How I got to be this screwed up...

I have no idea what triggers other people or not... but I'm going to talk about what happened to me... as much as I can so read at your own discretion.

How I got screwed up...

So when I was like 3-4 years old, I was being baby-sat by my mom's best friend. She had a son just a month or so older than I. According to my baby books we played well together. Anyway, one day... and honestly I don't know how old I was. He tells me to come play in his big sister's room. I told him I didn't want to. (I knew we weren't supposed to be playing in his sister's room). He wanted to show me a stupid bowling toy... where you wind up the ball (it had little feet) and it would waddle down to the plastic pins & knock them down.

He told me to jump on the bed with him - I told him I didn't want to. (we're not supposed to jump on the bed). He tells me to play 'Boxer' with him... you know punch each other and pretend to box. I told him I didn't want to. I don't know what I did want to do - but I didn't want to be in his sister's room jumping on the bed pretending to hit each other.

He tells me that boxers fight in their shorts - so we have to take off our clothes. And he procedes to strip down to underwear. I told him I didn't want to. He said I could just take off my shirt - so I did. He told me that boxers have to hug before they start fighting - so we do. And we 'box' for a while. Then he tells me that he wants to show me something in the closet... but I don't want to see anything in the closet. He says I just have to come in for a minute.

He has a flashlight (I think- I can't totally remember) and he wants me to look at his 'thing'. I don't want to look at it - so I keep my eyes closed. He tells me to touch it. But I don't want to touch it. So he grabs my hand and makes me. I pull back. I get out of the closet, and crouch on the side of the bed. I hear his mom coming down the hall. He comes out of the closet as I'm struggling to put on my turtle neck.

His mom comes in - yelling. We're not supposed to be playing in his sister's room. She sees him in his underwear... he's not supposed to be running around in his underwear. She slaps him on the back - HARD and he cries. I've got my shirt on. I follow them out of the room. I didn't get in trouble.

He's just a kid. God knows where he learned that kind of behavior. He didn't know any better. But I did... and I didn't want to do any of it.

Later that day we go to K-mart. We got our pictures taken (I don't remember this). On the way home - either with the baby sitter or my Mom - I don't remember which. They notice that my shirt is on backwards, and ask how that happened. I panic and turn it around - I don't say a word. I don't want to get in trouble.
So now I have a picture of myself... the day I got molested - smiling in my backwards turtleneck.

The Irony.
I'm in high school - in a new state. I'm talking to my mom about my baby nephew, and daycare. She asks if I remember the So & So family. I don't. She tells me where they lived (in the city where I grew up), just up the street from where I grew up. "I don't remember the house". She describes the house - just a block or two from our old house. "I don't remember it". "Anyway" she says - they were my baby sitters at the time. She says that when I was that age (2-3?) I'd started regressing in behavior. She took me to the doctor to find out what was wrong. Diagnosis - I'd been 'traumatized' or witnessed something traumatic. My mother's response was to immediatelly withdraw me from daycare in the So & So family's home... and sent me to be baby-sat by her best friend, and her son who's just about my age. I'm in shock. I've just been told that I was "traumatized" even before I was molested. And in an instant I remember the house... it was just a block up from ours. It was a blue house... I can see the back yard. I have a vague image of a TV inside. I remember sitting on my tricycle in the driveway looking out at my two older sisters standing in the street. That's all. I was speechless... I didn't know what to say. I think I managed to say once more "I don't remember that" before my mom and I continued our errands. We never talked about it again.

How do I tell my mom that her effort to keep me safe didn't work?

Later... I don't know when. I remember a vague image of sitting on my bed in my bedroom. I'm three? Younger? My sister is cowering on the floor and my father is beating her with a shoe (slipper?). She's screaming & crying... he's yelling at her. I don't know what's going on. Is this what traumatized me? Is this memory even real? I have no idea.

I never really talked to anyone about any of this. I get too upset, too confused... I don't know if this is why I'm so screwed up or not.

But it wasn't the last time.

In high school - I'm dating a guy. He's not that great to me... but he's a boyfriend, and he gets me out of the house. My father was never physically abusive to me... but my family was dysfunctional enough that anything was better than having to stay home in it. Even going out with a boy who wasn't very good to me. I'd set boundaries... he'd push them. I'd defend them. I didn't enjoy making out with him very much - but at least it was attention... and again, better than being at home. My boyfriend lies a lot... about stupid things... I don't know why he does it.

One day, we're at a friend's house. My boyfriend and I are wrestling around on the ground. I never like this... but get into a mindset where I just need to struggle against him. I can't ask him to let me up - I have to fight him. For god knows what reason my friend pulls out a set of hand-cuffs... you know - for 'fun'. My boyfriend tries to hand-cuff me. I struggle.

