[Kendyll]

They tell me that "ideas of reference" mean that I think I'm responsible for something I'm not. Is that about right?

My uncle is dying and it's all my fault. When my Sponsor told me to pray for the people I hated, all I could get out was to pray that he got everything he deserved. Then he got bone cancer and now he's dying. My fault.

I shouldn't ever joke about bad things happening because then they DO happen. I told the guys that they couldn't have a bonfire party at A's house because his mom would have a heart attack. And she DID! She had a heart attack and died that night!
B had tied our stuff into the back of the station wagon and the ropes had made a pentagram, so I was joking that we'd crash and burn on the way home. And it happened - the steering went out and we crashed the car and it caught on fire.
There's lots of bad thing I talk about and then they happen.

But it's only the bad stuff. Never the good stuff. I've tried joking about winning the lottery, but it didn't work.

I didn't mean to make my uncle get cancer. We just never got along. He was some kind of conservative christian and he KNEW I was going to hell and he reminded me of it just about every time I saw him. Even after I got sober he'd tell everybody that I was just a worthless hungover drunk. It was just SO HARD to pray good things for him, so I thought I'd found a good compromise. But I was wrong...

What do you guys do to stop influencing the world around you? I just don't think I can have happy thoughts all the time. So I hope you guys know something else I could do so I don't hurt anyone else. Thanx.

I believe most sane, sensible people in their considered view would say of the occasions you mentioned that your thinking did not cause the events.

I view "ideas of reference" as seeing uniquely personal meanings in exterior events.

If you work hard by learning and thinking you may help yourself. Have hope.