Welcome to Self-Help Ideas and Goal Setting!

The late Clay Tucker-Ladd, Ph.D. is the author of the fantastic free online book, Psychological Self-Help. Clay and I had been colleagues for many years, and I worked with him as the first self-help book ever to be published online. It's a great, in-depth work.

This forum is not just about offering support to one another, but to share experiences and techniques that have helped you out with specific issues and areas in your life.

We've also expanded the forum to help with goal setting as well. Set your goals publicly here, and then get tips on how to stick with them, even when you feel the most frustrated with reaching your goals.

In December 2023, we merged Habit Change into this forum. You're welcomed to talk about habit change, how to set new habits and get rid of old ones you no longer want, here too.

Welcome!
DocJohn

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I would strongly encourage you to go read a chapter of the book that you identify with. It will help ground the discussion somewhat and ensure everyone is on the same page.

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This is a great idea!!! YAY CLAY!!!

Excellent book. I don't know how I found it, but I've been passing around the web site to friends & people in support groups & people at the local Mental Health Assoc. plus NAMI. Thanks for the reminder to go back & read some more.--Suzy

Thanks for the welcome, DocJohn.

It will take me a few days to catch on to some of the complexities on this forum. But it is an exciting possibility and I thank you for making it possible.

drclay

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drclay said:
Thanks for the welcome, DocJohn.

It will take me a few days to catch on to some of the complexities on this forum.
But it is an exciting possibility and I thank you for making it possible.

drclay

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Dr. Clay

...................................................................... <font color="red"> "WE are glad to have YOU join US" </font>


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Welcome and love the book.

Thank you for a wonderful new forum and and exciting one too!

I look forward to studying the book.

To all the Welcomers:

Thanks for the warm welcoms and sometimes poetic comments. I'd like to welcome each of you with equal enthusiasm.

Several of you promised to read more of my book. You probably know that it is 1750 pages and growing. It may be better to think of it as a reference book that covers many topics. So, much of the book can be covered by just reading about topics you want to know about right now. Topics of interest can be found by going to the Chapter that interests you and then look for specific topics of interest in the Chapter Index. Or better yet, go to the search engine at the top of any page and type in the topic you are looking for.

For our purposes on this forum, it is probably best to discuss "how to change this behavior or feelings or thoughts" as if we were discussing a treating some problem rather than discussing the topics covered in a given Chapter. So, bring some problem to the forum that seems to be resisting change.

Please don't expect me to come up with the answers. My wife gave me a nice plaque that quotes Michelangelo: I am still learning.

Clay

This is a wonderful idea! Thanks Doc John!

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drclay said:
Thanks for the welcome, DocJohn.

It will take me a few days to catch on to some of the complexities on this forum. But it is an exciting possibility and I thank you for making it possible.

drclay

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I am glad you are back here at PC! (((DrCLay)))

Thank you DocJohn and Drclay for this site...what a great idea!!!

Hi Posters to Sharing Self-Help Ideas!

I'm still learning the system here. Why do I get the same material by email at home as I read on the forum? There seems to be two or more ways to respond on the forum? Which one should I use? How can you start a new topic or thread? Just type in a new topic for Subject?

First of all, I want to say that there has been 6 or 7 quick, clear, and frank responses to the question of "What would you like to change?" Excellent! They came from Sabrina0805, Perna, alibaby, Rhapsody, devox, Sarah116, Petunia, Sky and others.

Now I'd like to give you another suggestion (a new topic?). Let's see if it is helpful to look at all five parts of any problem. Please briefly read Step 3 about Trying to Understand the Problem. See link http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.org.../chap2_19.html

Does thinking about the five parts help you think differently about the problem or about possible solutions? I have found this technique to be helpful for many people over the years. I am currently writing about psychiatric diagnoses and how they are made. Diagnoses are very complex but it seems to me that for the self-helper the attending to these five parts of almost any problem serves some of the same purposes as diagnoses.

Try it and see if it helps you think about your problem.

drclay

I think in your profile, (up tippy top here on the site after you've logged in) there's an "email notification/subscription" choice you must have checked. I just come to the site rather than get them email (too).

If you click on the forum name (rather than on a specific post) you'll get a list of all the posts in the forum and the opportunity to start a new one.

"Every problem has five parts or levels: (1) the behavior involved, (2) the emotions experienced, (3) the skills you may need, (4) the mental processes involved (thoughts or self-talk, motivations, self-concept, values, and expectations), and (5) the unconscious forces that may contribute to your troubles." http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.org...2/chap2_2.html

That's a really helpful list, Dr. Clay

Hey, there are my posts from yesterday that I have been looking for on this forum. I'm catching on to this site little by little. Keep on helping me out. I'm not out of the woods yet.

