[Tfiswrongwithme]

I know the title is desperate, and I normally wouldn't write like that but I'm writing my stream of consciousness because I can't trust myself to not filter my words so that you can see how I think because I want to n ow what the hell is wrong with me.

Im a 20 yr old Asian male and I'm so so tired of life. I just want to be who I expect me to be. Who my family and friends expect me to be. But better. I want to prove to them and myself they are wrong for losing faith in me, that they were wrong to ever doubt my ability. That they will one day be able to rest easily because I have taken what they have given me to make something great of my self.

The problem is with every attempt to fix me, It just proves that maybe I'm ****.

I should tell you what I think is wrong with me. It might be that I always think that there's something wrong with me, because of there isnt it just means I'm another one of the vast majority of people born into this earth who waste the gift of life by seeking pleasure and not doing much more. I need to be better. I wasn't a fat lose for my entire life for me to end up as one of those people. There has to be a light at the end of this ****** tunnel, bit with every passing failed attempt to make myself better, I know it's more likely that I am shot.

Last semester, during my second semester of sophomore year, I gave up on life. Or so I like to say. I'm not sure if me saying i gave up on life is accurate or just something I tell myself to avoid the truth: that I'm simply lazy and needed to find a way to stop working.

Either way, I with withdrew from the college with plan on really really fixing myself once and for all. To finally quit ******* smoking weed and spending all my time in ways that distract myself from the reality that I should be working towards achieving my goals. Well I had no plan, I just ended up doing nothing and hating myself even more. If this drastic change isn't gonna fix me what was? And so I went to a psychiatrist who never said for sure what I had and he seemed to be at least considering the fact that my entire struggle was just one big cry for attention as I suggested to him.

He gave me Lamictal a mood stabilizer but it didn't do anything g noticeable. Maybe I didn't hate myself as much and as frequently for being such a lazy **** but : : :I ended up stopping after I found adderall. I felt like this is what I should be: clear headed, confident, fast, sociable, literally everything I wanted to be but had been unable to achieve due to my laziness. I felt like I could accomplish everything. Adn so I took it regularly, like once every few days, hoping that I could spend it productively on developing habits to better myself. Evenually, the effects faded and I went back to college, having accomplished nothing.

I went back to college with guarded optimism about my future. Maybe I just needed a break and the pressures of college would whip me into shape. Nope. I started falling apart agaon, reverting back my sad, lonely, desperate, hopeless fatso who binged on junk food and played video games allllll day to distract my self from my weakness, my complete lack of discipline or even motivation to follow though on any attempt to improve my life.

After a few weeks of slowly backsliding into those habits, I was reaching my breaking point again and knew I needed to start getting 100s on everything to get the straight as my parents and i expected of me since high school. So I bought modafinil and I e been using it nearly every day. I feel so focused and when I'm in the zone I feel like I can study and study like I'm supposed to be studying. I've always felt that I can get good grades, I just didn't have the energy or discipline.

Now, im still taking the drug and I find myself reverti b yet again. I still waste too much time on porn and videos even after smashing my laptop. I still smoke too many cigarettes because I tell myself they make me feel good, even though I'm pretty sure I've developed acute bronchitis from the stress, lack of sleep, and poor nutrition (I've been trying to crash diet again)

Tldr: why am I a lazy sack of shot. Am I just an attenton seeking little *****? Is there something wrong with my braon? I know drugs should be the problem but without any I feel hopeless and hate myself even more than normal. I'm also a perfectionist, I like to do things all or nothing. And I take pride in hiding my emotions and bei cm able to control myself. I know this is just a big jumbled mess of words, but I'm so so so tired of ****o ng life and I want to know how to make it better. If Im just a lazy attention seeking ***** how do I change thay? If I need to stop the drugs how do I get the energy and motivation to do what I feel like I need to be doing? I'm so tired of being a loser. Please tell me what I need to do to be the handsome, successful, likable guy I want to be. PleaSr help.

[lowinmood]

I read every single word of this, and you are probably not that different to thousands of other young people going through college.

Okay you like weed, and you already know it's not that good for you, but you enjoy it, and you know weed makes you not want to do anything.

Taking weed doesn't make you a bad person, and it doesn't mean that your entire persona is of a lazy person, but it's true that weed can make you be lazy.

