Long post. Trigger.

Pup · Jul 11, 2009, 05:42 PM

I am contemplating whether I should even stay here anymore.
A lot of crap has gone down within the past few days, rather day, and I'm so tired of it.
I'm so tired of a lot of crap going on right now.
I'm posting in here because well...

I want to cut myself.
I want to drink.
I want to purge.
I want to starve.

Into oblivion.
Yes, oblivion.
No, that does not mean I am suicidal.
I don't mean the oblivion where you die.
I mean the oblivion where you are so deep in something, you just don't give a damn about anything.
You just care about that next drink, that next cut, that next time you shove your fingers down your throat, that next release.

I am on the verge of collapsing into all of this, and everything is triggering off, not just all of this self harm.

I do have receptive language difficulties and I doubt that will ever stop being a difficulty of mine, yet here I am, trying so hard on them, have been for ages now.
I do have difficulties with posting for support and also accepting it.
My walls tend to slam up, I get defensive, angry, hostile, volatile, scared...
Typical me.

Just a pre warning.
However, I've been doing better with it until some crud went down and now it seems my efforts are just completely pointless and overlooked.

Whatever though.

I guess I need someone right now.
And it's weird.
As soon as someone tries to come in, the door slams.
I don't know why.
I don't know.

I guess I'm feeling extremely fragile right now and very vulnerable.
I'm feeling unsafe and very triggered off.

Why am I posting?
I don't know.

All I know is things are bad and I'm feeling bad and here I am, posting about it.

phoenix7 · Jul 11, 2009, 10:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pupp

I am contemplating whether I should even stay here anymore.

you should cos I have seen you grow here and thats good

A lot of crap has gone down within the past few days, rather day, and I'm so tired of it.
Im sorry you are struggling

I'm so tired of a lot of crap going on right now.
I'm posting in here because well...

I want to cut myself.
I want to drink.
I want to purge.
I want to starve.

Into oblivion.
Yes, oblivion.
No, that does not mean I am suicidal.
I don't mean the oblivion where you die.
I mean the oblivion where you are so deep in something, you just don't give a damn about anything.
You just care about that next drink, that next cut, that next time you shove your fingers down your throat, that next release.

I am on the verge of collapsing into all of this, and everything is triggering off, not just all of this self harm.

I do understand how that feels -

but it only puts off the pain.... and numbness which can follow is always followed by more pain....

I do have receptive language difficulties and I doubt that will ever stop being a difficulty of mine, yet here I am, trying so hard on them, have been for ages now.

I see that you are really trying - you are doing so well just for posting

I do have difficulties with posting for support and also accepting it.

My walls tend to slam up, I get defensive, angry, hostile, volatile, scared...
Typical me.
Just a pre warning.

but you have that insight and that can help with the healing my friend try leaving a little while before you reply to a post or - maybe read it a few times - that may help
However, I've been doing better with it until some crud went down and now it seems my efforts are just completely pointless and overlooked.

no they arnt - you did better - you said so yourself and you can do better again - you can take what you learned form before and use it now and in the future - i try to learn somthing form anybad thing that happens to me - I look hard -

Whatever though.

I guess I need someone right now.
And it's weird.
As soon as someone tries to come in, the door slams.
I don't know why.
I don't know.

I think you answer this question yourself below - good on you for realising it and reaching out

I guess I'm feeling extremely fragile right now and very vulnerable.
I'm feeling unsafe and very triggered off.

Why am I posting?
I don't know.
All I know is things are bad and I'm feeling bad and here I am, posting about it.

you are reaching out and that is a brave thing to do - you are recognising you have a need and letting others know so they can offer a hand or sit with you - sitting with you ok

Pup · Jul 11, 2009, 10:33 PM

thank you.
*sits down and sits with you quietly*

Christina86 · Jul 11, 2009, 10:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pupp

I am contemplating whether I should even stay here anymore. May I be honest here, and say I've asked myself the same thing? Yes, sometimes "staying" someplace is painful, but it's usually worth it...
A lot of crap has gone down within the past few days, rather day, and I'm so tired of it. ((((((((((Pupp)))))))))))) Take time out for you, we all need time to recharge after a bunch of crappy days.
I'm so tired of a lot of crap going on right now.
I'm posting in here because well...