Clay

Hi all!

Several of you have mentioned a problem or two you would like to work on. Now, make use of the quote that Perna found: "Every problem has five parts or levels: (1) the behavior involved, (2) the emotions experienced, (3) the skills you may need, (4) the mental processes involved (thoughts or self-talk, motivations, self-concept, values, and expectations), and (5) the unconscious forces that may contribute to your troubles." http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.org...2/chap2_2.html

Describe your problem to us again using the five parts that are involved in almost any problem. When some people do that let's see if the problem becomes more clearly described and see if it might become easier to find ways to deal with the problem. Do we have any volunteers? If not, I'll give an example I'm facing.

Example: My blood sugar is getting a little high. The problem described in 5 parts: (1) simple--eating too many sweets, (2) feeling stressed by piles of work to be done right in front of me; using sweets to settle down, (3) need better writing and organizational skills involved in pulling massive information together, (4) believing a brilliant integration of info is possible and that I should do it alone--without help, and (5) unconsciously thinking that I am as able as I was 50 years ago & being afraid that my memory is declining.

That is short but you can see that a more complete description of the problem (more than high blood sugar) might lead to new ways of coping. Of course, figuring out the self-help approaches and applying them may take weeks or months.

Time to go to bed...that usually clears my thinking!

Clay

<font color="blue"> Ok I'm game. Here is a problem I've been actively working on, had it pulled together but when a pain flare hit, it all fell apart and I need to reorganize it:

Problem in 5 parts? <ul type="square">[*] 1. The behavior involved is that I'm not getting enough sleep.[*] 2. The emotions experienced are frustration at not being able to sleep, anger that I know how to do this and "should", and worsened depression from not enough sleep.[*] 3. The skills I may need? Work on better focus, more emphasis on the calming nature of meditation [*] 4. The mental processes involved include as stated in #1, but in overcoming this problem are clearing my mind through meditation and thought blocking of the day's clutter, countering the frustration since sleep problems are common with chronic pain patients and becoming upset only pushes the prospect of sleep farther away, and realizing that I only sleep 3-4 hours in a row at best anyway before the pain wakes me so worrying about not sleeping all night is catastrophizing. Realization that even if I don't sleep, I can still rest my body and prevent a fatigue flare.[*] 5. The unconscious forces that may contribute to my troubles are... hmm if they're unconscious how can I know them? sorry my bad... If I go to sleep I will just have to wake up sometime, and I don't want to do that. I really don't want to wake up in worse pain, and if I stay awake I can manage the pain. If I sleep wrong (in the wrong position) I can cause key bones to displace, thus resulting in more pain and more active physical therapy. I don't like being alone, and the quietness right before sleep makes me realize my aloneness. Pain. Depression.[/list]
How'd I do???
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I like it Sky :-) I admire your trying to work on physical problems too; I would be afraid I couldn't know all the components and/or they'd change depending on other physical things. Hmm, looking at DrClay's behavior example; the behavior isn't that you're not getting enough sleep, that's the problem? What is one thing you're doing or not doing that could help?

I wake in the night too often because (1) I have to get up and go to the bathroom. I probably drink too much liquid too close to bedtime and don't urinate enough during the day because (5) I have problems from way back with my mother being sick and dying (encopresis) and then my stepmother punishing me for it. I feel (2) "safest" going to the bathroom in the middle of the night when no one knows or will punish me for it. (3) I can keep track of how much I drink during the day and not drink anything after 8 p.m. (4) I can pay attention during the day to my mental processes when I go to the bathroom and not be in a hurry and counter-talk any negative memories (in the hospital not being able to urinate/empty my bladder "on demand").

Not exactly in order :-) but looks like a plan!

_Sky:

I am glad to see you and Perna try out the five parts of your problem. You did well...I'll comment a little.

1. The behavior is often the problem...but knowing the unwanted behavior doesn't help you change much. You could write down the desired behavior, I suppose. Thought-stopping might cut off the worries and let you relax.

2. Yes, lying awake when you want to sleep is frustrating. And worry and irritation keep you awake, so emotions are innertwined with the behavior (not sleeping). You might want to start thinking about how to change these emotions, for instance get up and do something for a while, maybe exercise, meditate (as you suggested), write about your thoughts, or just read a good book until you fall back to sleep.

3. Learning new skills could help--self-hypnosis or other ways to relax, besides meditation (which usually is good). See insomnia in my Ch 5.