What are you studying at college? Do you enjoy the course? or is it a course you are forcing yourself to be on? For a lot of people when they do the course that isn't right for them, it becomes harder to study for because they don't feel passionate about it, perhaps you're going in the wrong direction with the subjects you have chosen to do.

I don't think you are the problem, I think you have a problem with the way you see yourself and the fact that you hate yourself, the way you speak of yourself is like a bully, I suggest you start trying to recognise when you are speaking about yourself in a negative way and try change this, and perhaps your outlook on your life, your self-esteem will start to improve.

I have learnt that self-esteem doesn't always come from outside of us, from other people, it has to come from us first, we have to validate ourselves, love ourselves, and that means changing the way we speak to ourselves and view ourselves, changing our internal dialogue.

[StormieKnight]

Originally Posted by Tfiswrongwithme

I know the title is desperate, and I normally wouldn't write like that but I'm writing my stream of consciousness because I can't trust myself to not filter my words so that you can see how I think because I want to n ow what the hell is wrong with me.

Im a 20 yr old Asian male and I'm so so tired of life. I just want to be who I expect me to be. Who my family and friends expect me to be. But better. I want to prove to them and myself they are wrong for losing faith in me, that they were wrong to ever doubt my ability. That they will one day be able to rest easily because I have taken what they have given me to make something great of my self.

The problem is with every attempt to fix me, It just proves that maybe I'm ****.

I should tell you what I think is wrong with me. It might be that I always think that there's something wrong with me, because of there isnt it just means I'm another one of the vast majority of people born into this earth who waste the gift of life by seeking pleasure and not doing much more. I need to be better. I wasn't a fat lose for my entire life for me to end up as one of those people. There has to be a light at the end of this ****** tunnel, bit with every passing failed attempt to make myself better, I know it's more likely that I am shot.

Last semester, during my second semester of sophomore year, I gave up on life. Or so I like to say. I'm not sure if me saying i gave up on life is accurate or just something I tell myself to avoid the truth: that I'm simply lazy and needed to find a way to stop working.

Either way, I with withdrew from the college with plan on really really fixing myself once and for all. To finally quit ******* smoking weed and spending all my time in ways that distract myself from the reality that I should be working towards achieving my goals. Well I had no plan, I just ended up doing nothing and hating myself even more. If this drastic change isn't gonna fix me what was? And so I went to a psychiatrist who never said for sure what I had and he seemed to be at least considering the fact that my entire struggle was just one big cry for attention as I suggested to him.

He gave me Lamictal a mood stabilizer but it didn't do anything g noticeable. Maybe I didn't hate myself as much and as frequently for being such a lazy **** but : : :I ended up stopping after I found adderall. I felt like this is what I should be: clear headed, confident, fast, sociable, literally everything I wanted to be but had been unable to achieve due to my laziness. I felt like I could accomplish everything. Adn so I took it regularly, like once every few days, hoping that I could spend it productively on developing habits to better myself. Evenually, the effects faded and I went back to college, having accomplished nothing.

I went back to college with guarded optimism about my future. Maybe I just needed a break and the pressures of college would whip me into shape. Nope. I started falling apart agaon, reverting back my sad, lonely, desperate, hopeless fatso who binged on junk food and played video games allllll day to distract my self from my weakness, my complete lack of discipline or even motivation to follow though on any attempt to improve my life.

After a few weeks of slowly backsliding into those habits, I was reaching my breaking point again and knew I needed to start getting 100s on everything to get the straight as my parents and i expected of me since high school. So I bought modafinil and I e been using it nearly every day. I feel so focused and when I'm in the zone I feel like I can study and study like I'm supposed to be studying. I've always felt that I can get good grades, I just didn't have the energy or discipline.

