Roll Call 203

Had a good therapy appointment. We talked about radical acceptance and also ironic rebound. Ironic rebound is when you’re having thoughts/feelings that you try to ignore or block out, they come back stronger. There’s studies on that. Anyway, so I’m gonna be working on radical acceptance and also exposing myself to things that make me paranoid. Like one of the situations I can’t stand is sitting in silence cause then I start getting paranoid about noises and about my meds poisoning me etc and my thoughts spiral so I’m constantly blocking out the world with my headphones and distractions. So I’m gonna have to work on exposing myself to small doses of silence over time kind of like exposure therapy till it gets easier.

We talked about the THC vaping use. She was telling me about how scary things are on the drug scene now due to fentanyl being cut in with so many things and another thing also that’s out there being put in stuff that’s dangerous. . And just the general risk of having a psychotic episode from weed since I have schizoaffective disorder.

So I’m gonna stop vaping THC and get my payee paperwork signed by my psychiatrist next month to become my own payee. He told me to stop using THC and if I did he’d sign them next month at our appointment

Got a few things to look forward to this week. Tomorrow I’m getting my flu and Covid vaccines finally so getting that taken care of. I meant to do it last week but I wasn’t feeling good. Wednesday I’m going to a nutrition class with a nutritionist here. She comes and cooks a healthy meal for everyone to try and we discuss nutrition and eating habits. Thursday I’m going to a wreath making event and Friday is the thanksgiving potluck. These are all events in my buildings community room.

So I’m getting excited about all that. Plus Wednesday I’m going to the food pantry.

I’ve been getting into art more and trying to be less terrible towards myself about the quality of my art. So I’m trying to stop hating myself for my stuff being not great. I watch a guy on YouTube his channel is called Sketchbook Skool, he has a lot of really good insightful stuff about what art really is and how to get over your perfectionism and fear of starting and to just enjoy the process of it and that anybody can be creative and it’s meant to be enjoyed.

I have a violin lesson on Saturday. After that I’m probably taking a break from violin lessons until January because I need to buy Christmas gifts.

I’m really getting frustrated with violin right now. I can’t seem to get myself to practice consistently and it’s severely stalling my progress. I love playing I just procrastinate too much. And I hate how I play when I do play and record videos. Same with art. I hate most of my art. I feel like all I do sucks and that I’m not getting anywhere with it all. Idk if it’s pointless or what

Hey all! I'm in the psych ward. Lol.

They flew me here on a medical plane.

I was chronically smoking too much THC, and using other things.

I'm better now - I went through withdrawal last Friday, and was hyper ventilating, crying uncontrollably (For hours), felt hot, sweaty, with chills... Suicidal thoughts, headache, mental pain, etc...

I read a text from my mom triggering me, and I pushed my bedside table across the room...

The nurses let me sit in the lunch room, beside a steel door - I put my back towards it, and meditated... Crying really hard .. Feeling the cold from the outside.

They took away the stimulant (100mg of dextroamphetamine a day) cold turkey...

All of my drugs at home are flushed (Cuz my sister and mom were concerned before I went), it was just a matter of time...

I'm doing better now - Doing therapy and exercise again etc.. I plan to not use drugs when I get out - I don't crave anything.. But I really should become a neuropsychopharmacologist or some form of that, pharmacy etc....

The therapy is really good for me. I've been really confused and can't distinguish between anything from anything... I'll be fine..

1M died from the Ukraine war - It bothers me.. But we're infinite fractal prism crystals, and we will all die one day... For now we live, as awareness of eternity - Never the same, with love.... And towards freedom - No matter what part of the simulation we are currently situated in... And if asleep, hope for miracle to wake up, and go to enlightened heavens, where we belong... But to enjoy the now, as it's all we have. And be ourselves, authentically - Instead of running away from the self, through various distractions - To be mindful.. Present. To surrender, allow, do the next right thing.... Find meaning, soul purpose...

But if we're too tired, we're too tired.. Agony is being pushed when too tired (IMO) - You get up and try again - It's the laws of physics.. You build tolerance to pain... And then you can do great things (In comparison to souls that are tempted by evil).