mean when I tried to explain about why I wanted to see a gynaecologist instead of him for a pap.

While I was there he asked how I was feeling and I explained that I had a couple days where I was almost hypomanic and then I calmed down and while I’m trying to get into exercising I’m feeling this lack of motivation in anything having to do with taking care of myself. Exercise, showering, brushing my teeth. I’m trying and it’s hard sometimes.

He doesn’t want to put me on any SSRI or anything because he thinks I’m driving a fine line with my meds. He’s worried I could easily go up in my mood if I’m on an SSRI. Which I understand. I just had a random bout of almost hypomania and that wasn’t even with anything extra.

So I have gastro doctor tomorrow, then CT scan at the end of the month (and I have to get blood tests a week before), then allergist at the beginning of September. I see another doctor about my CT results a couple weeks after my CT scan. And then that takes us to mid September and I’ll probably see my doctor again then.

He made mention again that he’s a little worried about my blood pressure. It’s a little high. Combined with me being overweight and fatty liver he’s considering suggesting I go on ozempic to help me lose weight.

I’m trying my best but I might do it if my insurance covers it. If it can help long lasting weight loss that would be great. When I’m mentally in a bad place my eating disorder kicks in and I can lose a lot of weight easily and workout like crazy to lose weight. But I’m mentally somewhat normal so I don’t seem to know how to lose weight in a long lasting safe way.

It’s annoying. I’ve always struggled with my weight ever since I was a teenager. Before the pandemic I was in a good place and was going to the gym and also swimming. Then it was all at home crazy and I gained a lot of weight. Doesn’t help the medication as well.

I wish I had motivation and I wish I felt safe enough in the world to go to the gym. I really enjoyed going to the gym when I did go before.

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