Roll Call 202

I ordered a 2.2 lb jar of Nutella. And huge like 5lb jar of peanut butter. I’m literally gonna be so happy when I come home from work tomorrow and it s here. It sounds stupid but It’s gonna be the highlight of my day. Nutella and pb go so well together. Just like a spoonful of each together is amazing and a cup of black coffee. I know that’s not healthy. But I’m craving it really badly.

Also I got some Lord of The Rings Magic the Gathering card decks, they were on sale for Black Friday. Me and my boyfriend play a lot of yugioh and MTG. Those come tomorrow too so that’s something else I’m excited about

Good morning. Heading to work in a few hours. Only slept 4 hours. Better than nothing I guess. It’s gonna be a long day. I won’t get home from work till around 4pm and I head there around 5:30am. I get to sleep in tomorrow if they don’t ask me to come in , I’m not scheduled to go in tomorrow but they might need me to come in since I took yesterday off , we’ll see. Anyway, after I get home I’m gonna practice violin then play some games and watch shows with my bf.

Otherwise I need to get back on 200mg of Thorazine cause I can’t sleep on 100mg, clearly. So I’m gonna call my doctor on Monday and have him refill the 200mg. In the meantime I’ll just take two 100mg tablets at night. I was gonna take two last night but I only took one because I was afraid I wouldn’t wake up on time. Is my body like addicted to it or something. It’s like I’m incapable of sleep without 200mg or more. Anything less than that and I don’t sleep at all for 40 hours at a time or I get 2-4 hours of light sleep at most. It doesn’t really matter what med it is it just seems I need a sedating AP at night otherwise sleep doesn’t happen. Nothing else helps, not klonopin, propranolol, I’ve taken sleep meds in the past like ambien and it never helped. Seroquel at 600mg worked good for sleep too but I switched to Thorazine because of the weight gain on the seroquel. Thorazine works good. But I have to take at least 200mg. Used to be on 400mg. But that was too much. 200mg seems to be the perfect amount for me.

Part of me wonders if I do actually have bipolar like I’m diagnosed as having. Technically my diagnosis is schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. But in addition to the history of BPD. I don’t technically meet the requirements for BPD (borderline) anymore. I’ve improved so much in that aspect that I my doctor didn’t think I needed to be diagnosed with it. Idk about the schizoaffective part though because I haven’t had delusions and severe paranoia in a long time. I used to be extremely paranoid and delusional at points. I’m still really impulsive though and have mood swings. And the sleep issues. I have hyper sexual phases. I spend a lot of money sometimes when I’m impulsive. I honestly don’t know what to make of it. I feel euphoric sometimes.

I’m doing good in my relationship, we’ve been together 8 months. And it’s been a really healthy relationship. I think the BPD aspect of myself honestly got better as I got older, I heard that it can kind of calm down as a person gets older . I’m 29 now. I am far from the person I was around the ages 12 to 25. It could also be part of the fact that the brain doesn’t develop fully till around 25. But I had an extremely chaotic and traumatic upbringing plus a family history of mental illness.

But I still have all the other issues. My meds help a lot, and when I go off them I don’t do well. Sleep is the first thing to go when I stop or lower my meds. The more I don’t sleep the more impulsive I get.

Dreading work today. About to go. I am trying to remind myself that it’s temporary but it’s hard running on 4 hours of sleep in over 48 hours. I feel like absolute garbage.

Just got home from work. ******* it was busy today. Non stop lines. I did recovery for part of the day then the rest of the day was cashiering. My manager was really happy with my recovery work today and how I reorganized all the wallets on the display racks. There were tons of them and it was a huge mess. And the winter hats aisle was a huge wreck too which I fixed all of and it put out tons of perfumes and colognes on the perfume/cologne racks. He gave me one of those appreciation cards that said thank you for a great job in recovery, basically they’re little cards you can get from managers that you put in this bowl and every now and then they draw a card from the bowl and the winner gets a $5 gift card.

Anyway, I feel sick. I have a bad cough, congestion and sore throat. It started not long after I got to work. I am also exhausted because I’ve only slept 4 hours in 48 hours. But thankfully I have tomorrow off and can sleep as much as I want

I am verrrry impatiently waiting for my peanut butter and nutella to be delivered

Got all meds refilled (Just need Invega pills tomorrow - Which I'll get), and tomorrow, I'll pick up the new iPhone from the mail, set it up...

I'll then have a day of packing, and then we drive to the island, to see my family, stay in a nice hotel to go storm watching, possibly surfing (With my sister) etc, driving all around the island.

It'll be good.

I realize that working 3x a week is actually good.. It gets me up early in the morning, and I'm more stable.. I just can't work 40 hours a week. But when I get back, I'll be working again (I have no problem with that, and destroyed economy etc - As long as I get to see/or talk to some people, instead of being so incredibly isolated in my room for months at a time).

My dad gets surgery in the morning. I drink poppy tea.

CAUGHT IN A BAD ROMANCE. Idkw but that stupid song keeps playing over and over and over and over in my head so loud for the past week and its driving me crazy.

Hope all goes well!



Work is a life saver for me. Takes the wondering mind off of things!



Idkw but it helps me to be robot-like sometimes when I start feeling life has no meaning.

Any book recommendations? I like scifi and learning as well.

