[Orvel]

My therapist gave me an assignment to identify my life values. She said that I have been trying to live by my fathers values and that every person should have their own values.

I have a problem with this. All the "guides" I found on the internet just said "think about the part of your life when you were the happiest... what did you do then that made you happy?". Well I am 25 years old, I have an anxiety disorder and have been avoiding life.

How the hell do I do this ?

Edit: I am not sure if this is the appropriate subforum for this.

[CANDC]

Sounds like a good forum to discuss this.

Maybe you could identify your father and mother's values first if that is easier.

Then go down the list and start your own list where your values are different than parent's values.

The following articles may offer to shed some light on the process.
Psych Central - Search results for identify my life values

One example
Parents say: You should spend your life in whatever job you get to make a living even if you hate it.

Child: You should do work that is meaningful and an expression of the inner heart.

That is one value difference just as an example.

[Orvel]

Originally Posted by CANDC

Sounds like a good forum to discuss this.

Maybe you could identify your father and mother's values first if that is easier.

Then go down the list and start your own list where your values are different than parent's values.

The following articles may offer to shed some light on the process.
Psych Central - Search results for identify my life values

One example
Parents say: You should spend your life in whatever job you get to make a living even if you hate it.

Child: You should do work that is meaningful and an expression of the inner heart.

That is one value difference just as an example.

Thank you for the reply. By giving the example you reminded me of something.

It is difficult for me to take an interest in the work I don't like. Currently I work for my parents in the business I have little interest in. I always thought that I can do what I love on the side and that I would eventually find a way to get money out of it so that I can say "I will run this now", but that is difficult to do. My whole family on the other hand can do anything. My sister didn't choose her college because she didn't know what to pick. So father picked Management and Economics for her... something appropriate for the business.

[H3rmit]

The book in the sticky thread at top of this forum has a major section on values:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/self...l-setting.html

I've been working on that myself.

[CANDC]

Originally Posted by Orvel

Thank you for the reply. By giving the example you reminded me of something.

It is difficult for me to take an interest in the work I don't like. Currently I work for my parents in the business I have little interest in. I always thought that I can do what I love on the side and that I would eventually find a way to get money out of it so that I can say "I will run this now", but that is difficult to do. My whole family on the other hand can do anything. My sister didn't choose her college because she didn't know what to pick. So father picked Management and Economics for her... something appropriate for the business.

It sounds like your parents are helicopter parents always hovering and taking control. If that is true do you think that could be affecting your interest in work?

[Orvel]

Originally Posted by CANDC

It sounds like your parents are helicopter parents always hovering and taking control. If that is true do you think that could be affecting your interest in work?

My father is a "control freak" and that's it. My therapist said the same thing and I believe it is possible, but I am not sure.

[hvert]

It sounds like one thing you value might be independence. Control over your own life. Self determination.

[Orvel]

Originally Posted by hvert

It sounds like one thing you value might be independence. Control over your own life. Self determination.

Well, it's also possible that I want to do the opposite of what my parents want. It's really difficult to differentiate these two things.

[CANDC]

Originally Posted by Orvel

Well, it's also possible that I want to do the opposite of what my parents want. It's really difficult to differentiate these two things.

It is also possible that both are true, what you want is opposite to what your parents want.

[Orvel]

Originally Posted by CANDC

It is also possible that both are true, what you want is opposite to what your parents want.

Yes that's also a possibility. My T said that things will sort out as time passes by and that values will be clearer to me when my "self" gets out. I am uncertain about this.

[CANDC]

Originally Posted by Orvel

Yes that's also a possibility. My T said that things will sort out as time passes by and that values will be clearer to me when my "self" gets out. I am uncertain about this.

The self the therapist may be talking about is the conditioned self left over from childhood. When that gets out of the way the experience of life in my opinion is fuller.

[hvert]

Values are changeable and can even conflict. I'm having a hard time coming up with a good example - but let's say that I value keeping my word. I have plans with a friend, but I come across a dog running in a busy road. I also value animal life. Even though I value both, I have to choose one or the other: help the dog and be late or be on time and leave the dog alone.

[Orvel]

Originally Posted by hvert

Values are changeable and can even conflict. I'm having a hard time coming up with a good example - but let's say that I value keeping my word. I have plans with a friend, but I come across a dog running in a busy road. I also value animal life. Even though I value both, I have to choose one or the other: help the dog and be late or be on time and leave the dog alone.

I guess some values have higher priorities than others.

[ladytiger]

Glad this came up. My "parents" values are so terrible I wasn't allowed to form my own and what I believe this is what my social worker and I have been discussing.

[Go me]

If you have anxiety, it sounds to me like perhaps one of your values is safety and comfort. One of the ways I help myself feel comfortable is by keeping a pretty steady routine. You can also notice your values by things you DONT like. I don't like the idea of skydiving. I value things being predictable in my life because that makes me feel comfortable.

Most people have many values at the same time. They generally are: safety and comfort, fun, togetherness with other people (love), personal growth & challenge, to feel significant or special, and making a difference. Most people value all of these things to differing degrees at different times. There is no right or wrong answer. Perhaps what your T meant was for you to consider what you want... Rather than simply going along with what your parents want for you. Parents generally mean well but you are the only one who can know what makes you happy and what doesn't.

[JoeS21]

Originally Posted by Orvel

My therapist gave me an assignment to identify my life values. She said that I have been trying to live by my fathers values and that every person should have their own values.

I have a problem with this. All the "guides" I found on the internet just said "think about the part of your life when you were the happiest... what did you do then that made you happy?". Well I am 25 years old, I have an anxiety disorder and have been avoiding life.

How the hell do I do this ?

Edit: I am not sure if this is the appropriate subforum for this.

An exercise that works for some people is to watch for moments when others characterize you in some way, OR identify you as being in some category.

Then,
1. Practice NOTICING when another person characterizes or categorizes you in some way.

2. Take note of those moments, and then decide how YOU would prefer to be characterized and identified in those moments.

This is an exercise of separating others perspectives and values from your own, and in becoming aware of YOUR preferences.