Roll Call 200

I tried quitting 12x pieces of nicotine gum a day, this morning.

I was at work, and felt severely cognitively impaired (Like never before). I told my boss that I was going to buy the gum... I didn't come back. I was supposed to work this extra day (Cuz he needed help, scrubbing the walls and stuff).

I really hate scrubbing, sanding, painting etc - It reminds me of what my ex step dad got me to do like every day for years. I can't help myself but be tortured.

So I'm only working 3 days (Instead of 4 days). Cuz my mental health gets bad. I feel bad about myself for that. I only work in the mornings.

But when I'm working, I often take naps in the evening - Like yesterday.. I went to bed at 3pm, and woke up at 8:30am (So 17 hours).

It sucks. The OCD thoughts bother me, and now I feel guilty, sitting at home - Difficult to attend to goals etc.. It's meaningless RN.

I told the pharmacist about the nicotine gum addiction, and I feel like she could think that I'm not taking the stimulant as prescribed. I try to do my best by doing/saying the right things.

I felt terrible two nights ago - I talked with my mom, and things were okay.. I took 10mg of diazepam and an extra 5mg of olanzepine. I was so screwed up, mentally. At the end of the night, my cat sat with me in my bed, and I cried.