Roll Call 197

The lasagna looks so amazing Cogladaid! Great job

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I'm starting to accept this illusion, and that.. this particular world is evil.

I'll just pretend I'm on a voyage, flying across space - To destination unknown. I have to figure out more about how consciousness/self works..

As I know nothing..

But a wise Indian guru told me something yesterday... One sec I'll find it;

"You overthink. Life is pretty simple. Some people suck. Most people are good. Just try to enjoy the good. Care about the bad and do what you can. But to stress about everything is not good for the mind. If I worried constantly about war around the world and disease and starvation I would crack. I care but have to separate myself from it otherwise I'd go insane. More than usual. Life doesn't have this big crazy conspiracy attached to it. It just is."

That’s really good advice

that’s kind of what I feel. I just try to focus on the present moment do what I can, I used to obsess over the virus/pandemics, nuclear war, etc to the point I was having dreams every night about it and any time (in my actual life) a plane flew over head) I can hear them loudly when they do because I live on the third floor)I would instantly panic and think we were under attack or something.

I had to stop because it was making me sick with anxiety to the point I was paranoid and felt like throwing up from stress and thinking there’s no point to keep on living anymore if we’re all just gonna die probably soon anyway either from some disease or war.

I had to train my brain to not think about it obsessively and focus on my present moment and control what I actually have control over

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Nvm just gonna get a PRN for 5 mg olanzapine.

Jk I want to be at 15 mg olanzapine and no other antipsychotics.

I'm stuck because the 15 mg olanzapine helps my mental health symptoms the most but it causes the worst side effects.

I hate making treatment decisions!!!!

But actually, I'm just going to see this as a challenge I must overcome.

Sorry for spamming the thread but I think I also just need coffee at night. It helps me resolve problems more easily.

Serotonin: “The Confidence Molecule”

^ That makes a lot of sense. When I was on 4x 20mg Prozacs, I was so incredibly confident.. that I neglected every responsibility AND the high dose Abilify? - That made me super impulsive etc (As I've mentioned many times).

I don't have as much confidence, but I worked on self-improvement a lot.. At this point (Like yesterday especially), feeling like everything is going against me, my happiness won't last.

I said to myself, "Even if I feel better, I still want to go back on Prozac - Even if it makes me feel numb". I need a break. It would be like a vacation, to block out the world and focus more on reinforcing a sense of purpose, meaning, and accomplishment, etc (Without being so down on myself, severe anxiety about the world.. etc...). I get paranoid of coworkers - It's way too much. It shouldn't be like that. And working on myself in a more numb state, I can step out of my comfort zone more, and then won't need the Prozac anymore.

Idk. It could work. I'm so disorganized @WA - Like I don't know what to do with meds (Which are a good 20% of my time, and it should be like 1%). I wish I saw my psychiatrist more often. I want to book an appointment with my regular doctor - He'll tell me to exercise and won't believe how sui I've been (Not that exercise doesn't help.. I plan to do that, but also eating healthy/fasting + A million other things).

I want to sort through everything....

Yeah olanzapine helps me 20-fold with organization. It's like a different world when I'm on that stuff at a reasonable dose. I am asking my pdoc for it today because without it I will be totally hosed.

I'm really fatigued and tired today. I was like this a lot last week and over the weekend. Saturday I did okay. I wanted to sleep in but I woke up at 5:30 AM. I cleaned my room and went to lunch with my parents and two aunts and two uncles. Watched a lot of football. Yesterday I was so tired. Didn't make Church. Stayed home and watched football. I don't know why I am so tired/fatigued. Oh well. Eventually it will get better.

Got out of bed at 1pm. I really didn't want to, being exhausted as hell. Vyvanse will kick in, then I'll do the things, that I don't want to do. Live the life that I don't want to live. Lol..

Sorry to hear you are exhausted too Desoxyn! hug

So like… I have this group of friends. Not sure if I’ve ever mentioned here before. There were four of them. We know each other from work and were seemingly good friends. A few months ago they ghosted me and had a group conversation behind my back. Because I was ‘too negative’. One left the group, two apologized, and one just started talking to me again without apologizing. I told them flat out if they have a problem with me they can leave.

Anyway, I stopped really trusting them too much but kept talking to them. Things have been fine but I’ve noticed they don’t really respond to what I say (even though I haven’t been negative at all).

I was sick the other day off work off social media because I had a fever in response to my COVID shot. No one noticed I was gone. No one asked if I was okay. No one asked me the next day why I wasn’t there. Nothing. I notice when they’re not there. I notice when they’re quiet and busy.

I engage in conversation. I care. I thought we were friends.

I cried about this earlier because we’re not on the same level. They say they’re friends but they don’t really care.

So I’m just disconnected now. I’ll respond when they chat but I won’t offer anything. I’ll ask what’s wrong (be ignored of course) and engage. I won’t start a conversation.

I engaged in conversation with one of them earlier today. No one responded to me. I didn’t say anything. No one said anything for two hours.

Nobody asks me how I’m doing. How was my weekend. What’s my weekend plans. How are things. I have to offer this up. I have to start a conversation.

I just feel done. They aren’t really friends.

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Sorry about your friends cogladaid. That hurts. It's hard being ignored and unseen by people we care about. HUG

I texted T because I am having some SH urges but also because I think Joan of Arc wants to talk to me. But I am open to the idea that it is a delusion. But it's hard because it is so compelling! T answered and said it is probably a delusion. So I gotta rest in that. Although I am curious to know what Joan of Arc wants to tell me! She hasn't actually spoke yet. Just something in me knows that she wants to talk to me. Maybe has to do with my upcoming trip to Peru. Not sure.

I'm a bit worried that Joan of Arc won't actually talk to me now and I will miss the opportunity to hear what she has to say. But the feeling that she is going to talk to me has lessened some. I texted a couple of friends and my T.

I read an article about that. How even through our schizophrenic ramblings and musings that there can be really important stuff in what is said. I never thought about it that way. But now this seems important. But because I talked to others, she might not talk to me. That will make me sad I think.

Hi Kit, who is Joan of Arc? Your therapist?

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