Hi everyone. I wish I talked about this here before, but I've been so embarrassed about it that I didn't even want to talk about it anonymously online. I think I'm worried that since I feel so bad about it already, I'm terrified I'll hear what a loser I am and will hate myself.

Well, I should mention that I've been a good student all my life before this happened, just to rule out the idea that it's bad study habits.

I've slowly but surely had dropping grades. When I first started college, I did excellently and got As in everything. Things were great! I started school so scared about how I'd do, so I think I pushed myself a lot harder to compensate. It was easy because I was so happy to attend college. I wanted to all my life and thought that I may never be able to.

So I immediately start working 20 hours a week while carrying a full load. It wasn't a problem at all for me at the time. I loved it. I did get a decent amount of financial aid to help, but I still worked to help pay for rent and living expenses. I was always struggling with money, to some extent, even though I spent very carefully and never bought anything "extravagant." I'd occasionally splurge on something a bit more expensive at the supermarket and some flowers for my small garden.

After a couple of years of this, things starting becoming more heavy. I got a B grade, too, now that I think about it. I had no idea why I was starting to struggle.

I should mention that at this point I hadn't made any friends. To be honest, I just didn't connect with anyone I usually interacted with. I just didn't have a good matching personality. Plus I still had low self-worth from being abused in the not too distant past.

Since my only parent had died very soon before I started school, a school counselor started asking me about that. I didn't volunteer that information, but it came up whenever people asked me about my parents. I didn't want to lie, though, although that was a good option as well. I could've told them my dad was alive and well, but they might've seen in my record at some point that I was an independent student at my age.

She thought I hadn't had time to grieve over my father's death, and that's probably why I wasn't doing so well in school. I agreed, and began talking to her more about it.

The year after that, my grades began plummeting even more. Some school counselors felt I had depression. I was quickly losing motivation to do work. I started taking bad things happening more to heart. I remember walking by a girl in school and hearing her tell her friend that I'm a loser. I remember another girl calling me a "b****" to her friends while I was walking down the hall. It seemed a repeat of my childhood. Growing up, I liked to be alone, which was very unusual for a girl, so all the other girls would often bully me over it. The funny part is that when I interacted with them, they'd often take advantage of me because I was kind and didn't like saying no. This is a reason why I don't like to stay in one place too long, or at least I like to avoid people. Once people see that I'm quiet and like to be alone, I begin getting bullied.

I noticed that this community college had a lot of people who had went to high school together, and they'd form friendships based on who they used to know, and the smart kids from high school would go into "smart" majors. Something about the whole thing made me think that maybe the school wasn't the best for me. I was an outsider to the school, and didn't fit in at all.

Also, at the jobs I worked at, I always felt like my supervisors thought I was weird, albeit a good worker. I always did my very best in work, but I didn't know the best way to interact with anyone. My supervisors would get on well and have conversations with other workers, but seemed to make things very short with me. With my first job, my supervisor did enjoy talking science with me, but at the 2nd half of working she actually started being mean to me, and my coworkers began being mean to me, too.

I should mention that I ended up staying at community college for 4 years while discovering what I wanted to do. I did always attend full time except for one semester, I think.

My very last year, the 4th at community college, was the hardest struggle. I started a new job working many hours and had a ton of coworkers who were young women like me. They got along with me, but for the first 7 months, they all acted like they didn't like me. I took this really bad and had to talk myself out of quitting all the time. I thought I could overcome it. Some of my coworkers, after almost a year, did begin to like me and liked how I was kind and hardworking. I was able to forget the hard times because of that.

As for school, my motivation was nearly dead, and my grades suffered.

I tried everything I could to counter it and talked to counselors all the time. I was too embarrassed to go into tutoring, although I forced myself a few times.

I think the hardest part was when a counselor said, "You may not have the maturity yet to attend college." It was proof to me that she didn't even think about my past accomplishments, and probably my feelings. And it made me think that most people must think like her. That if I begin to struggle, that's who I am all of a sudden. Doesn't matter how well I did in the past, the fact that the moment I begin to struggle, I'm a dumb student who's immature.

To be honest, looking back, talking to the school counselors seemed to make things worse! At least, for me in particular. I usually left, after admitting more of my failures and how to work on them, feeling like more of a loser.

I finally transferred to a university, and nearly the whole time I felt numb. I didn't feel excited, but I just wanted to forget my college years completely.

Lo and behold, I did terrible at the university. Some of the school administration I talked to wrapped it up as me not being able to understand the work and suggested I switch to an easier major. Which really hurt to hear. Some of them seemed to understand that I was depressed and recommended that I take a semester off. Which was the best advice I got, but I didn't want to. I felt like I couldn't, like taking a semester off would be giving up.

