[Rapunzel]

The only reason I'm not cutting right now is because T would be disappointed. I don't have any big reasons to do it, but I feel like it anyway. Was holding my own with working way too many shifts and only getting 2-3 hours of sleep in between before going back to work again. Worked one shift on, one shift off, since Friday, ending with graveyard last night. Was doing fine until I left this morning, and now I feel like I'm just crashing.

Turned down a change of position that would have been full-time, salaried M-F 8-4, with a raise. I can't commit to those hours - kids would be unattended (ages 13, 11, 7) and I couldn't really do justice to that and my other (8-15 hours and only 3 per week through the summer) job that I prefer. But I wish that I could do both, and I wish that they valued me enough at what I'm doing that they would pay me more than $6 an hour. I hate that I'm essentially just a disposible resource to them. Something to use up and burn out and replace. A dime a dozen. Most employees there have 2-3 jobs - we can't live on what they pay us!

I came home this morning, and hubby is off today, and he's just playing games on the computer and the 7-year-old drew all over my keyboard (electronic piano-type keyboard) with permanent markers and hubby just lets them run amuck and trash everything, and takes them out to lunch for it after I had said they have no privileges until they clean up the messes they made and write the essays I assigned them, and everybody is blowing me off and I don't have enough energy to do anything about it.

And the more I think about it, the worse I'm feeling. I want to hurt, but not this way.

I don't have anything to complain about. It's all my own stupid fault. And I shouldn't say stuff like that either.

Sorry about this. Oops. T said I'm apologizing for too much too.

[wi_fighter]

(((((((((((Rap)))))))))))

((((((((((((Rap))))))))))) Sounds like you have allot going on. I can tell why there is alot of stress inside. If you need to vent, feel free to pm me.

[HALLIEBETH87]

take care

[dayzee9]

Hey Rapunzel...... NEVER apologize for stating/posting how you feel........that's what these forums were made for..........I just feel bad when someone really shares their thoughts of the heart and then apologizes for it.......I think; Keep "talking from the heart"l it's quite refreshing!!!

w/((((((((((hugs?)))))))))))if you want them! DAYZEE9

[SweetCrusader]

(((((((((((((Wendy)))))))))))))

Your imperfect, fumbling, yet adoring friend here still loves you...

I am behind you 100%

[Hope4me2]

Rap

Take care and do something good for yourself....I am trying to do that it is HARD I know but I am trying to learn how to do that and this week I put it into practice....got my hair cut, my nails done, and now today my hair colored and a facial....if I do not take care of myself who will....that is what my T says....
Please do not apologize for stating how you feel.....please keep posting and letting out your feelings....I have had a tough week too but letting them out through writing and posting and taking care of me has helped....not take the feelings away completely but it does help.....I still SIed and I feel bad about it but like others have stated before here....I am human too...
take care dear friend....we all love you here....

[Rapunzel]

((((((((((Wi))))))))))))
(((((((Esther))))))))))
(((((((Hallie))))))))))
((((((((Susan)))))))))
(((((((((Pat))))))))))))
((((((((dayzee)))))))))
((((((((Angela))))))))))
((((((((((Hope))))))))))

Thanks for all the love and support. It's exactly what I need. Attitude stinks too much to think of anything nice I could do for myself without rejecting it. A bath sounds nice, but I was too tired last night and don't have time today. I don't want to go back to work again, and I'm way overscheduled this week too.

[Rapunzel]

Does just playing with the knife a little bit and making some scratches (no blood) count?

(and do I have to tell T about it?)

[dalila]

<font color="green"> Well, I operate from a center of guiltiness so I would not be able not to tell, if not the next time I saw her, the next time after. However, I will say congrats on the amount of restrain you did show. </font>

Hi sweetie. Yes, you DO have to tell your T. Cuz that's why you have her, silly goose. She is there to help with this very issue. (yes, I know...easier said than done!)

Big hugs, emmy

i agree with miss ems.

[SweetCrusader]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Does just playing with the knife a little bit and making some scratches (no blood) count?

(and do I have to tell T about it?)

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You don't HAVE to do anything, except make your own decisions, my grown-up friend

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((((Wendy))))))))))))))))))

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{dalila, Emmy, Pat, Angela, Fuzzy}}}}}}}}}}}

Thanks to all of you. By now my disappointment has worn down to generally feeling extremely tired (which may just as well be related to being overscheduled and not getting enough sleep), and general lack of motivation/not wanting to be there (or anyplace else for that matter). And I feel disconnected from everything and unuseful. The job that I wanted (that has hours I could do) has been given to the boss's roommate, who has worked there much less time than I have and is still a student. I'm really getting resentful about being strung along at $6 an hour, and it's not entirely fair because they did offer me the secretary job, and I turned it down. But why can't I be worth something for what I'm doing? I had been giving 200% and trying to show what I'm worth, and I've been told that I'm doing well, and I get asked to train new staff quite often (they even change my schedule to have me working with new staff to be trained). And now I'm questioning why I'm doing this. All along I've stayed there out of loyalty to the girls and because I was learning a lot. I think I've reached the end of what I'm going to learn though, and burn-out is hitting pretty hard. If they want to keep me, they are going to have to come through with a raise or something, and I really need some time off. My other job is sending me to training this month, and I'll be away for one whole week and a few days another week too. I hope that helps. I hope I'll even be able to find the enthusiasm to make that worthwhile. Right now all my enthusiasm for anything is completely drained.

About the scratches, which are fairly significant, I'm not sure that T wants to know. I'll tell her if she says something like congratulating me for handling this well or anything like that, because then I would feel guilty, but I'm supposed to stop defining myself in terms of symptoms like that. She seems to be saying that there is an actual person in here somewhere, hiding behind symptoms like si and workaholic stuff and all that. It doesn't really feel like it though.