Now, im still taking the drug and I find myself reverti b yet again. I still waste too much time on porn and videos even after smashing my laptop. I still smoke too many cigarettes because I tell myself they make me feel good, even though I'm pretty sure I've developed acute bronchitis from the stress, lack of sleep, and poor nutrition (I've been trying to crash diet again)

Tldr: why am I a lazy sack of shot. Am I just an attenton seeking little *****? Is there something wrong with my braon? I know drugs should be the problem but without any I feel hopeless and hate myself even more than normal. I'm also a perfectionist, I like to do things all or nothing. And I take pride in hiding my emotions and bei cm able to control myself. I know this is just a big jumbled mess of words, but I'm so so so tired of ****o ng life and I want to know how to make it better. If Im just a lazy attention seeking ***** how do I change thay? If I need to stop the drugs how do I get the energy and motivation to do what I feel like I need to be doing? I'm so tired of being a loser. Please tell me what I need to do to be the handsome, successful, likable guy I want to be. PleaSr help.

we seem to have a lot in common, as i am 21, i smoke cannabis, i take lamictal, i struggled with college, i often feel unmotivated and "lazy" too. but when you have depressive symptoms, it is very difficult to get out of bed, eat, even move sometimes. i hate that you have such a poor image of yourself, but i have no room to speak. sometimes, our MI tells us that we are faking it. that we don't deserve treatment. that we aren't "sick enough". that we are just begging for attention. it isn't true! honestly, it sounds like you need to find a more compassionate psych doctor and be referred to a therapist if you have not already. it can truly work wonders if you want the help and work the program. i've found that the best way to get better is not quitting all of your bad habits at once, but taking baby steps. one bad habit at a time. try and go easy on yourself. try to be gentle with you. I know it really sucks to be our age and see people we went to high school with already graduating college, but hey. that's them. there's no rush. take your time, focus on you and feeling better. yoga and meditation can also work wonders, or they did for me. about the lamictal- were you on a low dose? i know everyone is different but i have been on almost every med and its the only one that has helped. i just had to have a higher dosage. but please do not raise it on your own as it can cause problems. and about the cannabis, it has kept me out of inpatient for 2 years. when i was going every few months before that. i'm not saying it's the right choice for everyone, especially not if you feel you have an addictive personality. but medicinal does have it's positive affects for MI. i hope i help, even in the least. and i wish you the best and hope you start feeling okay again soon.

Well, I've been in your shoes a many of times. Smoking pot is a losing approach to life. I had to do pros and cons on it. Was it really worth it? Answer was "no" so I quit.

I also did this to everything that I felt was holding me back...smoking- that was a p.i.t.a., but it's something that's gone that I can't curse myself over. I started walking, getting out and moving around. We tend to sediment and lose effort to move. I started eating better...small life changes over periods of time, not all at once where it's over whelming that I just give up.

Depression can also feed into this....I'm surprised that you didn't get anti-depressants.

Using drugs to get inspired is just a crutch, like you found out. Run out of drugs, back to the same oh same oh. It takes real life changing.

Getting a life coach is another thought.

It also took me being sick n tired of being sick n tired. I got tired of listening to myself whine to myself and others. It was actually embarrassed once I realized how stupid I was sounding.
This was my first change, quit whining. Every time I whined, I reinforced the idea of a loser I was. Hearing myself caused me to believe it. So I stopped thinking that way.

I got proactive and started setting little goals and taking pride in what I did, and if I failed, I didn't beat myself up over it, oh well it happens.

I started feeling better about myself with each little success that I was having. Some of it is easy, some of it is hard as hell, but just don't give up. Do it even if your mind fights back...go into robot mode and just do it.

Sure I had setbacks and stops, but I never quit. I had an idea of what I would like to grow in to.

I'm not quite there, but I feel better and am better off then where I was in the past.

I've managed to stay productive and self employed, wear better clothes, more socially active, go out to places, meet new people and not be embarrassed about my life style...

Everything needs a plan. Take a piece of paper and jot down an idea of the person that you would like to be. Then make a list of characteristics about yourself that you would like to see improve including the stuff that needs to go.

Sure it's an overwhelming list taken as a whole. But if you were to pick one trait to improve upon at a time, it's much easier to handle. I'd pick an item and then put the list away until I was ready to move on to the next item, then the next...

Sure there isn't no instant gratification for as much as we'd like to take off one life and put another on.

Our brain is a computer that needs to be reprogrammed. It takes 30 days to make a habit. We must throw away all pride and judgements and be open minded to change. We must delete the outdated program and install the new program and keep updating it. It'll take a little while, but it also took a lot of work to get where we are at today.

This is just an idea of which direction to go. I've done this and I'm totally not who I was before. Just got to not be scared of change. I hope this helps.