Decision! And conflict, and fear, and...

Well, I've actually made a decision for what I want to do next and even feel excited about it! I'm pursuing an internship for the summer which is simply perfect for me, should graduate with a BA by the end of summer and applying into the MSW/MPA double degree at my college for the fall. Shaping them together I'll be prepared to work in a social work setting, write grants and do administrative stuff(if needed - I'm getting this for practicality more than interest!) with Native Americans in a cultural-holistic manner. Eh, that's not worded too great, but basically I believe the revitalization of Native culture and community including languages, arts, experiencing nature and gatherings is holistically healing and fulfilling for Native Americans. It instills community and identity to people who feel misplaced and marginalized, builds pride and self-confidence. Well, that's a little overview of my senior thesis, anyway! I also think cultural programs can be very effective for any population, but this is part of my heritage, abilities and interests, and addresses a very significant and largely under-noticed issue.

But then there's the conflict... this is to pursue life, but I've been settled on/expecting death. To follow this is to risk gaining another important thing only to face the crash when it falls apart. It's so painful, difficult and scary to step away what I've come to expect - and the slow suicide of restriction I've been moving towards - and devote myself to this possibility. This possibility which I fear will end as my other experiences. Feels like I'm being taunted with something amazing only to have it ripped away, again.

Hm... the conflict of mental illness and the pursuit of education/vocation. What a mess. And my first real step would be to reduce my restricting(probably a diagnosable ED-NOS). I'm so good at creating problems for myself!

Life is a perpetual beginning and end. There is no eternity... to anything on this earth. We will forever be gaining things to lose them - but to be able to lose something, that means we were gifted with it in the first place, does it not?

Friends and family will come in and out of our lives, relatives will pass on, we will be let go from jobs or quit jobs of our own accord - but isn't that the beauty of it? For something to begin, it must end. This is actually a strong part of Native American tradition, especially if you read stories on how death was created.

"The Modoc of northern California tell of a chief named Kumokums, who proposed a unique solution to the overpopulation that had plagued his community. Fearing a population explosion that would eventually endanger the village food supply, the chief consented to let his people travel to the land of the dead. By doing this, however, the chief was consigning his people to the reality of death.

"

The most amazing part, is how we keep on reaching for life. Let that part of you flourish and grow. You never know how many people you will influence in your life time. May it be long and healthy so you can help others who don't even have the option to choose life... those who have no resources, but continue to reach.

Good luck - you deserve it! As do the others you will help out some day