I can't say anything, I just know I have to fight him. He's bigger than I am.... and stronger... but I'm wiley... I squirm this way and that. I grab one of the hand-cuffs so he can't get it around my wrist. Eventually he does though. And he holds my arms over my head. "Give me a kiss and I'll let you up" I can't speak. I just pull my arms.... try to squirm out of the cuffs. "Kiss me and I'll let you go"... I can't do it. I can't admit defeat. Eventually he lets me up. I won't ask him to take the cuffs off me. I go hide out in the bathroom. I spend several minutes folding my hands up, trying to slide my hands through the cuffs... I rub my wrists raw... scraping the skin off with the metal. But I got them off. And returned to the living room. Silent... sullen. I didn't enjoy this game. "Forgive me?" he asks. I stare at him "whatever". We date for several more weeks - until he sleeps with another girl while I'm at church camp.

That's not the end of my 'bad luck' with boys.... but it's all I can handle typing right now. This is why I'm so screwed up. But I can't even talk about it with my therapist. I try sometimes... but I just freeze up... no words come out. I don't know if I'm ever going to get over any of this.

((((((( HUGS )))))))) ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))

It sound as though you have started your journey to HEALING.... your mind and body is now ready to release the secrets that have kept you a prisoner with in our own memories, or at least the forgotten ones.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Yes.. this is the beginning of your healing and it can be a long journey so take your time, go easy on yourself... the talking will happen when you are ready. and it will happen in small doses that you can handle too.

The good thing is that once you do experience healing.. you won't feel so screwed up anymore... you will have a better outlook on life in general.

I know this.. I am just beginning to experience healing myself and already I can feel the burden of shame and self-loathing and guilt being lifted from me.

Keep on talking..

Thanks for the encouragement. I'm in a very uncertain place right now. Part of me just wants to vomit out everything crappy that I've kept inside for so long, but part of me is afraid to. Afraid that if I do, no one will care, that it won't make me feel any better, that people will think I'm overreacting, etc etc etc etc. And everything is really upsetting when I really stop to think about it. I was really really messed up for a long time... and have gotten into messed up relationships... and it's like abuse just keeps popping up in my life in different ways. Any one thing doesn't seem so bad, but it just keeps happening over and over and over. And I just want it all to stop.

hey rebel74. hang out here for a while and you will feel less alone. that has helped me tons. also, try to give yourself all the room you need to heal and recover yourself. breath, breath, breath, then breath some more. Healing is a process not an event.

HI IM 21 AND GOT DISGNOSED WITH POST NATEL DEPRESSION 4MTHS AGO I NOW KNOW WHY IM SO SCREWED UP BECAUSE OF MY CHILDHOOD
MEMORIES BUT ONLY FROM ONE PERSON AND IM TELLING YOU I FEEL SICK, IVE GOT HEADACE, EACACE, STOMACHACE,MY LEGS FEEL OFF BALACE, I DIDNT KNOW RIGHT FROM WRONG I KNOW NOW AND I DONT NEED TO RUN ANYMORE I CARNT REMEMBER IN DETAIL, BUT I KNOW WHAT IM FEELING IS WRONG, IVE NEVER HAD A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS PERSON AND NEVER HAD ANY REAL HAPPY TIMES APART FROM WHAT NORMAL KIDS LIKE, LIKE GOING ON HOILIDAY I DID THAT, ITS HARD TO EXPLAIN BUT THIS PERSON WHO I CARNT CALL MY OWN ANYMORE CARN'T EVEN ADMIT IT AFTER 35YRS AGO, WELL WHATS HE GOT TO GAIN FROM IT, IM TELLING YOU NOW THAT I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO LIVE WITH MYSELF THATS WHY IM TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY ACTIONS. THIS PERSON IS SAYING IM JUST MAKING LIES UP AND TRYING TO MAKE PEOPLE FEEL SORRY FOR ME THATS JUST A COWRD BECAUSE IM NOT RUNNING AWAY FROM MY PROBLEMS HOW CAN SOMEONE DO THAT BUT ATLEAST I NOW KNOW ITS WRONG ''DONT WORRY NOT HALF AS BAD AS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME'' BUT STILL ITS STILL BAD ANYWAY I JUST WANTED TO RIGHT IT DOWN I STILL NEED MORE ANSWERS BUT I WILL FIND THEM SOON. BYE

Hi Rachel...you have to go with what you know in your heart. It sound like you have a good idea that something wasn't as it should be and if you have confronted then you have to stand by your own heart.

Don't listen to him or anyone else who wants you to think you are wrong somehow. You know the truth and it wil set you free.

It sounds to me like you need to see a doctor about your physicall condition. Years of stress and anxiety, especially if kept hidden, can do damage to our bodies.. I am a living example of that.

It might be a good idea to start journaling your pains and aches.. anything your body is telling you so that you can tell a doctor about everything.

Meanwhile, keep talking and you will find your way to healing from the pain caused you in your childhood.I wish you the best.

((((((( Rachel )))))))

Talking and letting it all out helps us heal and this is a safe place to do it...

It's funny how some people are just drawn to abusive people or situations... to many it happens more than once, I think. If you struggle to remember, have you considered hipnotherapy?