Roll Call 202

I work Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday this coming week. Not looking forward to Black Friday and Saturday. I have to clock in at 6:45am both days. And Saturday it’s an 8 hour 15 minute shift, which is the longest shift I’ve had since we did inventory when I first started working there. I did an 8 hour shift then too but that’s the only time I’ve done a shift that long. It’s gonna be hectic as hell being the holiday weekend. It’s hectic on regular weekends so I can only imagine it will be pure chaos. I don’t even know what I’m gonna be doing the first couple hours those two shifts because I have to clock in at 6:45am and the store doesn’t even open to customers till 9am. Probably recovery on the sales floor and organizing. I’m scheduled to cashier those days too which sucks because it’s gonna be so busy it’s gonna be insane. I’d rather be on the sales floor the whole day those days but I know that won’t happen.

I was supposed to do recovery all day yesterday but they had me cashiering for half the day because a cashier called out. It’s like every day cashiers call out. Idk what’s up with that. Earlier in the week I covered for a cashier who called out and one who went home early. I’ve barely been able to make any progress with the talent captain stuff because they keep needing me to cashier cause they’re so short staffed all the time, and do recovery also cause the store is a wreck. I feel like there should be some etiquette requirements in stores for customers. Like don’t throw **** everywhere, it’s really not hard to at least put something back on a rail even if you don’t put it in the right place. All of it has to be cleaned up over and over. Or a shelf. Some people leave their carts at the register. Like right there, and there’s a line behind it. So absurd. People lay clothes over the rails. Please don’t do that if you go into a clothing store. lol it just has to be fixed over and over. It’s a pain. There’s tons of clothes that are just hung over top of clothing rails laying across it. People are really frustrating sometimes.

I might use my employee discount to shop there for Christmas presents for family. Might as well. Will save me money. They have some really nice stuff. Also, I haven’t ever shopped there. I get paid next Friday should be able to do some Christmas shopping after I get off Friday afternoon

I'm less autistic and schizophrenic now.

I wonder if I should become a waiter or cook (At the restaurant) when I get back (Cuz I'm prescribed a lot of dextroamphetamine, real awake and focused..) - But also, I like just doing minimum dish washing and prep-cooking at work, cleaning etc (For 3-4 hours, 3x mornings a week)..

So I have a lot of time.. I wish I could create a business or something.. Mainly, I want to make money, somehow.. I'm just not good at networking and stuff..

Gen Z's are really good at that stuff - I'm a Gen Z, but older, and grew up when technology was really ******, and without social media. I still did drugs/alcohol, didn't get a degree, had zero friends as a teenager, was lonely and isolated etc.

It's tough. I maintained a good amount of personal responsibility, and I'm okay!.. More than most people.. I don't desire a lot of the lives that most people do, my cognition is good now, I'm okay with my severely introverted self.... As long as I'm not around people that make my life hard.

My grandmother (For example), she sits and argues with people on FB (In the dark), all day, all night.. In a mansion, alone. I should just do what ever makes me happy - But I want that "Self-Actualization" - And I plan to get that... Then *transcend*... All awareness of myself, the world, reality, and beyond..

I have a compass.. And know what I'm doing.. I should have faith in that.. And I do.. I know things about the world that others don't (While being very very stoned on psychoactive chemicals, DPDR and psychosis)...

I'll figure out a way. Until then, I enjoy.

No.. I just need to meditate.. But I know within self, what I should do.. On top of everything, now... Just need to extract my soul more, and then expand.. Directed to the heart of the universe..

I'll be gone, far away. And I will come back with the gold.. I will give, to all of the sufferers.. And have a magical time, showing us all - Magic. Many people will put me down, and lift me up - We're all doing that.. 1's and 0's..

Like colours and bright lights, flowing around, inside of a glass ball - Look into the glass ball.. See the future.. The past.. Right now..

Right here, right now..

But anyways, I'll go on vacation for 3 weeks (Next week), to Vancouver Island. It'll be fun! Always gotta have a goal.. Cuz most people have no idea what they're doing.. And suffering too.. If you know truly what you're doing within your soul?, then you can withstand the suffering of life..

And that is they key, in this infinite magic ball.. I do, um.. have an addiction to government conspiracies RN, too many interests.. I'm just, feeling around.. Yknow.. I am free (For now) - And we will always be trapped, free, trapped, free again (Like reincarnation).

