[Revu2]

I thought I'd share my process for working with debilitating doubt.

I first did some online research which led to a book of academic papers: The Handbook of the Uncertain Self. In there was an article that reminded me of the REBT—Rational Emotive Behavorial Therapy—tactic of disputing the limiting belief.

I have listed to myself about 6 doubts. For each doubt there are 4 types of disputing: functional, logical, empirical, and philosophical. But each doubt doesn't have to be addressed by each type.

I found a form on the REBT site and filled it in.

What irrational Belief do I want to Dispute and surrender?
Answer: Succeeding at living on my own terms is overwhelming.


Why is this Belief inaccurate?
Answer: !. I have Mobius Mode to use now. 2. I track myself daily on 42 Goals. 3. When I see or feel a buildup of activity I can ease off. 4. I've successfully limited my colds, etc. for years. I can apply the same of similar strategy to this. 5. A lot of what I carry are worries, rehearsals, and reprocessing events. Letting those go will offer more room to live and be free.


Does any evidence exist for the truth of my Belief?
Answer: Some, I've been overwhelmed by good feelings, and crashed. I've been overwhelmed and kept going because I felt excited, and made mistakes.


What is the worst that could happen if I don't get what I think I must have (or do get what I think I mustn't have)?
Answer: Staying away from going for IT!, from risking being overwhelmed, means I'll always feel I cut my chances short. I will feel that I might at least had tried.


What good things could I make happen if I don't get what I think I must have (or do get what I think I mustn't have)?
Answer: I could seek out sponsors, I could borrow funds and pay back, keeping local and quiet later, I could hire help, I could put help on retainer to be there on call.
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The last step that the REBT site doesn't call out is Energy for Action. I feel it. A bit. but it's there.

[Revu2]

Found PC's article on topic: Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy | Psych Central

What is belief: I doubt my self-cure of my mania will withstand contact with experience.

Why is this Belief inaccurate?
Well, since July when I got my mind fully wrapped around success-triggered mania (STM) I've worked really diligently to overcome it. I've connected a bit on PC, I've journaled, read a great deal, and imposed strict limits on my behaviors that are likely to contain any mania. I've felt close to manic, but managed to pull back. At the moment, I'm no where near manic. And as it needs specific personal successes, not likely to go there soon.

Does any evidence exist for the truth of my Belief?
Yes. But not a permanent truth. The counter fact is also sometimes true, that I do learn to stay within manageable limits. In fact, I enjoy limits, that can be the best spur to creativity.

What is the worst that could happen if I don't get what I think I must have (or do get what I think I mustn't have)?
What must I have? Contact with sanity? Awareness of self-in-action at crucial or pivotal times? Keen sense of the approach of dangerous internal states? And if I don't get this ... I've experienced the results. Not so pleasant, and long tedious recovery of most of the damage, but seldom all.
What good things could I make happen if I don't get what I think I must have (or do get what I think I mustn't have)?
If I don't get this mania protection a good might be I will keep at it. I could develop a method to eventually share with others if I can find my way to freedom. I could turn my attentions to things where success triggers never happen. Friends, reading.

Exit to Action: I must test my mental strength in small ways. Very small ways at first and reflect on my reactions.

So be it ... and so it is!

[hvert]

Thank you for posting this. I typed a long response a few days ago, but I guess I forgot to post it! I am definitely going to check out this process. I have some similar writing exercises that I find helpful.

[Revu2]

Hi Hvert,

Please recap as much as you can of your response. Or PM it to me if you want to dialogue off line.

[Revu2]

Getting to my Third doubt.
I am feeling better. Looser, and some of the old mental traps have sprung leaks. Keeping at this ...

What is belief: I doubt I will ever regain my edge.

Why is this Belief inaccurate?
Edges come from practice and performance. I've been practicing! And I used to perform, and I will again. Since my edge has returned repeatedly when I returned, this isn't a permanent thing. Plus a little uncertainty or stage fright is customary. If I didn't feel that I would be very worried.

Does any evidence exist for the truth of my Belief?
Of course, that's what it's an issue. Could be not a stark, have edge vs don't have edge thing. More likely it a sliding thing, more edge today, less edge tomorrow. Rising level of edge overall.

What is the worst that could happen if I don't get what I think I must have (or do get what I think I mustn't have)?
This is the big deal. I could lose time, money, and peace of mind chasing an edge that might play hard to get. I'd have to accept a less than joyous life, and permanently forgo doing some exciting things I want to accomplish before I die. I'll be sad, as I like to express my skills.

What good things could I make happen if I don't get what I think I must have (or do get what I think I mustn't have)?
I could divert my talents into helping others overcome what I did if I stall before reaching my final goals. Maybe they can. I could use the time freed up to other ends. I've don't this before, and hate it. My prime goals are prime because both the journey and the achieving of them mean something.

Exit to Action: There's something about this mix of annoyance and feelings of being frustrated that actually help me move forward. It sharpens my attention to a focus on getting out of this bind. It's uncomfortable. I'd like to work my way back to optimal functioning and shed this need to feel frustrated—replace it with a feeling of competence.

I think it is interesting that these feeling arise just with new territory, doing or trying to do something I personally want that I've not quite mastered. The question of edge doesn't come up when I'm making a sandwich, or facilitating a meeting.

So be it ... and so it is!

[Revu2]

This issue of Edge needs more time and space.

Feeling very uncomfortable, awoke keyed up and unhappy. I'm worried than in the process of transforming away from my (success-triggered) Mania I've dissolved whatever combo of states and actions that led to the success in the first place.