It's nearly 2024 and too many earth humans are still snobbish and judgemental. Get over yourself. When is this planet going to be mostly old souls?

Heading to work in a couple minutes. Caught up on sleep. Slept 11 1/2 hours Saturday night, took an 1 1/2 hour nap yesterday afternoon, then slept 8 1/2 hours last night. So I’m feeling much better.

Also I’ve lost more weight. I’m down to 163 lbs. from 182 lbs. I haven’t changed a whole lot other than being a ton more physically active due to work. And I don’t binge eat or boredom eat as much since I’m busy a lot of the time.

I’ve also discovered I really enjoy apples. Especially green apples. They’re really good. But yeah I’m doing well. I have tomorrow and Thursday off. Tomorrow I have my volunteer shift with the cats

Plan on deep cleaning my apartment over the next couple days.

Hope your dad’s surgery goes well Desoxyn!

I am doing pretty well. Just going back and forth about my thesis still. I am almost certainly going to run out of time on that. But it is fine.

I like listening to podcasts on philosophy or audiobooks on the same, while browsing the internet.

I gave myself a reward for completing 20 minutes of work on my thesis today. Then I felt anxious for having done that. I don't know. I just think the thesis is not worth the effort. Though I would like the title. The degree I mean.

Just got home from work. Didn’t get a break. So that sucked. They asked me to come in on Wednesday to work on the sales floor, I was supposed to have Wednesday off, it’s because they have a visitor coming in aka probably corporate and need someone on the sales floor doing stuff probably so they don’t look bad so I agreed to go in from 10am to 2pm that day.

When I put my 2 week notice in here at my job once I get to 6 months, I’ll start applying for other jobs, most likely library and independent bookstore jobs , something a lot less stressful then a clothing store. I can do registers. I have retail experience now to put down. It will be so nice to scan books and not have to deal with hangers and folding and security tags and things not having price tags and layaways and absurdly long lines. will be so much calmer if I can get a job at one.

My new coat was delivered today. I gave my old coat to my elderly cat Maybelle. She lays in it all day, she loves it so I figured this works out since I needed a new warmer coat anyway she can have that one and sleep in it all day as long as she wants. I kept feeling bad/mean for having to take it from her every time I went out cause it was my only coat. Now it’s hers and she’s happy

Waiting on my bf to get off work so we can watch a couple episodes of Naruto.

I’m probably going back to college in the fall. I need to finish this job first though. Three more months then I’m out. I definitely can’t handle both this and college together at the same time

I have tomorrow off work. I get to volunteer with the kitties .

I worked for another 20 minutes on my thesis today. My reward: a cup of coffee.

My car didn't start this morning and I don't have any money spare for anything. Thought I was a goner for sure but my car insurance sent someone out and my battery just needed jumping. I haven't driven my car in 7 weeks because the grocery store is so close.

Besides that everything's okay. Still shaking. If something bad happens I'll have to go to the forest to fade away which is very frightening thought for me so I hope to make it. Soon hopefully I'll be making money with my business.

I love this thought haha. It doesn't bother me as much, after DPDR is gone - They just need to wake up. My fear is that they will continue to be this way until their deaths, and then I'm like "Stop it! *Spikes their drinks with wavy colour melty compounds*".

.

I'd only do that to the top most evil person in the world. Who wouldn't.. So. Cuz spiking is very wrong.. If someone gave me a 200mg THC edible? I'd die.. And my mom *definitely* would (Because she has multiple heart conditions). But the only homicidal thoughts I've had were about my moms ex, and I had them for many years. I tell psychiatrists, and they're like "Ok fair enough..".

I got an otterbox iPhone 13 case for my sister as part of her Christmas gifts. She said she needed a new case for her iPhone when I asked if there was anything she needed or wanted. So I got that, it’s a really good brand. I’ve used them before. It was on sale from $40 down to $20. They’re not cheap cases. But they’re worth it. I also got her a full sized yankee candle.

I’m gonna finish my Christmas shopping next Friday. The other gift I’m getting for my sister is aromatherapy lotion from bath and body works. For my niece I’m getting a yankee candle, an aromatherapy lotion from bath and body works, and a $25 Amazon gift card. I’m probably also gonna make something for them both like homemade dessert of some sort.

For my boyfriend I’m getting a videogame for his PS4, some new guitar strings, and new yugioh cards and sleeves.

I feel like I picked pretty good gifts for everyone this year. I might throw in two of those holiday mugs/cocoa sets at work I keep seeing displayed for my sister and niece. Then that’s it

Oh no wait, I still have to Christmas shop for my cats. I will get them some temptations treats, some of those squeezable treats, catnip and maybe a new toy. I’ll probably also buy some treats and a couple toys and blankets to donate to the cats at my volunteer job too.

Headed to work soon, I feel pretty good. I slept good. It’s cold today. 22 degrees Fahrenheit. Definitely glad I got that new coat with the big hood. I’m gonna be on the sales floor my whole shift today which I’m glad. It’s only a 4 hour shift today. Same thing tomorrow. Then I’m off Friday and have an appointment with my therapist Friday. And I get paid. So I’m gonna buy a few slices of pizza, a Jamaican beef patty and cheese cake at the pizza place across the street Friday morning.

My source of unhappiness is earth humans. I shouldn't care at all what they think of me. I know me, my thoughts, desires, plans. People don't know me at all.