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#1
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ooooo
Here we go i can`t take All this **** hardly awake I feel so crazy - fun and funny and high and....suddenly start to cry I realize how job and studies and the other thing and traveling between the cities is slowly making me insane. Seriously. You see - last year i was trying to do something. I was trying to make enough money and F off of here. Of this country. To disappear. Of course - i did not have the courage, the energies, the determination and maybe the true deep desire to do so...I failed all my plans. I discovered that on the level of the INTELLECT - i am really much more of a scientist than a creative person. My creativity is in things like choreography and music. So i left the subject i have been trying to succeed and failing and rarely succeeding for 6 years. I have tried so hard! I wrecked my nerves. I investigated deep into myself to find PTSD which i was completely unaware of. I found out real danger...that might have nothing to do with college but had a major influence on my grades...and my ability to study - not to mention - to FUNCTION AT ALL. Anyways - you know - now it is pretty much of the same.this happy and i feel good. T kind of pushed me to start working this summer and to start studying this fall. So after 5 years of humiliating failure, endless self search, spiritual progression - to realize that - graphic design is just not for me - i was never ever AWARE of how i never dreamed to be a graphic designer but my surrounding encouraged it more than psychology - I went to work in a super market - being 26 year old...after studying those 5 years - and not making it b/c of all the anxiety and Trauma and crap. I felt like crap being around all those aggressive superficial people who were better at all that crap than me...I "saved myself" from there after 2 months - went to a bookstore but got fired after a month without any warning. got really depressed and searched for a new job. I found but meanwhile semester began and since i was all depressed and angry and my self esteem issues got so triggered again. I was so distracted. Anyways now i have been on and off studying real hard and realizing i might not really make it through this semester without my tutors knowing whats going on with me...all the ADD and PTSD and Anxiety...i have just terror to sit down and study and GUILT for not doing it before.... T insisted and convinced that i study this now this semester. He would give me homework every time....to call there and here and to find where. ok. I got on it back then but i couldn`t really get INTO this. Well - this year i do like much more than the previous one. I do feel safe having a routine and ambitions and connection with other human beings. I love T and he does help me a lot. However - i feel i can no more take the pressure of having to get up at 04:30 AM to work, then to studies - then having only 3.5 days to sit and study the online courses i took which are the main ones. Never really having TRUE time to breath and relax into myself without GUILT fear horror trying so hard working so hard on myself not to slide not to lead astray. To stay focused on those studies. Having so much guilt and fear and love for the same subject - STUDIES. I am so tired of this mess. T thought i was doing good. WTF I am SOOO way behind. And i am too tired mentally to even care. |
![]() gimmeice, hahalebou, roads
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![]() roads
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#2
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You sound seriously overwhelmed & overworked! Even as young as you are, ladymacbethadmunsen, I don't know how much longer you can expect to pull it off. I'm unclear, are you continuing in graphic arts or have you switched to psychology? To continue in a field you've decided you're not a fit for would heap so much more stress upon you ...
Please find a way to fulfill your basic biological needs for sound sleep & nutritious food. Is your T asking about these things too? ![]()
__________________
roads & Charlie |
![]() Irine
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#3
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Thanks a lot roundrun and gimmi for the hugs. Really needed them yesterday.
Now I study - i don`t know how it is in English - the dictionary gives me the word "bookkeeping". This for me to work somewhere normal and according to my logical abilities - not in a coffee. its a course a year and a half. But for self-fulfillment, self-realization - i study - (and this is what he insisted on)- Economics. Psychology i took because it has been my dream of life. Like from the age of....13....14..15 and on....i have been reading books about it and even almost bought the school books.... Yes - T tells me to take care of myself. He also told me "I want to study but not to kill yourself on it." And was kind of....not really but lets say a little disturbed, nervous and insistent when i once told him i didn`t sleep a night. He said that I MUST have at least 6 hours of sleep "Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal." This is SO TRUE! Thank you very much for your warm reply. It seems that yesterday i was still influenced by what happened in my previous college. Its a place i have never really belonged. So what happened there was supposed to happen - to reveal what was wrong with me - to ever go THERE in the first place! Last edited by Irine; Jan 02, 2012 at 05:04 AM. |
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