[Indie'sOK]

Hi everyone,
I'm new here, though not to this website. I joined to learn more about self-injury. See, this is my problem:

I've been cutting myself for a little over a month. It started out with a couple of scratches with a pair of scissors. Then I found a razor, took one of the blades out, and have been using it ever since. Since this time, I've started counseling. We've tried to find things I could do instead of cutting, but it seems like I find a reason why each activity wouldn't work. Another thought I've been having, and it is something that I worry about, is that it seems like I don't even care if I get better. It's almost like I enjoy this whole process, for whatever messed-up reason. Shouldn't I want to get better? I think it's because I know that I'll miss talking to someone when I end counseling.

This all sounds confusing to me. Does this make sense? Has anyone gone through something like this before?

[Christina86]

Hi IndieSoul! Welcome.

It makes sense... and it sounds pretty normal for someone dealing with self injury. Sometimes we don't get to the point of wanting to quit for a while unfortunately.

[fallenangel337]

What Christina said is very true. It is unfortunate, but that's how it is sometimes. Also, like me, at times you may get torn between wanting to quit, and still wanting the familiarity that SI brings. It's a vicious process, and it's hard as hell to work with, but quitting is possible.

And welcome to PC.

[skeksi]

Stopping my self-harm has been a confusing process. I have learned alternative strategies from my counselor, but it has been a back-and-forth process of learning to trust and rely on them. Don't pressure yourself too much, especially so early on in the therapy. Self-harm becomes a habit for complicated reasons, and so the healing from it is complicated, too. It sounds like you are doing great, thinking hard.

[DoggyBonz]

Originally Posted by IndieSoul

Hi everyone,
...I find a reason why each activity wouldn't work. Another thought I've been having, and it is something that I worry about, is that it seems like I don't even care if I get better.

First - welcome to the site - I'm happy that you took the time to post and talk about what is going on. You are making complete sense.

For me it's so much easier to believe that I don't care about getting better, but when I stop and realize the "suffering" I'm in I wonder if there is another way b/c it sucks to get to the point of SI'ing and then dealing with the self hatred after.

Cutting is a reaction, it's not a choice. I just don't think you were bored one day and thought maybe I'll start hurting myself. Something deeper is going on and you took it out on yourself. The great news is that you got into therapy to start working on you and your reactions.

I don't think you need to be so hard on yourself about having a hard time finding other ways. Cutting is addictive physically and mentally so it may take some time.

It's almost like I enjoy this whole process, for whatever messed-up reason. Shouldn't I want to get better? I think it's because I know that I'll miss talking to someone when I end counseling.

Wow, I can totally relate to that. I talked to my therapist about that, I was kinda ashamed of feeling that way but I thought I was scared of getting better b/c I would lose the relationship. Here is the thing, just b/c I stop the behavior does not mean that I am "cured". It's learning to live with new behaviors. I think when it is time there will be a comfort level and you'll want to. I know for me, my T was great about reassuring me that it's normal to feel this way.

This all sounds confusing to me. Does this make sense? Has anyone gone through something like this before?

Just asking the questions you are tells me that you want to get better. It takes a lot of courage to admit to that. I hope that you talk to your T about it also.