4. Our thoughts are always important. I agree with your ideas about avoiding mental stress so you can rest. But physical factors can keep us awake, e.g. pain (as you mention--do you have pain meds?) and mental processes (e.g. ADHD, Bipolar and so on). You mention being alone in 5 but that is no an unconscious thougth, so I'd put that in part 4. And I'd focus on making detailed plans over days or weeks so that you don't keep worrying "oh, what am I going to do about being alone." It is very comforting to have a careful plan.

5. Your comment about unconscious factors is a good one: "if they are unconscious, how can I know them?" My answer is you can guess what your unconscious might be trying to do...or you can read about other people's unconscious motives or just look for possible causes of something that is happening to you, such as what payoffs could the pain be trying to give me? or is my aloneness trying to tell me something or get me to do something? Keep in mind the unconscious has to be unpleasant for you to think about--otherwise, it would be conscious, right? So the pain or the loneliness may be punishment for something...or encouragement to do something that the unconscious wants you shouldn't do.

Much of this is speculation but that is OK if we are comfortable doing it and if the ideas lead to our feeling better, sleeping better, being less lonely.

We will see if this makes sense and helps.

drclay

Perna:

Thanks for posting about disturbed sleep. I go to the bathroom a lot at night too but thankfully it is not a problem because I quickly fall back to sleep. In your case where you believe you know the cause of the poor sleep, I wonder if Desensitization (see Chapter 12) would quickly help you to relax (desensitize you to being in a bathroom or to functions you do there) and then go back to sleep. It isn't exactly fear you feel in the bathroom but it may be more distress or upsetness or resentment which can be desensitized just the same as fear.

Just an idea. What do you think? Some ideas discussed with _Sky might work for you too, like having a good book to read...

Clay

Hmm, I've been trying to change going to the bathroom so often in the middle of the night around to daytime, closer to when I drink, hadn't thought about trying to get to sleep sooner afterwards. It's true if I'm really tired and do go to sleep sooner, that I sleep better. But getting up every hour or two is often more disruptive as I cannot get a "long enough" period of sleep some nights so either have to "sleep in" later in the morning than I want or get up when I'm still tired. I figure if I could get to feeling "safe" whenever I have to go, rather than pressured, that would help ease the unconscious preference for nighttime when it's "secret" and quiet (I'm not getting yelled at in anger).

This isn't going to be easy but I would like to give it a try.

1) The behavior involved: a pattern of negative thinking / putting myself down / blaming myself.

2) The emotions experienced: self-loathing, intolerant of my own stupidity / mistakes. Irritability. Helplessness. Hoplessness. Fear

3) The skills you may need: clearly I am new at this for I don't have a clue. I have been trying to break out of this for years and don't even know how to convince myself that I am not useless.

4) The mental processes involved (thoughts or self-talk, motivations, self-concept, values, and expectations): despite many motivations and self-talks, having high values - I seem to constantly strive for perfection. And always feel that I have failed when I don't achieve it. Constantly seeking approval and re-assurance despite not "expecting" it.

5) the unconscious forces that may contribute to your troubles: Traumatic first marriage - though I should be over it by now. Being overweight - emotional eating. Addictive behaviour.

I don't know what I have achieved here - I feel a little confused now.

Time to do some more reading.

Thanks for the opportunity to share this though.

<font color="blue">Thanks drclay. I was unsure as to whether the 5 pts applied to the problem or to the solution, as reading the points and examples gave me both. I guess I could have replied two sets, one for problem and the other for solution.

THIS IS LONG POST, and I'm sorry for that, but not ashamed

As I noted, I had this solution working, but went into a pain flare (mainly from stress) shortly afterwards.

My problem is not obtaining enough restorative sleep. My solutions included adjusting taking the valerian root at a strength that actually helps, and also taking two doses of pain meds, one with the valerian, and another after an hour as the valerian begins to work. The pain meds have a half life of 1 1/2 hours and is all but "gone" by the 3 hour point. I tend to wake in serious pain between 3 and 4 hours after the last pill.

In addition to the meds routine, I also prepare myself mentally for sleep. I shut down the tv, radio, notebook, check the house alarm and doors, locks, check the dog's water bowl, drink a half pint of water, turn the thermostat down to about 70 F degrees, along with the normal preparations for bedtime (brushing teeth etc.)

Once in bed, I make sure the pillows are adjusted for proper support, turn off the light, turn on the CD player and start the delta brain wave CD. While that begins, I use a type of self-hypnosis/meditation to visualize the chakra colors. As I move through the green, blue to purple... I also "hear" my T begin to count from #1 "in the background." I take note of tension in my body, and of my breathing. This usually allows me to fall asleep.

