I had hope...

I hoped starting college would be good for me. I was actually excited and anxious about it. I've been depressed over the summer with tons of boredom. I was looking forward to having a distraction, as I haven't had one for most of the summer (there was my bf, but that went to crap obviously). School always provided a distraction for me. And things are actually OK. The school isn't a problem, I suppose my professors are OK, too (except maybe my math class. I feel like I'm in remedial, and I'm very much not...).

I truly and honestly hate college, though. It's only made me worse.

I can't come up with any other reason as to why I'm completely drained after class, why I'm more depressed than I've ever normally been in high school (except that one time I was in a serious quandary, no idea what was wrong with me), and why I have no motivation to do any work I don't actually have to hand in.

I haven't read my psych text, though I tried at one point and didn't get too far because I thought it was just too boring (compared to high school, it was boring but I still managed to read it.) I've only done my English assignments since they're collected and graded.

I don't mind most my classes. I can sit and enjoy the lecture or discussion (except math...) in some way, although I still have no interest in going to my classes. I get somewhat irritated by the time frame of the classes, or that I'm surrounded by people I don't know and will probably never know. I'm irritated by the work (my "textbook" for English is a series of essays and articles on Human-Animal Studies and the topic bores me to death) and have no interest in doing any of it.

It's not even a case of being lazy. I've been lazy quite often. It just causes me to procrastinate, not to just ignore work.

Don't get me wrong, I understand the worth of an education (to an extent, anyway), but I still feel like there's no point in me doing this all.

So I'm sort of stuck as to what I should do. The only thing that makes me go to class everyday is the fact my mother paid for me to go as of now, and I need to pass for federal and state financial aid to pay. If I don't pass, she won't get her money back from the state, and she'll have to pay my entire tuition.

I'd much rather stop waking up between 4 and 5 in the morning (or 2, or 3, since I sleep all afternoon most days) and curl up in a ball and sleep the day away.

Is there honestly anything I can do? I've tried changing how I think about things, but I know I'm lying to myself in regard to how perceive things, so I flow right back into hating things and being irritable. I'm tired of even looking depressed, it's worrying someone important to me.

Goodness, Angel. You do sound miserable. Does your school have a counseling program? I'd encourage you to stick your head in the door and talk to someone......Man, and you find psychology boring...I used to be a psychology professor! Okay?

Thanks for the advice. I know there is counseling here, but not sure for what exactly. I'm more afraid of bawling my eyes out like a baby than going there and finding out they only have counseling for indecisiveness in majors.

I don't find psychology itself boring. It's more the textbook. I find textbooks very taxing on my brain cells. It's hard for me to retain any information from reading expressionless words on a page. I'd much rather learn from my professor during lectures and a textbook.

I think one has to be self-directed to get much benefit out of what one does. I know I barely got through college in the 60's and 70's, graduated with a 2.000000023 GPA and it wasn't until I was nearly 50 that I figured it out and started on a second degree (and then grad school) getting a 4.0 in my major instead!

You have to figure out what you want, not what's "expected" or would be nice, etc. I'd take this semester to get the grades/do the work for your mother's money sake (and so you can return easily if you decide to) and then try something else that you will have worked on finding this next 3-4 months?

Check out this book; I love it for how it helped me: http://wishcraft.com/

You're welcome. I think the schools do have counselors for personal problems as well as for guidance about courses, etc. But I don't know anything about your particular school. I just think you do need to talk to somebody. I'm concerned about your depression...

I was sort of kidding about the psychology. I know that there are some people (weird, though they may be--hah!) who just don't get into psychology. Yes, some texts can be dry and unengaging. I'm sorry to hear that your psych text is that way.

I agree that you might want to try stepping back a bit after this term to see what is happening with you. Like, is it the school you're going to, are you just not "into" school right now and maybe need to work a while--or what? I do think we do young adults a disservice by expecting them to always go right from high school to college. Some folks just need a break from the school environment for awhile! (Let's hope your mom understands, if you decide to try this route...)

Please keep us updated! We care!