Hello! =)

I recently recognized the importance of quantifying my goals.

For example, one of my most important goals in my next three months is 'Score a 'B-' or higher in both my physics classes'. I segmented that broad goal into two specific goals for this week:

• 'Study two hours a day every day for a week'
• 'Study four hours a day every day on a weekend for a week'

I did this because I can ultimately measure whether or not I succeeded. I can time and then chart the time I've studied every day and then edit my specific goals to make it more achievable and measurable. And I feel much better!

But what I struggle with quantifying broad goals like 'Build new relationships' or 'Manage my anger', which I feel are equally worthwhile and important goals in my life at the moment.

For example, I have legitimate questions with 'Build new relationships' that affect how to segment that goal into workable steps:

• Do I have enough time to devote myself to this goal?
• How can I go about building new relationships?
• What about the important relationships I have now?
• Where do I go to build new relationships?
• What do I do to build new relationships?
• What sort of skills do I have to build new relationships?
• How do I 'know' if I've succeeded or failed with something not so easily measured?
• What am I apprehensive of? Scaring others off? Coming on too strong? Transference?
• Am I expecting too much from myself or others?

I'm building simple friendships, for example, with men and women at the local bars, but in all seriousness there is much more than that!

All this bothers me because it's hard to quantify and measure broad goals that are as equally (if not more so) important than quantifiable and measurable goals.

So I wanted to ask for suggestions with this:

• What are your suggestions?
• What are your similar experiences to this?
• How can or did you ultimately segment and measure a goal like 'Manage my negative self-talk' or 'Invest more money'?
• Do you have any recommended articles, books, lectures, etc. (be it online or otherwise)?

I want to continue my self-growth, but I understand the importance of it being manageable and reachable as opposed to vague and unreachable.

Thank you!

[Renovation]

TR,

I think this is an excellent idea. I keep a workout and weight log, which quantifies my progress and motivates to keep at it and to improve my previous performance.

Do a search on "goal setting" and I'm sure you'll find lots of articles on the best way to set, track, and achieve goals.

Good luck!

[Perna]

I would suggest breaking your goals into two types: outcome and process goals.

"Build new relationships" is an outcome goal. It is down the line, what you expect to "end" with, the larger picture if you will. But, how do you get there?

First you have to decide how many relationships, how to meet these new people and what "build" means.

So, how about:

Talk to 10 strangers this week.

Join a club or class or attend a meeting(s) and identify three potential new friends in the next month

Read Dale Carnegie's book, How to Make Friends and Influence People (or whatever book you want) this week.

Identify current friends and choose one to touch base with this week. Practice "building up" an old relationship and learn from the process and practice.

Goals are just steps. Sounds like you are doing too much intellectual wondering ("do I have time?") that is unrelated to actually working on any goals? Think of your intellectual side as a "worry" side; worrying is always about the future and since we cannot know the future, is always a waste of time. Thinking does not get you doing on a goal and it is doing that makes things happen. Even if you do things poorly, slowly, make mistakes, etc. you are still moving forward whereas planning the perfect way to do something is still not doing it/getting it done or moved forward!

With goals being "steps", that means they build on one another. You cannot build a new relationship until you have the relationship to build and you cannot have the relationship until you have met the new person! So, the first goal is to meet the new person you might like to have a relationship with and the second is to choose and work on getting a relationship going and then the third, to "build" the relationship. It's like creating a bonfire you have to go collect the wood, set it up well so it will catch fire and burn and then keep feeding it fuel to get it to grow.

"Manage my anger" works the same way. When you have it managed to your liking, that will be a successful outcome goal. But the process requires you to figure out specifically what makes you angry and then come up with ideas to try to help with each specific sort of anger (road rage is not the same as getting frustrated at a slow clerk in the store when you're in a hurry) which could divide into two: helping yourself when you get angry versus not getting angry in the first place or recognizing where the anger comes from and realizing it's not that situation which drains the anger from "there" and makes it a different problem.

So, instead of "Manage my anger" I would change my first outcome goal to "Understand my anger" and that might mean therapy or paying close attention and carrying around an "anger" notebook to write in and note when/how/why you get angry, all the details (like you were going to write a scientific paper on it or like when one analyzes their dreams). Once you think you understand your anger, you might not even need to "manage" it anymore, it might have morphed into something else for you. When I get road rage, I instantly stop and look to see what is frightening me, where I feel "helpless". That's for my own personal reasons/background but the angry feelings go away instantly and I have a "truer" emotional problem/issue going on to look at and work with.

Goals can be broken down and broken down and broken down until you have the literal "next" step. Remember "Talk to 10 strangers this week"? Where do you find these strangers? Talk about what?

Go to the library tomorrow and ask the reference librarian if they have Dale Carnegie's book, How to Win Friends and Influence People and, if so, where it is kept. Ask him/her if s/he has ever read it. Tell him/her that I am trying to make some new friends and can she recommend any other books that might help me. When you return whatever book(s) you check out to the library, try to go to the same reference librarian (there's often a couple who mind the desk; they have schedules because libraries are often open early/late in staggered shifts) and tell her how you liked X book that was recommended and ask for more like that.

Go to the grocery store closest to your home day after tomorrow, in the late afternoon/evening (after work) and buy some snack foods. Choose a line with a clerk close to one's self in age and ask the clerk when his/her shift ends; commiserate with him/her if it is more than an hour or two. Ask the clerk if they live in "this" neighborhood and what their favorite bar/restaurant is in the city/area. Go to the same grocery store every week, at around the same time and get to know the clerk and let the clerk get to know you without looking like you are "stalking" them Talk about things you like to do and/or recipes, cooking or something else related to whatever it is you are buying. Each time you leave, thank the clerk by name (read the name tag). If possible, include the people in front/behind you in line in conversation too.

Go to the office of the local community college or county recreation center and inquire about enrolling/courses. Go several times, pick a course to take, and do all the registering and other paper work at the office with various clerks' help. Go in person to ask questions and get a map and find out where various buildings are and how to park your car and whether it costs extra for a parking pass, how safe the parking lots are at night, where "security" is, etc. Think of lots of questions and go several times to ask various ones and investigate. Go to the school bookstore to buy your supplies/books (instead of doing it online).

Pick a hobby or project you have (gardening) and go to a specialized store to get supplies or ask questions. Or, get an idea fo something to make and go to an unusual source for it. For example, I usually buy my garden plants from my local hardware store :-) At one point I was buying herbs there and they were the sorts that would take over the garden if the roots were not "contained". I had seen/realized I could get a chimney flue open at both ends and use that (or a concrete block, etc., anything "deep" but open at both ends). It was amusing, having that discussion with the hardware guy, asking if they had chimney flues (they did) and trying to explain what I wanted them for. Go somewhere specialized and make an unusual request that might help/educate/give the person you are talking to a good idea; which might be an indirect suggestion to a business that might help their business.

Think of your own scenario to meet a stranger :-)

[Omers]

I wish more people were thinking this way! This is GREAT! Good job. It gets easier with time, especially the "less obvious" ones.