[Vaiana]

TW: SA

I remember in a stressful time after coming back home from a trip of 6 months in French Caribbean I have started to obsess over a Japanese boys band, there was something off, I was wondering what was wrong(maybe I felt that even earlier I don't know), and I noticed like they were mocking me, criticizing me and so I watched more and more videos trying to understand what I did wrong and one day I saw something that looked like one of the member was touching a woman butt and that she was about to cry
After that I was like what should I do, I can't be silent so I went on the first site I found and then I said something like " I saw this member doing sexual harassment we should bully him to punish him" , I also said "why are you bullying me, what kind of ****** you think you messing with" and then I don't know after that I started to say this member did sexual harassment too and him too
I was having a lot of things coming in my head
I even talked about the woman sexual orientation
At some time I was like " I don't know tell me if it's true I think I have schizophrenia"
I don't know I was feeling different emotions at the same time and was overwelmed but I felt like I was a justiciary at the same time
I sent that, looked if I had an answer a few days after and then forgot about that for a while not looking at the group anymore
Several months later, I was like what this group is doing and started to watch them sometimes but I started to feel like they were seeing when I was watching their videos and started to use VPN and use an anonymous viewer for their Instagram stories
One day I was on a forum and someone started to talk about witches and other things and I thought they were talking about me remembering what I said about the boys band
I thought It was the boys band talking to me, and I started to feel guilty so I apologized and asked if they really did sexual assault (I DMed the person talking about witches)
The person answered and said she wasn't angry at me but everything they were saying I thought it was sarcastic
Besides, their username would display as Anonymous and I used that as name to write about the boys band so I thought it was did on purpose to show me disdain
After that some weird things happened, on Discord a profile picture glaring would duplicate (I felt like it was glaring at me, and felt uneasy), on YouTube every face would glare at me (I felt like it was because the boys band was angry at me), after I changed username on a site one of the boys band member wrote my new username on an Instagram story (I felt stalked everywhere, I felt like they were seeing everything I was doing on my computer)
I was hearing threatening voices everywhere I was going, I thought the boys band was threatening me and I started to feel constantly anxious, overwelmed
Finally, when I felt like I was about to breakdown I talked to my medic about the voices I was hearing and she told me that it's not normal, that I need to see a psychiatrist
So I took an appointement with a psychiatrist and since I have medication I almost don't have psychosis
But I still don't know if what happened with the boys band is real, and I started to feel hate towards Japanese people because the bullying was really bad
As someone that suffered of bullying almost all my life, it remembered me bad memories and I didn't have any break It was really torture

[Sometimes psychotic]

Originally Posted by Vaiana

TW: SA

I remember in a stressful time after coming back home from a trip of 6 months in French Caribbean I have started to obsess over a Japanese boys band, there was something off, I was wondering what was wrong(maybe I felt that even earlier I don't know), and I noticed like they were mocking me, criticizing me and so I watched more and more videos trying to understand what I did wrong and one day I saw something that looked like one of the member was touching a woman butt and that she was about to cry
After that I was like what should I do, I can't be silent so I went on the first site I found and then I said something like " I saw this member doing sexual harassment we should bully him to punish him" , I also said "why are you bullying me, what kind of ****** you think you messing with" and then I don't know after that I started to say this member did sexual harassment too and him too
I was having a lot of things coming in my head
I even talked about the woman sexual orientation
At some time I was like " I don't know tell me if it's true I think I have schizophrenia"
I don't know I was feeling different emotions at the same time and was overwelmed but I felt like I was a justiciary at the same time
I sent that, looked if I had an answer a few days after and then forgot about that for a while not looking at the group anymore
Several months later, I was like what this group is doing and started to watch them sometimes but I started to feel like they were seeing when I was watching their videos and started to use VPN and use an anonymous viewer for their Instagram stories
One day I was on a forum and someone started to talk about witches and other things and I thought they were talking about me remembering what I said about the boys band
I thought It was the boys band talking to me, and I started to feel guilty so I apologized and asked if they really did sexual assault (I DMed the person talking about witches)
The person answered and said she wasn't angry at me but everything they were saying I thought it was sarcastic
Besides, their username would display as Anonymous and I used that as name to write about the boys band so I thought it was did on purpose to show me disdain
After that some weird things happened, on Discord a profile picture glaring would duplicate (I felt like it was glaring at me, and felt uneasy), on YouTube every face would glare at me (I felt like it was because the boys band was angry at me), after I changed username on a site one of the boys band member wrote my new username on an Instagram story (I felt stalked everywhere, I felt like they were seeing everything I was doing on my computer)
I was hearing threatening voices everywhere I was going, I thought the boys band was threatening me and I started to feel constantly anxious, overwelmed
Finally, when I felt like I was about to breakdown I talked to my medic about the voices I was hearing and she told me that it's not normal, that I need to see a psychiatrist
So I took an appointement with a psychiatrist and since I have medication I almost don't have psychosis
But I still don't know if what happened with the boys band is real, and I started to feel hate towards Japanese people because the bullying was really bad
As someone that suffered of bullying almost all my life, it remembered me bad memories and I didn't have any break It was really torture

Almost everything you’ve mentioned sounds like psychosis…you’ll be able to separate it after a while on meds but until then it will seem almost more real than anything else.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Vaiana]

So after a while I will know if what happened with the boys band is psychosis ? @Sometimes psychotic
It's weird because it's more than one year since I take medication and it still feels real

[Sometimes psychotic]

Originally Posted by Vaiana

So after a while I will know if what happened with the boys band is psychosis ? @Sometimes psychotic
It's weird because it's more than one year since I take medication and it still feels real

It definitely sounds like psychosis to me…and I don’t know why but psychosis tends to seem more real than reality sometimes. It’s like it imprints on your brain.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Vaiana]

Ok, thank you for your answer @Sometimes psychotic