I want to cut myself. Please don't.
I want to drink. Alcohol will only numb the pain and feelings, but it won't fix it. (Take it from my personal experience with misusing alcohol)
I want to purge. (((Pupp))))) Please don't. I know dealing with multiple addictions is freaking hard and unfair, but please don't hurt yourself. You deserve better than that.
I want to starve. Don't starve. Don't faint. Don't restrict. Try to take care of your body - because YOU ARE IMPORTANT. YOU'RE WORTH IT (YWI)

Into oblivion.
Yes, oblivion.
No, that does not mean I am suicidal. I'm glad you're not.
I don't mean the oblivion where you die.
I mean the oblivion where you are so deep in something, you just don't give a damn about anything. You want to be in the place of "nothingness" of unfeeling and no emotions. You want to cease to exist, but not to kill yourself. You want to turn off your brain, turn off your emotions and just STOP everything. Apathy and not caring about anything is a kind of scary place to be, it's like you feel that you're not real or existing... it's not fun to come out of either.
You just care about that next drink, that next cut, that next time you shove your fingers down your throat, that next release. Chasing the feelings and the release and wanting the pain to just STOP.

I am on the verge of collapsing into all of this, and everything is triggering off, not just all of this self harm.

I do have receptive language difficulties and I doubt that will ever stop being a difficulty of mine, yet here I am, trying so hard on them, have been for ages now. I'm glad you're trying... dealing with any sort of disability or difficulty relating to cognitive stuff is freaking hard... don't give up, it IS a part of you but it isn't YOU. It just makes everything else more difficult though, eh?
I do have difficulties with posting for support and also accepting it. Some people do... I don't asking for help myself. Especially IRL. I actually get so angry when people assume I need help when I don't feel I do... and then I sometimes wind up ticked off when In realize I actually sometimes actually DO need help. Not always, but sometimes. Online environments are hard to navigate, it's hard to make a place your "home" and to feel comfortable posting. Yes, I've been here for like what... 3+ years now? I still sometimes feel uncomfortable posting about my issues!!
My walls tend to slam up, I get defensive, angry, hostile, volatile, scared...
Typical me.

Just a pre warning.
However, I've been doing better with it until some crud went down and now it seems my efforts are just completely pointless and overlooked.

Whatever though.

I guess I need someone right now. Needing someone is normal.
And it's weird. It DOES feel weird though, and a bit unsettling.
As soon as someone tries to come in, the door slams. > That means you're pretty normal dear... honest. Some of us have had our boundaries all squished to mush and then we're not sure about letting people get close to us. It's easier to keep people away then to let them in and risk being hurt.
I don't know why.
I don't know.

I guess I'm feeling extremely fragile right now and very vulnerable.
I'm feeling unsafe and very triggered off.

Not a pleasant feeling, but it will pass. Take care of YOU in the meantime though, do something "self soothing", any sort of POSITIVE NON HARMING/HARMFUL coping mechanism. (Yes, I put that in capitals. I do know that it's hard to keep yourself safe sometimes... but do try to actually do something GOOD for you, and not something you'll regret later. Please do try.

Why am I posting?
I don't know.

All I know is things are bad and I'm feeling bad and here I am, posting about it.

((((((((((((((((Pupp)))))))))))))))))

Posting about stuff is what the board is all about. I don't know if anything I said is useful or not... but I do kinda understand where you're coming from. I mean, I don't have exactly the same "issues" (I hate that word) as you do... but I can sympathize.

Please don't turn away or leave. You DO a lot of good here for lots of people. I know it because I've seen it.

Pup · Jul 11, 2009, 10:54 PM

damn Christi, lemmi reply to all the little bits now.
wait give me some time please.

Pup · Jul 11, 2009, 11:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Christina86

May I be honest here, and say I've asked myself the same thing? Yes, sometimes "staying" someplace is painful, but it's usually worth it...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Christina86

I know it’s worth it, but it feels sometimes like it really isn’t and that no matter what... I just cant win...

((((((((((Pupp)))))))))))) Take time out for you, we all need time to recharge after a bunch of crappy days.

But it’s been a bunch of crappy weeks...months...years... but the past few months have been so crud...past few weeks...cruder...past few days...cruderest!

Please don't.

Why not? Cutting urges are getting so bad... just feel so bad like doing it.

Alcohol will only numb the pain and feelings, but it won't fix it. (Take it from my personal experience with misusing alcohol)

I know, I’ve been there, done that, still wanna do it... still wanna drink myself into a numb state... I don’t know...sorry...

(((Pupp))))) Please don't. I know dealing with multiple addictions is freaking hard and unfair, but please don't hurt yourself. You deserve better than that.

See, if I don’t eat...won’t need to purge...then again, saying that, I used to purge even if I wasn’t eating, it was painful needless to say...but that’s what I deserve, right? I’m a bad person, after all. Bad mind, bad personality, bad heart, bad everything.

