Roll Call 196

I talked to my care manager. I feel so anxious I feel on the verge of throwing up and she said it’s not good to feel that way and force myself into situations that make me feel that way. Also volunteering in a kitchen/serving food is high pressure and there is a lot happening fast a lot of stress, so I’m gonna focus on school and lower pressure social stuff until I get ready again to go back to volunteering. I let the place I was volunteering at know. At least I have like 8 hours volunteer experience there now. That’s good

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Walked to the library and then the store. Carried books and 20lb bag of cat litter home so I guess I got my exercise for the day. At least the cats are set on litter, with what they already have and with what I bought today, don't have to worry about cat food or litter the rest of the month

Hugs Desoxyn and Blue_Bird

Still waiting on the letter from my Pdoc's office for my workplace accommodation. I have been waiting 11 days. I find this very stressful and discouraging.

Hope you get it soon

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I do feel good this morning. Maybe I'm overreacting slightly with the depression.

It's just difficult to know what to do, how to organize life....

Morning Vyvanse is a nice antidepressant, slightly.

Mustachio is such a love bug today

Feel highly irritable. Not sure if it's from PMS or what

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I have so much mania. But no one has ever diagnosed me with bipolar. But dang. I mean it affects me a lot.

I was thinking about asking my pdoc if I can go on Clozapine.

But I don't know if it's such a wonder drug. People (doctors) have discouraged me from going on it in the past. But if it can help me get a handle on my impulsivity that would be nice.

Are you schizoaffective or just schizophrenia dxed? Because schizoaffective and bipolar with psychosis may as well be the same thing. A lot of people with the highs pursue advanced degrees etc. it just depends if you can manage the psychosis or even not have it until later in life.

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The main issue is the constant bloodwork and for many it’s more of a gainer than even olanzapine.

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Keep things constant for at least two weeks after any change to see what the long term effects are, we all have waves.

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I'm schizoaffective. Yeah and that makes me mad that my psychiatrist just says like oh I'm just depressed with psychotic features. For me, psychosis almost implies mania. I've been seeing this guy for over 8 years and he hasn't realized I get manic sometimes. So annoying.

Anyway, just needed to vent that.

I think I'm gonna switch pdocs.

And also I'm on one of the most potent cocktails of antidepressants ever, mirtazapine + venlafaxine, at high doses. I thought it was contraindicated for people with mania to take antidepressants. Anyway, that could explain a lot.

I need Nirvana, and all of the best things. Looking deep inside of myself, pealing the layers like an onion, until I find myself - In a place, like the dissociative panic attacks.. Just in a different time.

Was it good? All of those acid feelings.. idk..

And it's difficult... First, to organize - Second, to not disturb, to let go. ADHD, Buddhist monk. Which one do I choose, and is there another option.

Learning.. to not be lazy. I have energy... Just don't know exactly where to put it. So I waste time. The trip.. Mixed everything up - But saved me. Now I'm in the same place, spiralling again - And will end up in the same position? No.. it's not like that.. Cuz there was a birth, being a baby... and then, a second time.

That's what a sacred second chance is, within this life. No one knows where we go after =/

Why can't I just keep drinking alcohol

I expect no one to care, about me just being.. "God mad", and eventually I'll be okay.

I still love alcohol. Cannot drink it though....

Have you ever tried Abilify…it has some natural antidepressant qualities but blocks mania pretty effectively as well and thus psychosis. I take that, vitamin d and fish oil and I’ve been balanced for some time….the supplements balance out some of the adhd that I swear comes from APs and the vitamin d is for seasonal depression. Of course it varies for everyone but I know bluebird has been doing great on Abilify too.

Supposedly if you’re on a mood stabilizer which a lot of the atypical Antipsychotics are, then you’re ok to have an antidepressant too…

I would be drunk on half a glass on this AP…do not recommend.

I was on ~35-40mg of Abilify equivalent a day. Maybe.. It was just me.. that was impulsive, reckless.. manic?

Oh ok got it. Yeah. I seem to oscillate on opinions a lot. I think I still might see a new pdoc though since my current one just tries to get me on really low doses of everything until I feel like crap again and then we have to raise everything up again.

Yeah I am on 30 mg Abilify. Haha.