School sucks...and eventually you realize painful but important things

yeah you learn that people have scary feelings and that it's not all genetic although I had thought that for a long time but things are still painful you know?

And, as I often had, you end up not being able to handle things and just listening to the same audiobook that you practically have every word of memorized because its calming to know all the words for some reason.

And then you never study for anything because you want to lie in bed all day and you feel all these magical feelings of normalcy and they screw you over in the end.

And you end up cutting your damned arms and you feel like a little bastard for doing so because you were to much of a wimp to really cut yourself deeply and the blade hurt and you stopped and YOU FEEL LIKE YOU WERE JUST DOING IT FOR ATTENTION....

...although it was a bit of a rush.

Thanks for letting me vent

Hi Brontoset! We also have a self-injury forum if you want to discuss that issue in more depth. Yeah, I'd agree that school can really suck at times.

I understand that you're suffering a lot, but look at some of these things you've mentioned. Really, many are quite positive:

Your illness isn't genetic. That means that it's possible to gain control over it. It isn't something you're forced to live with for your entire life.

You feel like you were cutting yourself for attention. Well that's a really important epiphany! Attention is a very human need, and you should never feel guilty about needing, wanting, and seeking it. Now that you realize why you were cutting yourself, you can seek attention in a way that isn't self-destructive.

As for school, yeah it sucks. And it's combined with all the pain of growing up. It's something you just have to get through with as little damage to your psyche as possible. Look for others who make being there feel good, and don't worry about normalcy. Worry about happiness.

All these things are easier said than done of course, but for what it's worth, I wish you luck, happiness, peace, and lots and lots of strength.

I'm sorry you're suffering right now. To echo what Morghana says, there isn't always something wrong with wanting attention, you are angry at yourself because you subconsciously know you want attention, for someone to recognise your pain and help you. Just to pick your brains a bit, are you hoping that somebody may notice? Perhaps a teacher at school, a friend, maybe your parents?

When I was in Year 11 at school aged 16, I started self-harming (stopped in February 2011), mostly I didn't do it for attention (I NEVER wanted people like my parents to find out or non-close friends or other teachers), but I started cutting myself in school to try and get the attention of this teacher I liked because I had imagined she could help me.. she was my old RS teacher in Year 8 and had known a lot about things like suicide and stuff in life. Once I cut myself too deep in my hand and I actually caught her attention by accident and was marched to the medical room in reception to get stitched up, i wouldn't answer why I did it. As it comes across she didn't think she could help me, she reported it to my head of year who (attempted to) have me referred to CAMHS. I felt really ashamed and embarrassed of cutting myself to get her attention, but the point of the story is I guess is that it's a subconscious cry for help sometimes I'd like to think with 3 years of retrospect that I'd have actually went and talked to her rather than did that. Sometimes it's hard to find that voice.

As for school, well I echo the sentiments, but unfortunately I've found the real world just as daunting, just without the structure and meaningfulness, but I'm not a good example, since I'm unemployed atm.. I hope that you sort your problems out. I'm not sure what advice to give exactly since I've been in a similar situation (possibly).