I didn't have anyone to talk to about it except my husband, and when I occasionally did, he made me feel better and kept me going. I tried talking to a sister of mine and she actually judged me for it, but then said some kind words like realizing she shouldn't have, so I forgave her but haven't talked to her about it since. I haven't talked to anyone else other than my therapist and husband about my struggles since I transferred to a university. I'm being more careful this time.

Going to therapy, I was hoping, and fearing, I'd get a depression diagnoses and perhaps would begin working on it. However, when I finally got the courage to ask my therapist about it, the therapist I saw for 2 semesters said nothing was wrong with me while subtly hinting I was depressed.

Although it felt like I had some gain from therapy, I felt like I wasn't even bad enough to qualify as depressed and felt like a complete loser and failure. Like I had just been lazy all that time, and being miserable all the time was normal.

I got my head together when my husband talked with me. He agreed with me when I said the therapist wasn't a good one for me and that I wanted to stop going.

However, I was hoping therapy would save me from failing school, and it didn't. Although I do think it did some good.

I'm going to be disqualified because of my university gpa, and I often feel like the biggest loser in the world. Like no one could do worse than me.

Actually, I'm so happy I married my husband, because he's been extremely supportive. He says that it isn't bad at all, and to get my grades up at community college. And how it'll be a nice break. He said a lot of things that were exactly what I needed to hear and to not get too down about it. Plus, he always pushes me to do what makes me happy, and he says he only wants me to do well in school because he knows it's what I want to do, and not because it's important, and has a lot of faith in me.

He's said one thing that was a bombshell for me and I feel explained everything: he's said I might be just burnt out. That would explain everything! I've been forcing myself so hard to do well and beat myself up after every bad grade, and have lost my original motivation to go to school. It's like I'm only doing it because I feel forced to now, like I have no choice because I need a degree. I should mention that I do have an associates, just not a bachelors.

So, right now I'm going to college again for a while, and it might be a good thing in the end. However, does anyone have any advice for me in this situation? I don't want a repeat of all the years before.

Plus, it was nice to get that off my chest. Thanks for reading.

[Unrigged64072835]

I hear you on that. Having high expectations can be a motivation-killer. Hopefully you'll recover from this.

[AmandaBroken]

I am sorry you had to go through all this. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I offer you a gentle hug and a soft embrace. Please be safe.

I pretty much failed my first two years of college, took some time off to attend community college, and now I'm back at college.... Not to mention, I had straight As until 11th grade, when I got severely depressed and my family situation went from bad to awful.

So I've been there. I know the ups and downs and how your sense of self gets screwed up... but I wouldn't worry. Remember it is never too late. Taking your time is fine. Remember that you have your whole life ahead of you to accomplish things. Doing well in school is only one kind of accomplishment. You will achieve things in school, or out of school, which will bring you to your next opportunities. It's okay. This is not wasted time - you are growing even if you don't seem to be doing anything by society's standards. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

I'm glad your husband is supportive. It can mean the world to have just one person on your side....

I'm doing much better at college now... I would say study what you love. I don't know about you, but personally, I think school is stupid, though I'm very smart. I dislike learning in a system. I feel my personality often grates against systems, so even though I'm very smart, I don't necessarily get good grades. So, studying what I love helps me to perform within the school system and get good grades. I also can't muster up the strength to study subjects I don't care about, bad grades be damned. Studying what I love also keeps the joy in my life, I find. And you can't be mentally healthy without that. (I'm majoring in a statistically low earning field, but I guess I'm arrogant enough to believe I'll work it out. So believe in yourself.)

When I went back to college, I was so scared. My first semester back, I tried to block everything out and ignore everyone.... Your goal seems to be to get your bachelor's degree, and you believe that will help you in life. So I would just tune everything out because you have a goal, and you know what you're doing, and you know how you're going to make your life what you want it to be. Therefore, you shouldn't care what other people think - not peers, or anyone who could alter your view of yourself. Because your view of yourself is the correct one. (At least, that's how I approached my first semester back... it's hard to keep up.)

I think what helped also me was having time off from college to breathe and allow myself to grow personally instead of having to chase deadlines all the time (I was coming from a very confusing and bad childhood).

I might write more later because I have to go somewhere... I hope this helped, or at least you know you're not alone...

I wish you all the best. And, I hope what I wrote was relevant. I have a feeling I just started going on and on....

Thank you, empty nightmare. I don't feel as alone in this. 11th grade is when I started getting depressed from home life as well, so I can relate.

I agree with a lot of what you said. I might think about my major and if I actually really love it. I agree about tuning others out. I tend to compare myself with a vengeance, and it only brings me down and gets in the way of my goals.

I think some time off, or at least a very light class load, could be good for me. Maybe I'll take some classes that are fun and just do those for a semester to get my spirit back.

Thanks so much! Thank you Fharraige and AmandaBroken as well.