dropping out

it was in my five year plan to go back to school and get my masters degree. I really wanted a masters degree because I work professionally and get called to testify on the witness stand for work I do and thought it would look better if I had a masters. I really had no intention of doing anything else with it than for personal satisfaction. well on the spur of the moment, I enrolled in the masters program this year, way sooner than my five year plan, but my GRE scores expired this year and I didn't want to take them again, so I thought what the hell. my original plan was online school but now I am going to the local university. I thought classes would be like they were before, all on one day, back to back, but they are two days a week taking me away from my prime working hours at work. although I have gone in early to make up the hours I miss, my boss cut me back a day a week because I am going to school. I have panic disorder with agoraphobia. any change to my routine in extremely unsettling. school has been very difficult for me. I have taken more klonopin just to be there than I have in the last three years. I have lost a whole dress size due to the stress. work exhausts me. im not sleeping well, waking up all night long. im constantly worrying about the program and how am I going to handle it. what is worse is that I have to do an internship which will be two days a week on top of a class and how will I afford to live when my hours are cut back to 2 1/2 days per week. my boss will cut me back again instead of letting me find ways to make up the time and then I will not have a job to come back to. my security is threatened. I just cant see worrying about this for the next four years. I literally flee the campus after class right now. I have almost got into accidents twice and hit pedestrians in the crosswalk by being so anxious trying to get out of there. so I figure the best thing to do is drop out. I just hate that I am letting my anxiety run my life. I always try to push through it for the big stuff and I feel like I am letting it win. how can I see it another way?

kaliope, I know how frustrating grad school can be. It does sound like you are under too much stress. Is there any way you can slow things down, such as take fewer courses per semester?

I am already stretching the two year program into five years, so no, I cant take it slower.....I thought I would be able to do it because I was stretching it out as long as I am, but even today, I am finding it extremely difficult to face going to class even. I am filled with dread. I just want it to end.

Okay, I understand. You have given it a great try, so be proud of yourself!