As I return to what I want to do, it feels like just the front part of my brain is working and the back sections are "off." Nothing gets a feeling of depth or importance, so making the clear decisions I need to succeed feel impossible. Each choice is the same. Before, at times, a good choice had a vivid contrast to all the others.

My scalp and head are itching. I guess this bring up a lot of shame, my shameful face wants to hide. My left eye wants to close shot—to not look at this so closely. There's an incipient headache. My breathing is shallow and noisy.

Here's my trilemma: a. my s-t Mania shattered my finances; b. my recovery may have ended the s-t Mania (yes!) but c. the changes I've made after all this effort could have left me incapable of restoring my finances.

Because I now recognize those Manic state and taken steps to insure they never revisit me, is the trade to accept permanent poverty?

There, I've written it out. I'm near tears. My hands twitch. My scalp crawls. My throat scratches. There's mucus in my nose. This feels like grief I've felt before for other reasons.

There's tear for 'why me." Another for 'I wish I'd known' I had this condition in my teens or 20s (times I can trace back now that I know what it is and how it worked and see it happening) when I had time to cope with it and a lifetime to enjoy from a saner place. Oh, god, all the good times, jobs, relationships, etc. shattered by this d*mn thing! A friend said, 'well, better to know at 60 than at 80.' I guess, but looking down that path of living 60 - 90 poor is no joy, either. At least in the wonderful USA cash economy.

I'm grabbing a tissue and will do a bit of grounding.

[Revu2]

Getting to my Fourth doubt
Attending Karla McLaren's talk on Empathy and follow-on workshop on Emotional Theater has been a tonic. Finding fresh connections being made in my thinking and where I find remedies.

What is belief: I doubt I can speak of this in public.

Why is this Belief inaccurate?
1) Public is too broad a term. I'm never going to shout my failures and mistakes from balconies! Who does. Public means friends, family, casual associates.
2) It's really none of their business. Literally. So there.

Does any evidence exist for the truth of my Belief?
I've been very quiet. This is about shame. I've done nothing wrong socially or legally. But I've tried to breach two deep limiting social questions: What made you think you're good enough? (mocking tone, almost rhetorical) Are you prepared enough to do this even if you had the talent?

Breach experiments are what sociologist call conscious efforts to try on new behaviors and witness the personal and social ripples. I didn't know that's what I'm was doing, but felt a need for tremendous confidence, will to get going, etc. before plunging in. All too vigorous or staccato, and thus the ripples were 'overwhelming.'

What is the worst that could happen if I don't get what I think I must have (or do get what I think I mustn't have)?
The best that can happen is I never speak of this in public! or private! or to self again!? The worse is someone takes it up who knows and starts to talk about it before I'm ready. So (1) the timing may not be in my hands. Reporting in official documents is a part of it, though bureaucrats don't know me, it's still rankles.

(2) I slip and "share too much" in some unplanned way to get sympathy from someone to make the hurt go away.

What good things could I make happen if I don't get what I think I must have (or do get what I think I mustn't have)?
When I'm ready I can choose to make this part of a workshop or article. When I'm ready.

Exit to Action: One action is interior. Look at the role of shame and fear going forward. Another is focus on public 'faces' and performance I have no fears about shouting from balconies.

So be it ... and so it is.

[Revu2]

Getting to my 5th doubt
Life being a stream and doubts are the boulders I have to navigate around, this process might prove endless. I have 6 original ones, and this is #5.

What is belief: I doubt I'll have the stamina and time.

Why is this Belief inaccurate?
Well, I'm making all sorts of time and attention now. I also am fairly alert to when I can press hard and when to ease back a bit.

Does any evidence exist for the truth of my Belief?
Well, yes, I've over-extended myself with dire consequences in the past. There's shame on this in the sense I should have seen it coming.

I think I'm a different person now, but experience moving forward will have to be my gauge.

What is the worst that could happen if I don't get what I think I must have (or do get what I think I mustn't have)?
I'll burn out or slip and wreck havoc trying to do too much at once.

What good things could I make happen if I don't get what I think I must have (or do get what I think I mustn't have)?
If I don't have the stamina? I'll be very, very sad. I guess I could pick up again, but wouldn't like to. I've started over so often. Gets old.

If I have stamina, whoohoo!

Exit to Action: Stamina comes from 'training.' In this context, when I find something that achieves good results with less effort, I will incorporate it into my routines so I can travel further with the same amount of lifeforce.

So be it ... and so it is.

[Revu2]

The creative process, hell—living, is full of doubts. Artists must forge their way through, and they leave us with their impressions of what's in store.

Martha Graham: There is not satisfaction whatsoever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest.

Somerset Maugham: There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

Henry James: We work in the dark, we do what we can, we give what we have. Our doubt is our passion and our passion is our task. The rest is the madness of art.

Bernard Cooper: I have kept these quotes at the ready not only for the sake of my students but because I've had to. Desperation is good for recall. Each of these quotes has sustained me, has served as a compass during those times I've found myself adrift. I figure, if these artist were stirred to make something fine and epigrammatic of their uncertainty, then uncertainty is a state every writer need to embrace. And doubt does have its secondary gains. It keeps you alert. It prevents complacency. If forces you to ask more questions that you can answer, which takes, it seems to me, some measure of courage. Doubt may even be a species of optimism, since it suggests that one is striving at all times to make ones work better.

From Bernard Cooper, "Demystifying the Writing Process," The Writer's Chronicle, 46:6, Summer 2014, p 108.

[Fuzzybear]