[roseblossom]

Hi, my circumstances are that I was not adequately nurtured by my parents and as soon as I had a child of my own I became mentally unwell and very stressed, which went on for a long time.

Years later, I am trying to recover the best I can and I am looking for strategies on how to psychologically support myself - I guess perhaps its connected with having self-parenting strategies for helping out with self-esteem, motivation, dealing with emotions and thoughts etc.

Does anyone have any tips for key things that would help me grow in being able to psychologically support myself? I was challenged when someone told me that this is the area that I need to focus on and I'm not really sure where to begin - I tend to look to social connections for support and to share issues with, which I guess could be one reason why I've been so stuck as I haven't really devised healthy self-care strategies. One key issue has been using eating as a coping mechanism or sleep and I wasn't allowed to express anger growing up.

[luckyblackcat6]

Get close friends who can help you to sort out your feelings. Write letters to yourself to say how angry you are. At least that way the anger comes out and then you'll feel better without harming anyone.

The best thing that I can recommend is the use of DBT and meditation techniques. DBT, Dialectical Behavior Therapy, is something that was designed specifically for people suffering with Borderine Personality Disorder, but it would help anyone who is suffering from out of control emotions. What DBT attempts to do is to basically reprogram the way the think to some degree. Most people with problems regulating emotions dwell too much on the past or are anxious about the future all of the time....things we can do nothing about. What DBT attempts to do is to get you to focus on the now. Meditation uses much the same thing. You can go to www.dbtselfhelp.com for thoughts and exercises on dbt as well as some guided meditations that you can find under "instant mindfulness". www.audiodharma.com has some good, short meditations. Meditation, by the way, is designed to do much the same thing as DBT in attempting to get you to focus on now.

Feel free to contact me for more assistance.

[roseblossom]

Originally Posted by luckyblackcat6

Get close friends who can help you to sort out your feelings. Write letters to yourself to say how angry you are. At least that way the anger comes out and then you'll feel better without harming anyone.

Thanks for your post luckyblackcat6. I've had some measure of support from my friends, but over the past weeks I've realised that an issue with friendships has been that I have tended to either be the listener and emotional caretaker for them, or else I've been a victim.

I think this goes back to having to emotionally caretake my parents to an extent in order to get them to be nice to me and keep caring for me - essentially I had to learn it to cope.

So I think at least a couple of my relationships with others are based on that same pattern - where I am there to bolster them and when I try and talk about my situation nothing really gets resolved or it meets with a blank.

I'm only really just processing this now, and am not sure what I'm doing to fall into the trap of being a doormat or a victim.

Thanks for the tip about writing letters - I have been using writing more and more so this could be helpful.

[roseblossom]

Originally Posted by Maranara

The best thing that I can recommend is the use of DBT and meditation techniques. DBT, Dialectical Behavior Therapy, is something that was designed specifically for people suffering with Borderine Personality Disorder, but it would help anyone who is suffering from out of control emotions. What DBT attempts to do is to basically reprogram the way the think to some degree. Most people with problems regulating emotions dwell too much on the past or are anxious about the future all of the time....things we can do nothing about. What DBT attempts to do is to get you to focus on the now. Meditation uses much the same thing. You can go to dbtselfhelp for thoughts and exercises on dbt as well as some guided meditations that you can find under "instant mindfulness". audiodharma has some good, short meditations. Meditation, by the way, is designed to do much the same thing as DBT in attempting to get you to focus on now.

Feel free to contact me for more assistance.

Thanks very much for the links - I will check them out. I have been thinking more and more about meditation and have heard of dbt in the past.

Originally Posted by roseblossom

Thanks very much for the links - I will check them out. I have been thinking more and more about meditation and have heard of dbt in the past.

One thing about DBT and meditation. You need to practice it regularly and almost religiously to get the maximum results. You may feel like you're getting nothing from it at the beginning, but don't stop. It takes a while to realize what you're supposed to be doing. It's not an over night fix. It's not like an appliance that you can instantly say it doesn't work and toss aside. I did it for a few months before I saw any real benefit, but you will see benefits if you keep it up.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by roseblossom

One key issue has been using eating as a coping mechanism or sleep and I wasn't allowed to express anger growing up.

I use humor wherever I can find it to jolly myself along to where I know I can support myself/things aren't as bad as I make them out.

Recently I saw a sign I loved:

"Do not reward yourself with food, you are not a dog"

I would read some books on anger and learn about it and practice feeling and expressing it appropriately. Anger is a really good thing; when we feel we have had something taken from us or lost something (person or thing), we get angry, want it back! Learning how to talk to whoever we think has taken it to see if we are correct in our point of view/perspective and can iron out our differences or, realizing that we are angry (with reason) and figuring out how to help ourselves protect better with boundaries or fixing blind spots we may have, etc. are good things to learn.

The sleep thing is pretty much a choice. It does not "solve" anything or make anything better, we still have to wake up and we waste some of that time sleeping. For me, if I sleep too much I am apt to not sleep well at night and then my anxieties pounce on me instead! Thanks but I'd rather learn to deal with things now than have to deal with my unreasonable anxieties :-)

[sandworm]

I have lots of ideas, i need to have some time to put them together and speak to someone to gather and inspire my thoughts though to get all my ideas put together. If you would care to help me order my thoughts, I am willing to discussion. thanks
S.

[sandworm]

i would suggest "how to be an adult in a relationship" David Richo
"how to raise a self -reliant child in a self-indulgent world" Stephen Glenn (raise yourself)
Sedonna method.

i have tons more but really just a few pages from many books.

hugs
sandee