[TheOrganicAngel]

Hi everyone,

I don't know how many people may have this problem, but what do you do when someone sees your scars and starts asking about them? I've been getting a lot of questions lately about the scars on my arm and I can never think of what to say to them. Part of me just wants to scream "It's none of your business!!!", but I just can't bring myself to do that. It's too hot where I live to wear long sleeves all the time, and makeup doesn't work too well. My scars are far too deliberate to be passed off as simple cat scratches...so I'm rather at a loss.

So, I suppose my question is: how do you deal when people ask you about your scars? Or, how do you conceal them to keep others from noticing? I would like to encourage the forum to share their ideas--maybe we all could learn something new?

Take care, everyone.

~Alexiel

[hereiam]

I usually say something like "Oh God, it's a long story..." or something like that then quickly change the subject. If they keep asking I basically just become very cold and unresponsive to the person so they leave me alone.

Cause, seriously? Totally none of their business.

[christopherm317]

I don't really know all about this subject. But me personally I was attacked by a cat I thought was mine. You know in the middle of the night grabbing a gray cat seems simple. As I picked the cat up plopping him of my shoulder he did the satanic three sixty slicing me all the way around. Yeah a pint of blood later realizing that cat was not my cat. I have those kinda scars across my arm. So to wrap it up make up so really interesting excuse to defer from the truth. Just a thought might not be any help. Good luck

Yeah, I have that problem. And it does get just too darned hot to wear long sleeves all year around.

Sometimes people ask me. I have the same problem of not knowing what to say. I usually mutter something about being in an accident. If they keep asking I just say 'I don't want to talk about it'. I think it is pretty obvious anyway that they are self inflicted so I don't feel badly 'lying' or 'misleading' peoples for asking a question like that that is none of their damned business.

Sometimes people even say 'I hope you don't think I am rude in asking, but'. I am sort of tempted to say 'actually, yes, I do think you are being rude in asking'. They have faded a bit over time and with getting a tan. I am trying to find out about this stuff that you can get to reduce the appearance of scars. But slit wrist scars are pretty obvious. And some of them are pattened so they certaintly do look intentional.

It is a hard thing.
I haven't figured that one out properly myself yet.

[ickydog2006]

When I only had a few I used "have you ever tried to give a cat antibiotics...it doesn't work very well" Now I have so many and most of them are extremely obvious they wern't an accident so I just try to avoid the subject or say "it doesn't matter". Most people I've met don't notice or pretend not to. They tend to want to stay igorant and as for the others that don't I get cod to them and ignore them until they leave me alone. Sorry I can't be more help.

a cat.. (oh my gosh i don't have a cat) at my parents house.. um.. started scratching me all up and down one arm.. i threw him down but he already had drew blood.. but um. its not serious. looks worse than it was.

[jetblackaura]

Nobody really asks me, but if they did I'd panic and probably say nothing. I'm scared that when i get a tan my scars will show up more.

[Shar]

Sorry to be answering so long after your post; hope you don't mind.

I think people (other than small children) who ask about ANY kind of scar on someone else have earned whatever they get (except physical violence). It is NOBODY's business about any scar anywhere on one's body, except for the owner of the scar. IMO.

Or, for that matter, any kind of mark at all--birthmarks, dark spots/liver spots, burn marks, etc.--on one's person is completely private (even though other's can see it). We can SEE all sorts of things on other people that we KNOW it would be totally inappropriate to ask about or comment on. At least I think most folks would know--obviously some don't!

Anyhow, I would like to suggest two options: one is to shut them down and the other is to bore them to death.

Shutting them down:
Repeat "I beg your pardon?" over and over again until they stop asking.
Or, nicely thank them for their concern, without answering the question.
Tell them nicely that you're fine now, and don't answer.
Saying "I don't discuss this." is fine, IMO.
Saying, "It's a private matter" is fine, or "It's none of your business."
Or, you can look all around you, then say "Oh, were you talking to ME?" and, of course, don't answer the question.
It is more effective, IMO, if any brief comment you make is followed by silence and a direct look into their eyes.

Boring them to death:

Now, I think this can be fun! Because, they have violated your privacy (or are attempting to), you have certain inalienable rights to use whatever verbal feedback you choose IMO.

I recommend making up an EXTREMELY LONG story, that has nothing to do with scars, and is EXTREMELY BORING and hard to follow, throw in lots of names (my cousin's friend's mother, Kathleen) and tangents...