I think I’ve been managing my borderline personality disorder pretty well. Meditation and mindfulness helps. I’m still taking my meds and I’m therapy of course. But I feel like I’ve made an immense amount of progress in the last 10 years. I was the definition of chaos and recklessness and impulsivity etc back in my teens and early 20’s. Tons of hospital stays, 3 suicide attempts, getting high on stuff to the point of blacking out one time, binge drinking, cutting, not being able to maintain a relationship and wrecking every single one I was in. I still deal with mood swings and paranoia and impulsivity but it’s on a much lesser scale now. It’s don’t act on every impulse. And it’s been well over 5 years since I was last inpatient in the hospital. I haven’t drank or gotten high on anything in years. I have job. Have been in a healthy relationship for 8 months. I feel like there’s so much stigma against people with BPD, but I have made it to the other side finally. I’m still impulsive in some areas in my life. Still get paranoid, still have mood swings, still think in black and white (all or nothing) sometimes, But I’m able to cope and enjoy life. My doctor wouldn’t even diagnose me with it at this point because I’ve improved significantly. I think I’ll always have it. It may have calmed down, it’s still there. But I think it’s under control. I just have to stay on top of it and manage it the best I can like I have been. I don’t act on every impulse. I’ve impulsively wanted to break up with my boyfriend for no reason (just mood swings) probably a dozen times in our relationship but I haven’t. I used to act on every impulse and destroy every relationship I had.

I still feel like I have a long way to go. Eventually I want to move out of supportive housing. And maybe eventually someday work full time after I’ve gotten a college degree. I can’t do retail full time. That would be too much. But a different type of job I could probably manage full time someday. But in the mean time I’ll keep doing my retail part time job and gaining experience. I’m 29. I feel like I shouldn’t be this far behind in life but I’m working on becoming fully independent.

Anyway, my violin lesson went well today. Have another one next Sunday. I should have time to practice everyday this week. Tomorrow I work from 11am to 3pm.

I felt tired. Small dose ket. Posted antennas, LSD infinity, religious, pictures of static on my FB.

I'm fine now nvm

Mental confusion and hopelessness. Need olanzepine and benzo. I'll go to sleep... I just wanted, some meaning, outside of this room.. This house.. It's like I'm stuck in hot tar, and can't escape...

Edit: I just find myself rocking back-and-forth, having my hands in my hair. Lol.. But no I'll sleep...

I’ve gotten a total of 4 hours of sleep in the past 72 hours. I feel horrible. I’m so exhausted. I want to call out from work but I am not gonna. I’m just gonna try to get it over with then I have tomorrow off. I just hope they don’t ask me to stay late today

Since all the cats at petsmart with the organization I volunteer with go home to stay with their foster homes over the holiday so there’s no cats left there in their cages over the holiday, so I won’t have to go in tomorrow cause they’re all in their foster homes this week/weekend, but will be back next week and I will be back to volunteering then. So I get tomorrow off volunteering, which means I can sleep in if I can actually sleep since I don’t have work either tomorrow

So I am trying to do my thesis again. Anyway. People wanna normalize me but they never will. I am a normal person. It's just that people wish to normalize me. And that is not good. I don't like it one bit.

Also, I don't know if my girlfriend is one of those people who wants to normalize me. It's weird. I don't know how that works. It's like she wants me to fit in or something. I don't know if it's really gonna work out.

I feel sometimes as if having a significant other adds significantly more stress to my life.

This actually really helped me to read that you've had a similar experience to mine. I am wanting to break up with my girlfriend right now, and I know it would destroy things. Reading your post made me rethink things.

