[keboogy]

I’m doomed. Very much doomed. It’s 2AM and I have mid-term exams tomorrow, which I have completely not studied for. Three pages max of one subject out of ten. I just can’t, couldn’t. As absurd as it may seem I literally just physically and mentally could not bring myself to study anything at all and I’m so apathetic about everything it’s almost scaring me.

I’ve never been this bad before. Sure, I’ve always hated the education and the absurdly excessive amounts of tests and quizzes here but as for mid-term exams I’d always at least put in a bit of effort (even if the results were still sad) but this time I really could not find myself to care. Like, I really. Do. Not. Care. At all.

Which is terrible, really god-be-damned terrible, because I’m a senior in high school, and I’ve already got the pressure of finding US colleges I wish to go to. My GPA is gonna be so terrible, even though I don’t really know what they’re gonna use to calculate it or HOW they’re gonna calculate it with my grades here but I am sure there is no way it’s gonna be near a 4. Haha! If there’s even a 3 it would absolutely be no doubt a miracle. And here although I know how awful everything is going to be I feel just the same as if I were talking about the weather.

Everyone around me is telling me to find something to motivate me, which I know already because it’s pretty common sense, but… not even “working for my dreams” or “working for my dream art school” is even motivating me anymore. And that’s really not good sign I think, because for all this time my future has always been something I cared the most of but now thinking about it fails to excite me anymore— and even thinking of losing it fails to scare me too.

One strange thing though, is how I have these moments. For one moment I’d feel normal again: I have hope, I can see through my worries and I have motivation to do things. But then the next moment, it’s like I’d sink into an abyss or something; it’s like I’m blinded, and my mind sinks into this endless void of negative thoughts that I can’t see through no matter how hard I try, and I can’t do anything. Even when I manage to actually try and do something I don’t feel like it, even if it was something I loved to do, or my mind would start filling up with guilt and more negative things as I’d think I’m wasting all this time doing other things when I should be using it on studying. Unfortunately, these dark abyss moments can last on for days, while the normal moments are only temporary flickers through everything like a flash.

Last Friday I even got sent to the school counselor because of this issue and I suppose I was in the normal moment, because all she really said to me was to hang on until I graduate and I actually wanted to do things, and even planned how I should study a bit over the weekend. But not long after that (like about an hour or so) it’s into the apathetic abyss mode, and I’m still stuck in it. I still go to school everyday when I have to and I sit through everything— but it’s like I’ve lost half of my soul already and I think everything I have at hand is being jeopardized.

There isn't much I can do now. Let's just hope I have enough luck to go around everything...

[Skeezyks]

Hello keboogy: Well... it's been many years since I was in school. (What a comedy of errors!) I recall, one time, in college, I went in to see a counselor at the college because I was having the same sorts of problems you describe. When I got through telling the counselor how I was feeling, he (I think it was a "he"...) smiled & said something like: "Well, it sounds like you have a pretty good handle on things." And that was that.

I have to admit I don't have a lot of use for counselors, or therapists either, myself. On the other hand I've read posts, here on PC, written by members who said their therapists saved their lives. So I presume there are great therapists out there. It's a matter of finding one.

From what you wrote, it sounds to me as though you're struggling with some serious depression. I don't know that a school counselor is likely to be someone who is going to be able to help you with that. You may want to consider seeking the services of a mental health therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist. (I see you live in Taiwan. So I don't know how mental health services are provided there.) But under any circumstances, from what you wrote, it sounds to me as though the school counselor you saw is simply not someone you can expect to receive any beneficial help from. And I would encourage you not to simply let it go at that.

Oh... & by the way... miracles do happen. I ended up with a Masters Degree & a 4.0 average in grad school!

[svmmersnow]

I can definitely relate to this. Way too well...
Just hang on there!

[azu-nyan]

Good luck with everything...

I get exactly where you're coming from and even though I'm not even in your shoes yet, the future seems so intimidating in retrospect. And sometimes I think we don't want to do things just to do them, we want a purpose and if that purpose isn't set in stone (like a solid foundation for a good future) we lose that motivation and it all goes downhill.

You'll find your purpose. If things don't go right for you this time around and you have to settle, just look at it as you getting an opportunity to think things through. With every door that closes, doors still open. At least there's that much.

This isn't something you can't fix, whether it be now or at a later time. Just keep that in mind and try to keep your head up and once you've taken your test, try to not dwell. Things will run its course and its no point in further stressing yourself over something already done.

My inbox is open if you ever feel you want to talk though, I know exactly where you stand but the only way to really keep your head above water is to have hope that somehow things will look up. Even if it takes time, it'll happen.