Don't starve. Don't faint. Don't restrict. Try to take care of your body - because YOU ARE IMPORTANT. YOU'RE WORTH IT (YWI)

I’m really not though... I wanna starve...restrict...no, even eating is too bad, it’s getting real hard to fight so much crud at the same time, and I’m scared, but also wanting to just do all this stuff and fade away into it...

You want to be in the place of "nothingness" of unfeeling and no emotions. You want to cease to exist, but not to kill yourself. You want to turn off your brain, turn off your emotions and just STOP everything. Apathy and not caring about anything is a kind of scary place to be, it's like you feel that you're not real or existing... it's not fun to come out of either.

Yeah, I guess I do wanna be in a place of nothingness. I sorta do feel already apathy a lot of the time, but then it hits me hard when I do feel. It might hurt other people, lose them...and I'm so scared of that, but part of me is just...overwhelmed by so many emotions, so many thoughts, images, impulses, urges, temptations, it’s SO overwhelming, I don’t know how much more I can cope with it all...

Chasing the feelings and the release and wanting the pain to just STOP.

Yes. Pretty much one main reason why...

I'm glad you're trying... dealing with any sort of disability or difficulty relating to cognitive stuff is freaking hard... don't give up, it IS a part of you but it isn't YOU. It just makes everything else more difficult though, eh?

Bad as it is to say, it feels like all of my “labels” are me... like they define me... I don’t know...but yes, it is freaking hard but I am trying hard here... to change a lot, not just this, and I'm struggling with it...

Some people do... I don't asking for help myself. Especially IRL. I actually get so angry when people assume I need help when I don't feel I do... and then I sometimes wind up ticked off when In realize I actually sometimes actually DO need help. Not always, but sometimes. Online environments are hard to navigate, it's hard to make a place your "home" and to feel comfortable posting. Yes, I've been here for like what... 3+ years now? I still sometimes feel uncomfortable posting about my issues!!

I’m sorry you feel it, too... I get angry and push people away a lot of the time and it takes a lot for me to talk about it, walls and all... you can always talk to me...

Needing someone is normal.

Needing someone is normal? Well, I guess so. But I need someone to the point of it not being normal and being very clingy and very attached, like I am to someone already, but I do need someone, but it’s bad because I push them away when they take a step through the door...

That means you're pretty normal dear... honest. Some of us have had our boundaries all squished to mush and then we're not sure about letting people get close to us. It's easier to keep people away then to let them in and risk being hurt.

Maybe... I don’t know...

Not a pleasant feeling, but it will pass. Take care of YOU in the meantime though, do something "self soothing", any sort of POSITIVE NON HARMING/HARMFUL coping mechanism. (Yes, I put that in capitals. I do know that it's hard to keep yourself safe sometimes... but do try to actually do something GOOD for you, and not something you'll regret later. Please do try.

Self soothing? Like what? I don’t know what to do... I not know.

Thanks you Christi.
I think will try zzz’ing in a bit... sleepy... want to sleep rather than be awake anywho...

((((((((((((((((Pupp)))))))))))))))))

Thank you...

Posting about stuff is what the board is all about. I don't know if anything I said is useful or not... but I do kinda understand where you're coming from. I mean, I don't have exactly the same "issues" (I hate that word) as you do... but I can sympathize.

I appreciate it. It feels nice knowing I'm being heard and at least can be understood to an extent at least. It was useful, by the way... very useful, and very long too! So thank you.

Please don't turn away or leave. You DO a lot of good here for lots of people. I know it because I've seen it.

Thank you for saying so... I don't know though... It just seems I make it worse here...

Thank you again...

Jul 12, 2009, 12:40 AM

Pupp we hear you and are thinking of you. Please keep trying; you're doing well reaching out.

Ya , you are ...You're doing great! We'll sit with you if ok...

Pup · Jul 12, 2009, 01:03 AM

please do sit with me...
thank you...

phoenix7 · Jul 12, 2009, 07:05 AM

stil checkingin to see how you are on and off - hoping you can get some rest - sleep makes things a bit better somtimes - off to bed now - night night Pupp - take care P7

Jul 12, 2009, 02:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pupp

please do sit with me...
thank you...

We're still sitting with ya Pupp!! How'bout some

and

?