Thank you I’m glad to hear that! Yeah it’s good to work on learning not to act on every impulse. Unless there’s a valid reason for it and if your emotions aren’t getting in the way of making a rational decision. I think the best advice I could give is to sleep on decisions. Maybe for a couple weeks. And if you still feel the same way talk to someone unbiased about it like a therapist and see what they say. Basically don’t rush to make decisions you’ll end up regretting. Cause I used to do that a lot. Break up just because I impulsively get overwhelmed and think the stress in my life is caused by my relationship. I know it probably wasn’t easy to be in a relationship with me in the past , I know I broke up with boyfriends randomly then regretted it and got back together and repeat etc. it’s hard for the other person to deal with as much as it is hard for me and others with these tendencies. So try to be 100% sure about any decisions, and learn to ride out emotions and impulses. Usually at least in my case when I feel that way usually it’s stress in other areas of my life that make me feel overwhelmed and not really the relationship but I end up deciding it’s the relationship and do something stupid like impulsively break up to deal with it. And it’s not a good feeling. I haven’t done it in this relationship, I did impulsively break up with him once when we first started dating again. But since then , I haven’t. And it’s been almost 8 months. It hasn’t been easy. But it’s gotten better. I have less impulses to break up lately even when dealing with stress.

Work went well. It was easy. I mean it was physically exhausting but it wasn’t stressful. Because all I was doing today was markdowns. Which is scanning items and putting clearance stickers on them if a clearance sticker prints out of the printer the Bluetooth scanner is connected to. I was also in the stock room for awhile too later in the day putting security tags and cables on coats. The $50 plus coats require a hard tag , and a 48 H cable , both different types of security alarm tags. It’s really easy. I did accidentally stab my finger hard with the pin part of the hard tag when I was trying to connect one and they’re extremely sharp and it hurt bad and bled. But anyway, I got all the coats tagged they wanted me to do. And I did all the markdowns they told me to do. It was a nice peaceful day where I could just do my work and not be bothered by customers for the most part because I wasn’t cashiering this shift. Which was a nice break.

I finally think I got the meds figured out (although I know it's constantly evolving as a situation, mental health, that is). I need 60 mg lurasidone. And no aripiprazole.

Wait wait, I think I need aripiprazole. But the lurasidone for sure at 60 mg.

I slept for 13 hours. That’s after only sleeping for 4 hours within 72 hours. I feel a lot better. I’m sore from work from yesterday but feel good and rested. I have today off. I didn’t get up till 2pm. I’m just laying around watching hallmark Christmas movies on the frndly subscription streaming app. Gonna see if I can get some organizing done around my apartment. I don’t work again till tomorrow night 5pm to 9pm. Im excited for thanksgiving. Also I found a Turkey casserole recipe I’m gonna make with the leftover Turkey after thanksgiving.

Does anyone know of any good self-help websites or books? I need something to read or go to when I'm feeling down and need some encouragement. I know I can come here, but sometimes I need to read some sort of motivational article or something like that.

I work tonight from 5pm to 9pm then I’m off tomorrow because the store is closed for thanksgiving. Slept really good the past two nights. It’s only 12pm now. Spent some time reading. Feeling good, just listening to music now and drinking a coffee. I get paid Friday morning and I’m getting a bunch of cleaning supplies and stuff to get my apartment deep cleaned and also stuff to make it smell really good. I slacked on cleaning for a few months so it really needs it. I also need new vacuum filters too. And some aromatherapy lotion just because I love aromatherapy and these specific ones from bath and body works are my favorites. One is eucalyptus spearmint. And one is orange ginger. Getting some febreeze plug in diffusers to put around the apartment and new wax melts for my scentsy. Christmas scents.

I made a list of what I want to cook for Christmas.

So here it is

-ham
-Brussels sprouts
-mashed potatoes and gravy
-glazed sweet potatoes
-stuffing
-cranberry sauce
-dinner rolls
-homemade baked Mac and cheese
-homemade egg custard pie
-homemade chocolate chess pie
-deviled eggs

Definitely the most ambitious Ive ever done but I’m excited. And also gonna have some holiday drinks around the house. Not alcohol. I mean like eggnog, cocoa, cranberry juice, some Coca Cola, mocha peppermint coffee creamer.

Yeah, idk why I’m gonna do this but I really want to go all out this Christmas. It’s just me but I’ll have tons of leftovers which is good. Not healthy really but it’s the holidays. Then New Year’s Eve I’ll order a pizza or maybe some buffalo wings

You should check out Jay Shetty’s podcast , he was a monk for awhile. He does like motivational speaking and stuff now. He also wrote the book Think Like a Monk which is great

My sister isn’t coming over for thanksgiving because her boyfriend has covid and they live together so they’re not going out for the holiday since they don’t want to get people sick.

It’s just gonna be me and my cats ; and my boyfriend over the phone and FaceTime, we’ll watch some shows and play some games.