[CantExplain]

Hi guys!

A lot of my stress and unhappiness comes from disappointment, and disappointment comes from unmet expectations.

A solution then, is to lower my expectations.

But that seems so defeatist! Our civilisation was not built by people with low expectations. Quite the reverse. It wasn't low expectations that built the pyramids or put a man on the moon. It wasn't low expectations that put a roof over my head or a TV in my living room. It wasn't low expectations that made me seek therapy.

What do you think?

[splitimage]

I think expectations have to be realistic. One of my biggest frustrations is my Dr's telling me to lower my expectations. Well no - i'm smart, I'm ambitious, I'm a hard worker. I just happen to be overcoming some MH and addiction challenges. Ok, so I've given up on the idea of becoming a CFO - that's not realistic given my age and experience now, but I do have hopes of getting a job after retraining as a forensic accountant.

--splitimage

[Perna]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

A lot of my stress and unhappiness comes from disappointment, and disappointment comes from unmet expectations.

A solution then, is to lower my expectations.

All that glitters is gold, glass glitters, therefore glass is gold. Not.

It's not lowering your expectations, it is discovering where your expectations come from and why they are your expectations (if you want those expectations or are just going-with-the-flow of how you were raised).

My therapist had me contemplate "disappointment" one week and, of course, I was immediately disappointed by my husband :-) He was supposed to unload the dishwasher/do the dishes but decided to go to the racetrack instead.

Okay, first off, he's a thoughtful guy, helpful, loves me; why was he doing this? His back hurt and doing the dishes would make it worse whereas going to the racetrack would distract him from the pain.

Why were the dishes so urgent? Couldn't he do them in the afternoon as well as in the morning, right after breakfast? Well, I didn't like that, I wanted. . . Oops! Who is responsible for what I want? If I want the dishes washed right away, what was stopping me from doing that and getting what I wanted?

But still. . .? How come he gets to run off and have fun (I can't go with him if I want?) and I'm "stuck" with the chores? Because my stepmother raised me that way is why. My stepmother is in this "supposed to" equation, not me and what I want for myself!

I love my husband. I do not want his back to hurt. I want him to feel good and be happy! So, logically it follows that I want him to go to the race track and I want to think about this some more. What else, what other of my expectations are not mine but trained into me by my stepmother and others along the way?

We cannot "expect" others to do. We can only expect ourselves. We are only in charge of our own wishes and behaviors toward getting those wishes. If I really and truly want a nice clean kitchen 5 minutes after I eat, then it follows that I really and truly enjoy cleaning the kitchen and should get at it! Otherwise I just really and truly like being waited on by others or really and truly am not into looking at my wishes and behaviors and where they arise from.

Are you doing X and "expecting" that means so-and-so will do Y for you? Doesn't work that way. Think about the phrase, "Here, let me help you!" What does that imply? That you need help; that I have decided you need help! That I have decided that you need my help! A bit condescending isn't it? Who is in charge of knowing when you need help? You are. You are in charge of saying, "Hey, could you give me some help here?" My husband never offers his help but is always willing to give it. I keep trying to learn that. That way I wouldn't get in the bad habit of "score keeping" and other demented relationship problems.

Expectation can be a slippery slope, kind of like worrying; worrying is wholly about the future and we cannot know the future. When I catch myself worrying, which is usually about negative expectations, I decide I might as well imagine positive outcomes as negative ones? It's all in my head anyway because nothing has happened yet, it is all in the future! I look to see what I have or can do to prepare for what I wish/want and then, I generally get what I "expect".

What I mean by expectation though often is just expecting others to do or say something without letting them know that is what I want/am expecting! It's expecting others to read my mind and know me so well that they know when I do "x" that they are supposed to do "x" or "y" in response. It is making the gift of Me a travesty, with strings attached. I do what I do because it is what I want to do and benefits me, plain and simple. I cannot plan and execute benefit to you because I am not you. You determine what is beneficial to you and execute getting that, not me.