Raven

Fuzzybear · 03:31 PM

Here with you, you're not alone in having receptive language difficulties - online its particularly hard sometimes. - and difficulties with posting for support, all those old ugly ^tapes^ about how "worthless" we were, for me anyway

I like how you express yourself in more than a few words (like I do... my trust issues,,...)
Good thoughts to you

susan888 · Jul 12, 2009, 04:49 PM

(((Pupp)))

Please be OK...you are a special person and I am grateful for the support you have given me. I am thinking of you and sending you good thoughts sweetie!

phoenix7 · Jul 12, 2009, 06:46 PM

Goood morning - I hope you got some rest and are feeling a bit better - let us know how you are going ok

Rohag · Jul 12, 2009, 10:27 PM

*sits down to listen and consider*

Pup · Jul 13, 2009, 06:23 AM

thank you everyone... i appreciate the replies and the words and sitting down with me...

yes, online it is particularly harder with the difficulties, but i really am trying... im glad im not alone and people can understand and relate with this and understand.

i stayed up for around 29 or so hours, then slept all night woke up a few times and just woke up about an hour-half hour ago. im so tired still. i took a sleeping med to help me settle down and sleep through. but it makes you drowsy the next day. cant take it every night though, only every other night. but i did get some sleep thankfully.

thank you everyone so much. i really do appreciate it. and yes, id like some music and a drink. i have blackcurrant here. *drinks and sits down with it with everyone, sharing it*

Fuzzybear · Jul 13, 2009, 10:46 AM

Yes, it doesn't make you a bad person if you sometimes get things wrong online....... in fact I dont think anyone knows anyone else really until they have known them IRL for YEARS. (as in being close friends IRL for years) In other cases projection rears its ugly head way too often..
jmo

Pup · Jul 13, 2009, 10:55 AM

well its not about knowing them, its just about understanding whats been said and interpreting whats been said and absorbing it and stuff. and the other difficulties with my walls coming up and closing up and getting hostile/volatile/emotional/defensive and stuff...it seems i cant control these emotions...its really bad sometimes...so i feel im just some screw up a lot.

anyway... still wanna hurt self, some urges are worse than others right now.
:s

Pup · Jul 13, 2009, 10:57 AM

and also, i trust someone on here and they are a dad to me and i trust them more than anyone else... so thats a bit wrong to me, and i dont agree, because i know some people very well on the "internet world" but yeah...

Jul 13, 2009, 05:29 PM

It's hard enough to understand what is being said in person, sometimes...never mind online, where you can't see the emotion or intent behind the words. The important thing is, you re trying. No one gets it right, all the time. I know about how walls work too and they can be a help or a huge pain in the rear.

Fuzzybear · Jul 13, 2009, 05:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Calista+12

It's hard enough to understand what is being said in person, sometimes...never mind online, where you can't see the emotion or intent behind the words. The important thing is, you re trying. No one gets it right, all the time. I know about how walls work too and they can be a help or a huge pain in the rear.

Fuzzybear · Jul 13, 2009, 05:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pupp

well its not about knowing them, its just about understanding whats been said and interpreting whats been said and absorbing it and stuff. and the other difficulties with my walls coming up and closing up and getting hostile/volatile/emotional/defensive and stuff...it seems i cant control these emotions...its really bad sometimes...so i feel im just some screw up a lot.

anyway... still wanna hurt self, some urges are worse than others right now.
:s

yep i do "get" that (as i often do, i screwed up with my reply ...)

phoenix7 · Jul 13, 2009, 08:47 PM

Pup · Jul 13, 2009, 08:49 PM

so...i purged today...bad mistake...my health is worse now...my mind is a mess still...great.

deliquesce · Jul 14, 2009, 08:00 AM

(((((pupp)))))

it's ok that you purged today. it's something that has happened, it is ok. obviously, for your own health, i would think it would be nice if you did not do it again, but sometimes we just do what we can to get through the day.

what i'm trying to say is - please don't beat yourself up further for purging. it's punishment enough that you are hurt, and that you hurt yourself more by purging, without also having to hurt yourself again with guilt for having purged!!

i have not read through all the posts in this thread, and to be honest i dont really know what has been going on in your world lately. i have been flitting in and out of PC myself because i've been in my own sort of head space too. means a lot of my pms have gone unanswered. but want you to still know i have a special place for you in my heart

.

also - your first post in this thread is amazing. im so proud of you for posting that - expressing yourself so clearly, being vulnerable, explaining how you also clam up - just the whole thing. that's some mighty growth, girl!! i'm so happy you have come so far, and i have so much faith that you will continue to make leaps and bounds in getting where you would like to be.

take care sweetie. lots of people care about you on here and dont want you to leave, myself included.

phoenix7 · Jul 14, 2009, 08:16 AM

im sorry that happened Pupp, but it happened and the thing to do now as Deli said is NOT beat yourself up about it - you did the best you could at the time and thats all anyone can ask ok

please take care of you - still here sitting with you friend

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