Brief example: Oh, and about that time I went to Minneapolis--silly me, I went there in the winter, if you can believe that! But the one really cool thing was this sweet bed and breakfast I stayed at with my sister's best friend's cousin, Marie. It was one of those places that was like going back 100 years ago...except it did have electricity and all that, of course. And, the room had the cutest curtains, sort of country meets New York. But, anyways, as I was saying earlier, at that time I was driving a Chevy Nova, and it was always overheating, and with traffic jams, I'd just sit there helplessly and watch the needle of the thermostat climb, and hope to high heaven that the radiator didn't explode or something. And the job I was working made it really difficult to get to a mechanic because the hours were so varied. I just didn't know what to do at all. Then one day my bosses' racquetball partner, Jennie, said she knew a mechanic who would come right to your office and work on your car, and I finally got it fixed. But, it was so scary there for a while. But, to get back to what I was saying earlier, I'd been following all the NCAA basketball games, and I really thought Louisville would win. Well, I really HOPED they would; Pitino is such a great coach and he used to be at Kentucky where Tubby Smith is now. The Elite 8 games were just breathtaking. Did you see them? Man, I was so happy that Texas Tech did so well! Bobby Knight has only been up there about 3 years, and he has (well first of all) calmed down a LOT, and just worked magic with the club there. And, at the same time all that was happening, we started having the most incredible storms here! Just out of the blue, there was a hail storm that at my house had GOLF BALL sized hail, and luckily I was in town where it was just marble sized, and I was driving home (I had traded in my Nova at that point, and had a little station wagon) and the hail started so I had to pull in to a drive-through window thingy at a nearby bank (this was like 10 pm), until the storm passed. Well, really just until the hail stopped. And, my dogs don't do all that well with big storms, so I was worried about them, too!

Part 2: extremely similar to part one above. Maybe even repeat a few things.

If you enjoy making up stories, you can write it out, and have a whole little series of tales that you just happily string together, and if the questioner tries to leave, just block their way and say, wait, I haven't gotten to the funny part yet. But, be sure not to have a funny part (unless you tell a funny story but do it so badly it makes no sense and then forget the punchline), because that would be more entertaining than boring. Also, if you can throw something in about when you had the flu, and were just SO sick--and get as graphic as you like about just how sick you were and what your symptoms were.

Yeeee Haw! I bet they'll never ask THAT question again! At least not to YOU!

Anyhow, I am not making light of the issue you bring up, because it is extremely intrusive for someone to do that, and hurts you. That is not OK, at all, IMO. I guess it'd be nice to see anybody in that situation get in the driver's seat and take the rude asker on any little journey that the askee chooses.

I hope I haven't been out of line or offensive or anything like that. I guess I'm just a little bent in some ways.

Good luck (and give 'em hell!),
Shar

i have an answer also.....when someone asks me a question that i am NOT going to answer, i say, "why do you ask?".....shuts 'em down fast.........xoxox pat p.s. who is going to say, "well, i'm insens tive ***** who goes around asking personal questions"....

[silver_queen]

lol - that's a good thing to say Pat. I've never been asked about all my various marks but I probably will be in the summer, and I think that's a good suggestion.

[Shar]

Great idea, F!!

Thanks!!

S

[jennie]

i wish i could do that Shar

[jennie]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
when someone asks me a question that i am NOT going to answer, i say, "why do you ask?".....shuts 'em down fast.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

i'm gonna have to remember that one. excellent question applicable to almost any question i want to avoid

i ihave another anwer that i use on people that are confronting me or ragging me when i know that what i did wasn't what they "saw" or "heard" me do.....when they say, "you always spend more time cutting your grass than you spend polishing the silver".....i say, "you may be right".......my priest told me to say that to my mother-in-law about 40 years ago!!!!

[Shar]

So, what's stopping you, Jennie? You are stronger than you know. Far stronger than you ever suspected, I bet!

And, it's fun. You just have to make sure that it SEEMS like you are sincerely going to answer the question, and then offer up a nice word salad. After a while, stop (mid-sentence if you want), as if to say "there's your answer" and look at them nicely. And, don't say anything more.

It is very empowering when *you* get into the driver's seat.

Good luck!

Shar

[izzy07]

Ugh, that's such a hard one. You really never quite know what to say. It makes me really angry when people ask that question as its really none of their business at all. But I'm just too "goody two shoes" to tell them where to go. It just really hurts. I like the idea of asking them back why they are asking this in the first place as it really is none of their business and they should have that basic respect for the privacy of other human beings. I ALWAYS wear long sleeves, no matter what, but sometimes your sleeves fall back and you just find someone staring at your arms. It really stinks. I hope you find a way to deal with such insensitive, probing questions in the future. But remember, they're being the arses and not you.

[TheOrganicAngel]

Hey everyone, thanks for answering! I'm sorry I haven't responded in a while--it's the week of finals at my university and I've been running around in a daze for the past few weeks.

Shar, you rock! Those are some GREAT ideas! I have to agree, one of the best ways to deal with unwanted questioning is humour and confusion. Just about everything bounces off of those, it seems. I am so grateful for the wisdom you and everyone else has shared--I feel so much more confident about my ability to handle nosy people. Yay!

If anyone has any more ides they like to share, please feel free--there may be something for everybody and alternatives are always appreciated. (((hugs))). Thanks again, folks.

Take care and be safe,

~Alexiel