[CantExplain]

Um... I had some trouble following all that.

[viryan23]

Ah! Lowering your expectations is indeed quite hard.

I myself have to remind me many times not to expect too much, but when my motivation is really high, I find it impossible to keep myself on the ground.

Really, it's easy to say not to expect much, but how can we do it?

[Perna]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

A lot of my stress and unhappiness comes from disappointment, and disappointment comes from unmet expectations.

Expectation of others is a slippery slope. We can't know what to expect from them because we are not them, in their situations. We don't "know" them.

The best way I know of to get my expectations met is to voice them, both as what I would like from another person (so they know what I would like/am expecting; no fair expecting something from another who is clueless? :-) and after, if I don't think to let them know ahead of time and find myself surprised and with unmetedness - "Gee, I was hoping for X. . ." and discussing it with the other person so, with that person, in the future one's expectations are more likely to be met?

But first, recognizing that expectations are about what we would like, what we want and acknowledging that; that other people may not like, want or expect those things is important. My stepmother would stay up all night, the martyr, making me clothes or working on a project for me and then get all bent out of shape when I wouldn't get excited. Who asked her to stay up all night? She did! Her unmet expectations are due to her own actions, not mine. Waking a teenager at 9:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning and dragging them out to the garage to look at the wonderful project she worked on all night is begging for disappointment?

I think we have a responsibility to be "reasonable". Yes, I should be thankful for gifts from my stepmother but I am not responsible for her disappointment; it is the storyline she created in her own head that got her in trouble, not me and my selfish teenage self. One has to want to do the things one does, not for praise, love, acknowledgement but for one's self, first, and all the rest is gravy.

There's a difference though between the storyline/fantasy of what we see happening in a situation and just lowering our expectations, I think. Lowering expectations means, "Okay, I'll give her this gift that I slaved all night on but she's a teenager, she isn't necessarily going to jump for joy; don't expect her to jump for joy. . ." it is still based on false assumptions about the other person and our view of ourselves and the situation; it isn't helpful to us?

Think about the bike under the Christmas tree scenario? Usually, it's a first bike and the parent knows the kid wants it desperately and it's Christmas morning, good setup for young kids. They jump for joy. When I was older, my brother and I got bikes for Christmas but we were 10 and 12, on the very edge of bike riding age, hadn't asked for bikes, they were no-speed, vanilla, cheap (not appropriate for our ages/tastes/interests/needs), we were not allowed to ride them, had to leave immediately for a 5-hour car trip to go out-of-state, up to the grandparents house, etc. Disappointment all around? I'm reminded of the checks my grandparents would send for birthdays/Christmas that I was required to immediately put in some savings account at the bank; how exciting was it to receive those checks? They were meaningless to me!

[CantExplain]

"Unmetedness" - lovely word!

[IowaFarmGal]

How about you don't jump to the top of the stairs, you take one step at a time. So maybe you need to divide you're expectations into smaller steps too. Not changing the long term goal but maybe adjusting the time frame of how quickly you get there? Just spotted the date. Oh well, maybe some one else will find it helpful.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Hi guys!

A lot of my stress and unhappiness comes from disappointment, and disappointment comes from unmet expectations.

All that glitters is gold and glass glitters - therefore glass is gold

Stress and unhappiness are unmetedness and expectations are unmet - therefore expectations are stressful.

Don't lower your expectations, do away with them altogether as they are a form of worry/future telling? We don't know what is going to happen. We hope certain things will happen, we work toward doing the best we can to help them happen but expecting them to happen as if we have a right to them? If other people or situations beyond our control are involved how can we know?

It is alright to be disappointed in one's self for not doing one's best in one's own life and I would not want to lower expectations of myself, I would want to be disappointed in such an event? But being disappointed in another person for not doing their best in your life. . . no fair!

[omgmeve]

I've learned to have high expectations for myself and the things I can accomplish but low expectations from others. Anything that needs to be done, I have to do on my own. I can't rely on other people.