[Hope4me2]

This past Fridays session went really BAD with my T and hubby. Hubby told me something that hurt me bad and my T sided with me but at the time I could not see or feel anything but PAIN. So I ran out of the room. After throwing up and wiping my face I went to go back in and I heard them both laughing from the other side of the door. I was FUELED again. I HATED them both and wanted to get out of there so BAD. I did not go back in and sat outside for them to come out.
My hubby and I came straight home afterwards and did not talk any about it all weekend. Not because he did not want to because I OVER medicated myself and slept all weekend. Sometimes at 10 hrs at a time. I just needed to get away from the PAIN. I know it was wrong but at least I did not take the whole bottle like I wanted too at one point.
I went to my T today by myself for my appt alone and told him how I felt on Friday and how much I wanted to end it all this weekend and he said why didn't you call. Well HOW could I call someone who I thought was against me too? Man was I wrong, there I went again, putting the one and only person that has ever cared for me in the BAD room with everyone else that treats me wrong.
Man I am so screwed in the head right now. We talked for a LONG time and I felt a little bit better afterwards. I did not tell him that I cut really bad this weekend when I was awake and burn myself too. He just told me what he told my hubby about me walking out and how that had to feel to me. He told my hubby that I had to feel like I did not even EXIST right now. Of course he could not tell me about what my hubby said. I understand that....DO NOT LIKE IT but understand it...
I just did not feel like I exist at all to my husband. He says he cares for me and that I am important to him but he does not treat me that way. Sometimes he acts more like a strick dad to me then a husband and how can you get close and intimate with a father figure....UGH
My T wants me to talk to him tonight and tell him how I feel but I couldnt so I failed again. I am a BIG failure..........BIG screw up......Cannot sleep tonight.....feeling so lonely.....Want to cut....want to just sleep and never wake up and have him feel some pain.....
Anyone know the new country song " How do you get that lonely" well it is my new theme song. Boy could I tell that guy a thing or two.....well we all could I guess....
I told my T today it is not fair that all my hubby has to do is say he is sorry and his job is done and my pain continues....even after I chose to forgive him.....he said that is true unforuately and not fair at all.
I just LOVE my T so much....today is one of those days I could have used a HUG from him........but NO he has a no hug policy just handshakes............guess I should be grateful for that and go hug that pillow he is letting me have until I graduate therapy.
Sorry for rambling....at least I cant get accused of highjacking this is my OWN post.....

[TheOrganicAngel]

(((((((Hope)))))))

I'm so sorry to hear of your bad day. Life can be pretty crappy sometimes, I know. But hear me, don't give up. There is so much to live for, despite the rough patches. All dark storms must eventually pass, and the sun waits patiently behind them. You may not feel like it right now, but deep inside you know you are strong. Each problem we face makes us a little stronger, and you are no exception. Others love you, and you must love yourself. You are worthy of love, and always will be.

Stay safe and stay focused. We are all here for you, and will continue to support you every single day. Take care.

~Alexiel