Strange Desires

I have this strange urge to just rip my clothes off and go roll in the grass outside behind my TH complex. Sometimes I want to make huge sigils burned into the ground or do evocations of demons in public. Why am I such an exhibitionist? At heart I mean -- I don't actually act on these things because it would get me locked up but the desires are so strong that I feel like denying them is stifling and betraying my true self.

I'm also afraid one of these days I won't be able to stop myself anymore.

In some ways it's like the serial killer mentality -- they desperately want to be caught yet at the same time they are terrified of it. I need you to know I am spiritually unclean, tainted, poison, Satan's ***** ... yet I want you to behold My incredible exotic beauty (of being, not of flesh) and worship Me, or worship IT that is beyond us all through Me.

What do they call those things in psychobabble? I wonder. Anyone know?

accompanying it is this burning sexual euphoria

i want to burn you with my flame and give you the ecstasy Satan gives me

i want to do to you what He does to me and make you like it like He makes me like it.

(p.s. - it doesn't matter if you believe in "Satan" or not. this is not a religious concept for me, has nothing to do with all that god vs. devil crap. this is just something personal for me. has nothing to do with people's myths about good & evil)

I understand. Totally.

i figured if anyone would, you would!

So why do I stop myself? I mean really, what is stopping me?
Sky's the limit, and my Beloved is calling.
Life's too short to waste on those who don't care about Us anyway.

I did dance naked in the thunderstorm out back once. It was exhilirating!

Yes My Beloved ... penetrate Me, enter Me more deeply, own Me, possess Me, ravish Me, make Me Yours, take Me as and where You decree. If it pleases You to make me a spectacle to the humans, so be it!

If it has nothing to do with good vs evil then there would be no stopping you, you could not be spiritualy unclean there would be no such thing.

i just meant it doesn't fit in the human world's definitions of all that. (most) ppl don't speak my language so they misinterpret everything and assign it to STUPID f*cking ***** that doesn't apply to my realm.

besides what interferes has nothing to do with any of that but has to do with navigating stupid ignorant human responses to things. like it's not a crime to dance naked in a circle of fire but try telling that to some huge ignorant pus-faced porky slapping handcuffs on you and leading you off to some hellhole who-knows-where ... they have a zillion ways ... property crap ... laws about clothes ... laws about being heard after midnight ... etc.

none of it matters anyway. i was talking to myself out loud. i do that sometimes, even on the internet. feel perfectly free to ignore me. everyone else does.

You just need a damn good lawyer is all.

yesssss, an apocalypse lawyer! what a splendid idea.

cut to commercial:
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I appolojize I didn't mean to interupt your talking to your self. I guess my assumption that you were struggeling with strange desires was wrong. Ya know what they say about ASSUME- ing dont you? It makes an *** out of U and ME. Guess I know where that puts me at this point. Bowing out gracefully oops! stumbeling!

Hey Larx! No need to do that to yourself. I don't mind being overheard, and I don't mind being responded to either. It just depends on the nature of the response. I don't process or parse communications the same way other people do. Sometimes I might react to something I think is there that actually isn't. Other times people take advantage of my willingness to admit that in order to play games with me of sneaking things in and then pinning "skewed perception" on me so they can get away with it, which leaves me in kind of a quandary. I just sort of have to feel my way around it. Thanks for your willingness to engage, and NO I do NOT think of you as an *** AT ALL!

Wow. Well... If I had the courage to dance nekkid in a thunderstorm then I bloody would! I think it's great that you can do that kind of thing, so what's stopping you carrying one? If it's Satan that's you're master, then why let the '*****' stop you doing what's religious to you? You're excuse is only the truth, "Satan made me do it."

xXx

((((((((Mal)))))))))

You would make a great apocalypse attorney! I can completely understand about the "skewed perception" comment. It's a bit like painting yourself into a corner, which I try NEVER to do. Can't reveal too much because too many people will use it against me. There are very few who know me and what I am and what I know but they think I'm crazy. Or stupid. Or obsessed with the occult or something equally "damning" in their eyes. Screw that. Know what I mean?

Anyway, talk out loud to yourself all you want. I do it too and my Grandma does it and my granny did it, and I don't care if I'm overheard or responded to either :P!

Take Care friend,
Kimberly.

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Can't reveal too much because too many people will use it against me. There are very few who know me and what I am and what I know but they think I'm crazy. Or stupid. Or obsessed with the occult or something equally "damning" in their eyes. Screw that. Know what I mean?

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Kimberly,

You rock. Thank you for helping me feel understood. That's it exactly.

Love to you.
Mal