[CherryBerry9339]

So um, I'm in my second last year of high school and honestly it could not be going any worse. The actual school issues I'm having are effected by social and life issues mostly. I guess I'll kinda explain what's going on.
Last year (grade 10) the teachers had extremely high expectations of me. Expected me to be this incredibly bright person who has life sorted out. I was literally the only person with these certain standards. They seemed to hold me to a much higher degree..More critical with marking..More pushy with being better. When I got a 72% on a unit in english the teacher told me that I had disappointed her and was really critical. I'm critical of myself, my mum's critical because she wants the best for me..The teachers I even had the year before were critical. It was difficult to deal with when people criticize you for the best you can do, and don't even acknowledge when you do well. Even when I got a 94% in a unit the teachers were all like "Eh, it's okay." They just had these insane standards and expectations of me that no one else had..When I was struggling in stuff and expressed it and asked for help half the time they would cut me down for it, or would brush it off and say "You're smart I'm sure you can figure it out." Then they'd turn and help someone else with the same thing. As I mentioned before they had this thing where they assumed I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I had mentioned to a couple teaching might be something to LOOK INTO because I respected the profession, like helping people, and I want to be a supporter of young people. They took that and assumed I had already decided on it. Before I could really clear it up it was already spread around practically the entire school and it was like I couldn't back out. There was one whom I talked to, who could tell I wasn't 100% and told me to forget about what everyone thought/said and just listen to my heart for once. So during the summer I did. I had a thing that I would genuinely enjoy, and could see myself doing. At the beginning of this year we had these interviews to pick out courses and stuff and the teacher asked if I still wanted to be a teacher. My mum and I kind of exchanged glances before I said no and told her what I had been considering. The teacher started being really rude, cutting me down for my choice, making me feel genuinely horrible and guilty for something that felt so right..I could tell it wasn't going to be a good year. The first two weeks there was literally no where for me to sit and do my school work. So I went to the little common room thing we have where people go on breaks and for lunch. I sat and did my work quietly..Then got kicked out of the school, MORE THEN ONCE. There were NO empty seats. So many people (teachers and now students alike) still have these expectations and standards for me and it's so hard. I'm honestly always sad and stressed out that it's near impossible to do any work. It's over a month into the school year and I've handed NOTHING IN.
I feel so empty in life. I want friends who accept me for who I am, friends whom I actually have a healthy relationship with. I want to be able to enjoy my hobbies, my interests. I want to actually do things. I just want to be able to enjoy life again. This added with the pressure by people is too much for me to handle right now and I don't know how to cope.
I've been trying to set up times to meet with the counselor at school. I was hoping to it just me more like a drop in, because some days are really worse than others. Some days I don't go to school because I can't stand to be there. I never know when I'm going to feel worse, so it's hard to plan on that. The counselor wants us to meet once each week to talk and I don't know if I can do that. I've never been diagnosed with anything (never been to someone who CAN diagnose mental disorders) apart from panic attacks which I have pills for (happens rarely) and the first thing she said when I had mentioned it's hard to cope with the stress, sadness and emptiness was "Do you have depression?" How would I know? I'm not going to diagnose myself. All I can say is that for years I've been like this. Last year was an okay year, and now it's back down. I just don't really know what to do about any of this. Some days I care, some days I don't. Well, more of the "There's no point in trying, nothing's going to change, what's the point", kind of feeling. Life generally is just not going right for me, and school's the worst part. Every passing day it gets harder and harder to be there..

[ArtsieLady]

Hi CherryBerry,

I really relate to all of what you are going through. I know all too well how it feels to have issues and anxiety with school. I had school anxiety from kindergarten on. I really encourage you to keep trying to reach out, and perhaps contacting your family doctor to see what they can do to help. If you ever want to talk, feel free to message me, as I would be glad to listen.

[hvert]

I'm so sorry this year is starting off so badly. I really hope something changes for the better - if you could get in to see someone at the school who could take an interest in these problems it really could make a huge difference. Is there any teacher at all who seems sympathetic? Would you feel comfortable writing a letter to your teachers, sort of like what you wrote here? It sounds like part of the problem is that your school is overcrowded and maybe the teachers have too many students, which is really not good for those students who are deemed capable of getting along on their own.

Thankfully, high school is temporary. I also really did not like it for a variety of reasons and combined my last two years into one to escape it early. Other people I know switched to the vocational program which was kind of like an alternative high school. I am not sure if either of those options are available to you or if there is some other school/school alternative in your area.

I can't even tell you how much better life got for me after high school, and then again when I moved into my own place. It's awful while you are there, but the end is in sight.

[CherryBerry9339]

Originally Posted by ArtsieLady

Hi CherryBerry,

I really relate to all of what you are going through. I know all too well how it feels to have issues and anxiety with school. I had school anxiety from kindergarten on. I really encourage you to keep trying to reach out, and perhaps contacting your family doctor to see what they can do to help. If you ever want to talk, feel free to message me, as I would be glad to listen.

Thank you so much for the kind words, understanding, and advice. It really means a lot to me.

[CherryBerry9339]

Originally Posted by hvert

I'm so sorry this year is starting off so badly. I really hope something changes for the better - if you could get in to see someone at the school who could take an interest in these problems it really could make a huge difference. Is there any teacher at all who seems sympathetic? Would you feel comfortable writing a letter to your teachers, sort of like what you wrote here? It sounds like part of the problem is that your school is overcrowded and maybe the teachers have too many students, which is really not good for those students who are deemed capable of getting along on their own.

Thankfully, high school is temporary. I also really did not like it for a variety of reasons and combined my last two years into one to escape it early. Other people I know switched to the vocational program which was kind of like an alternative high school. I am not sure if either of those options are available to you or if there is some other school/school alternative in your area.

I can't even tell you how much better life got for me after high school, and then again when I moved into my own place. It's awful while you are there, but the end is in sight.

For starters, thank you for the kind words, they really mean a lot. So far I'm still making plans to start meeting with the school counselor, however I'm not typically fully comfortable around her so I'm unsure of that right now. You actually reminded me of one teacher I had a couple years ago, so I may speak to him to get some help/advise on the matter.
I believe you're correct, part of the issue would be the increase in students. Last year there was rarely a full class (not even 30 students), and now there's a drastic increase. Somehow we have over 600 enrolled, whereas last year we didn't even have half that amount. I'm actually currently enrolled in a school that would be considered alternative, an "Outreach" program. There's only two other high schools in my area (one being religious, and the other being a traditional school with over 800 students) sadly.

[Serzen]

I'm sorry you're having a bad time.

School is *****. The good news is that it ends.

Your sadness is transient, too. Just hang in there.