Roll Call 196

Waking up early for work. My mind hurts.

I’m not surprised…for me most of my psychosis was caused by anxiety so benzos would help in theory.

My sister is dropping off the cats scratching post and toys tonight. I told her she doesn’t have to do it today because she had a long *** work shift but she said she will she is just going to rest until tonight and then come. She got home this morning from a 36 hour shift at the VA hospital where she’s chief of EMS. So I guess the cats get their Christmas presents a week early, I’ll still give them treats and stuff on Christmas Eve/day. But I’m gonna put their scratching post together tonight for them and put some catnip on it

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I have an Apple Music subscription now and have been listening to music almost non stop for the past 3 days. I purchased some more songs to keep to support my favorite artists as well.

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It felt good to finally talk to my therapist on Tuesday about my life growing up since I never talked to anyone about my childhood before out loud. There's still a lot more I need to talk about.

She asked if I ever got into drinking alcohol since my mom was alcoholic my whole life. I experimented with drinking as a young adult and then adult. But at 17-19 years old I was more into experimenting with stupid random combinations of

and smoking weed (chronic) with my boyfriend. My mom was never into getting high, she was strictly into alcohol, all day every single day my whole life. I ended up getting really reckless as a teen and just experimented with random stuff because it felt good to be high and happy and get away from my living situation I was stuck in. I hate to say I'm thankful my mom died but honestly I was getting worse mentally and doing stupid things to cope so maybe it's kind of sort of in a way a good thing because it stopped me from going further with experimenting. I got out of that situation right after she died and moved back here to NY and started living on my own after a short time staying with my sister.

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It's funny. I always felt that I had nothing to talk about in therapy but it was because I refused to talk about anything about my past life to anyone. I never mentioned it, never alluded to it nothing in 7 years of consistent therapy because I figured it was stupid and irrelevant to bring up because I'm 28 years old and I figured the past is just that the past. and I'm just NOW talking about issues from the past. I guess that's how long it took for me to feel comfortable talking about things with anyone.

I don't hate my mom. I love her , I just think with her mental health issues and alcohol addiction she just should not have dragged me around the country for the ride. I feel like she was a good person just had issues, she wasn't mean, she was just more like a really good friend than a mom because she wasn't responsible

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I've felt similarly to when you refer to not having much to talk about in therapy. I used to believe I didn't have a lot to say in therapy. But I think after years and years of it, I'm finally coming to a place where I can deal with my issues head on.

I made it to work on time (Was hell to wake up - My mom prepared coffee), I drank coffee at work too. Left (I think my boss would like me to stay longer.. But I get restless), picked up the meds from pharmacy (It's like -25 out.. Very cold).

I got the lamotrigines (To take in the morning).. And the "Paliperidone 3mg" pills (For PRN - In case I get symptoms at the end of the injection, and to keep taking until next appointment) - They costed 150 dollars. Holy crap (But were paid for by gov).

I take pregabalin in the morning now instead of at night...

5mg olanzepine pills.. He said to try all of these for 5 days (If WD/insomnia gets too bad, to go back on 10mg).

So for now, I won't take any other miscellaneous psychoactive chems... I'll see what these do..

This is very similar to me. Ages 18-21 = One massive drug binge

18-21 were also the years that I was on Abilify 400mg injection and 10mg pill in the morning.

It gave me primarily severe impulsive ADHD.

"10x the max dose for everything".

And we live... another day.

I don't know what to do with life today =/

I can't plan.. I need to plan..... Just existential

In kind of a dark mood today. I want off of the Klonopin.

I watched this show on Netflix with my mom;

'Take Your Pills: Xanax' - On Netflix - An Informative Documentary - Martin Cid Magazine

It was good, informative. I already knew.. My mom was anxious watching it (Has taken 1mg of Ativan every night for 5+ years), I said not to worry.. To prepare herself for getting off - But it's so short acting that slight withdrawal happens during the day, like a stimulant - To be awake.

She said that if she takes it too early, she'll be up at 3am, tossing and turning. Or if missed a dose, same thing.

Too much benzos can cause dementia (Because less of the brain is being used over time from decreased receptor activity).

Then things about Lil Xan, taking 24mg Xanax a day, glorifying drugs (Young generation - I'm guilty of that too), people ordering on Snapchat, fentanyl laced, whole thing in this dystopia. But balance is key.

So 2 weeks - 1 month, Valium can be used.. But benzos are to be used as tools until coping mechanisms are gained, during stressful life situations or PRN (To feel safe, carrying them around just in case), etc.

SP! Benzo withdrawal can cause psychosis.. You have a point

I hate Klonopin honestly. I really would like to get off of it.

It is difficult.. Don't give up. It can be done.. How much are you on? 2mg?

In the hospital (At one point), I was on 0.5mg 3x a day - But not long enough to get withdrawal... Unless they gave me antipsychotics for it..

Cuz I was always "agitated" and kept asking for olanzepine (Sublingual 5mg) - So I'd take that + 12mg of Invega, Abilify and 50mg of Seroquel 4x a day.

Olanzepine and Seroquel are 'kind of' benzos.. Higher olanzepine dose could allow you to get off more easily (Not medical advice).

If it is 2mg (For a while) - It's not good. Would take a while to get off. I don't mean to talk lightly about it.. I remember hearing about people "taking pieces of a benzo pill off, every few weeks" - Or titrating using water "volumetric dosing".

It shouldn't be excruciating if done correctly, but difficult. If it's too much mental suffering, wait a while until you're ready again.. Hugs though Enjoy the least anxiety moments that you have RN.

Ashton Manual - Benzodiazepine Information Coalition

Not feeling great tonight. Extremely anxious to the point of being paranoid and also dissociating.

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And I feel like crying all at the same time.

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Hugs BB.. That's the worst mental state to be in (I've been there).. Sounds like the time to take a PRN benzo (If you think it will last a long time).

You've mentioned really vulnerable stuff, and have been honest AF recently - So it can run in your subconscious for a while. We're all proud of you! Time to distract/enjoy something for now I guess, or rest.. Process..

Thank you Desoxyn, you’re always so supportive, I really appreciate it. yeah I might end up taking a klonopin then go to sleep, it’s been 38 days since taking one so it’s probably fine to take one now. I also didn’t sleep well the past two nights so that’s not helping things

I just got a new pair of gaming headphones so might play a game or watch something for a bit before I go to sleep

The cats got their new scratching post so I put that together for them

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Good morning, I took the klonopin last night. It helped my anxiety and I slept really good, slept from 9:53pm to 6:12am according to my Fitbit. I did a meditation from Deepak Chopra before bed, he has some meditations on the Fitbit premium mindfulness app.

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The cats are happy with their new toys and their scratching post

Did some cleaning today, took a shower, sat outside for awhile in the cold. It's 30 degrees so not super bad, it kind of feels refreshing. After 15 minutes of sitting there though I was too cold and had to come inside. I forgot to bring gloves too so my hands were freezing. And I was wearing leggings so definitely not the warmest pants. I just want to get out of my apartment more because I've been inside too much recently due to some reoccurring semi agoraphobic tendencies.

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I am not liking this Latuda stuff. It is not going well at all. I want to increase my olanzapine back up to 15 mg and my Abilify back up to 30 mg.

Eh on the same vein, I am only on 40 mg of Latuda, which isn't much.

I heard the max dose is 80 mg, but you can go up to 160 mg if necessary.