I recently added a post-hypnotic suggestion for when sleeping/waking after the first 3 or 4 hour segment of sleep: that when it's time for more pain med, that I will briefly wake to take the meds but stay asleep and go back into the dream that I was in (if). I facilitated this effort by having the pain med dose set out, and by purchasing a non-spill sippy top for the half pint water bottle, to allow me to drink while lying down. I also added the suggestion: That whenever I do wake for the day, I will feel fully rested as though I had a full night's uninterrupted sleep.

This works for me. I also engage in lucid dreaming, and have a few times, when waking from the pain and taking the middle of the night dosage, kept telling myself that I was still asleep, I was still in the dream, so as not to have to work at going right back to sleep. This worked delightfully well.

In my current efforts I realized that I was becoming confused as to whether I was awake or dreaming. With further study I found that by "trying" to gently push my hand through the headboard area wall, I could know for sure (because in lucid dreaming if I want to put my hand through a wall, I can. I can't do that IRL. )

NOW as for the unconscious aspect of the problem solving... I DID have to work on the whys I might not wish to go to sleep. I hadn't realized that those issues were at play in the effort...so I am thinking they were unconscious, but once I sought them, they came forward. This includes the alone/loneliness factor. I hadn't realized I feel so alone.

Since I had had success with having a good night's sleep, segmented but restorative, prior to this exercise, now that I have ferreted through all these new thoughts, I certainly will be more successful!

Have I missed something still for this problem?

_Sky:

I am glad to see a quick response from you.

You are exactly right! The five parts of a problem usually helps us see the problem more comprehensively. And, in addition, the five parts define the five main kinds of self-help (and therapy) methods available to therapists or self-helpers to change the problem. (Chapter 2 makes this a lot more clear.) I'm impressed you caught the duel purpose classification so quickly.

You have quite a routine for bed. It is well thought out and tailored for you. I would speculate that not only the meds and mental preparation help but just having a long, routine process preparing for sleep is an aid to falling to sleep. How long has it taken you to work out this routine?

I would guess you are feeling pretty confident that you are able to control your sleep (in spite of pain). Expections are a big help.

Often I make an assumption that the unconscious is getting some benefit from the problem behavior (in this case from the poor sleep) but, since you seem to be mastering sleep pretty well, we can't blame insomnea on the unconscious. (Maybe we can blame the pain on the unconscious...just kidding Yet, you may have discussed this with others in the group, but I'd be interested in the reasons for your loneliness.)

Let us know how the sleeping is going.

Clay

Sabina:

I saw your post before and wanted to respond to you, partly because you seem so down on yourself. So, you have some skill in understanding this psychology stuff.

First of all, you seem to have a clear picture of the five parts of any problem...and you described your situation very well.

For a discussion of self-criticism, see Chapter 6, page 128.
There is more about self-esteem in Chapter 14 too.

You may need to focus on really believing in your strengths and good characteristics. In the early part of Chapter 14 I discuss the new Positive Psychology. There are some tests that to help you see your strenths and your skills.

Sorry about your first marriage...I know divorce is very painful--I have been through two of them. But I know that we are capable of becoming better partners and of learning how to relate intimately. I have been married for 25 years to my wife. It is a wonderful relationship.

Are you perfectionistic about your next marriage or are you hopeless about that part of your future?

You can come to feel better about yourself. Get started on working on it.

drclay

Dr Clay

Thank you for your response.

I must say that tackling your extraordinary book is daunting. I perused over the chapters you mentioned to me and kept wanting to branch off into other areas.

It became evident that I have numerous issues to work on. I started to panic when I managed to tell myself that I have posted about ONE issue right now - and that I shall deal with JUST that issue for now. No matter how multi-faceted it is.

I am aware that I need to spend much time and energy focusing on my strengths and good characteristics. While my logic and intelligence can note them and agree, it is another matter entirely when I try to "feel" them. I cannot discern whether this is a learned behaviour or not. I will study some more though.

One thing that stood out very clearly to me, and that I am so relieved to know why I might do this, is that I indulge in self critical and self hurtful behaviour as a safety net, or as you mentioned "a way of reducing stress". If I have run myself down, then nobody else can. Or perhaps it won't hurt as much when they eventually do. Now I need to get out of this trap.

I am not hopeless about my present marriage as though it is "new", it is very happy. I am very blessed to have this second chance. But I do certainly extend my perfectionism into the home life of my marriage. Trying to keep the "perfect" home etc. Telling myself to "just lighten up" is often easier said than done.

Anyway, I have a lot of homework to do. Thank you so very much for this wonderful resource. I have never been excited about helping myself, until now.