uncontrollably

I want to cry uncontrollably, cut uncontrollably and then someone to come and yell at me for being stupid childish drama queen and order me to get back to work. Kind of to repeat the story as it was after state physics exam back in highschool, when I came home and cried the whole day nonstop because I thought I failed it, and then my mom came in the evening and ordered me to stop acting out and go to sleep. And so I did.

The only difference - I didn't cut then.

I want to want to hurt myself really badly, to make up for all the times when I really really wanted to get drunk and overdose (not in sui way, just to make myself feel really really bad), but couldn't, either because I wasn't alone or I had some very very important stuff to do the next day. I could do it today, but I don't feel like it and it makes me MAD MAD MAD MAD MAD MAD MAD

I'm sorry you're feeling very frustrated. Do you have a therapist? Have you tried holding ice cubes in your hands - many people find this is a good coping technique. There also good info in the 'sticky' post at the top of this forum. I hope you feel some relief soon.

Hello, 3velniai. What would your therapist say?

I have no idea... But maybe I should find out, I see her tomorrow

Good luck tomorrow. Please let us know how it goes.

So it sounds like you are stuck between being able to do what you want and being restrained by others or by situations that keep you busy? How did your T appt. go?

It was a crappy appt. Not that it was bad, but I realized I'll start to cry if I say a word about the things that matter, and I don't want to be that stupid crying thing in front of her, so I spent the whole hour trying not to cry and we talked about small stuff like my workload, short holiday and feeding seagulls. I want to tell her a lot of things, just not when I'm in the room. Blah... I guess I'm too stupid for therapy, part of me never thought that therapy is a good idea, maybe that part is right after all.
Feel like falling into the hurt myself --> be a mess at work tomorrow --> mess up work stuff --> feel guilty --> go hurt myself some more --> be a mess at work day after that cycle.

Vel, I'm so sorry that you are disppointed in your appt. It is understandable that you want to stay composed in therapy but look what can't be accomplished if you hold to this rule. Can you be flexible about this desire to stay composed? You can work through this Vel. Please don't throw in the towel...........

I don't know... I don't know anything about anything... feel like my normal thinking is slowly switching off and I don't feel like fighting to stay "normal", "logical", "present" or similar. Wrote a stupid email to T, shouldn't have done that, shouldn't have done that...

Would you be able to put what is really bothering you in an email and send it before your next session?

Would you also be willing before your next session to do some research on the benefits of crying?

Good luck.

How's it going Vel?

it seems like this week can't get more complicated than it is now because the theoretical limits of being complicated are already exceeded. I had the huge (I mean HUGE) misunderstanding with T because of the stupid email I sent her yesterday. And I have to decide if I want to switch jobs until Friday. I have no idea what I want, not in this state of mind. Bad bad BAD time for making decisions. I want to cut to just make my head clear again. I don't see any other way to achieve that. And no holding ice cubes will solve it. Damn. I'm a mess.

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I'm sorry I can't give you any good words of wisdom. I would try to see T more if you can. At least to help get your grounded again. Good luck and please keep us posted.

You 2 should be able to work out the misunderstanding. There is a lot of good stuff that comes out of working through that. Are you all trying to work it out?

Do you want to talk more about the job issue here so that it becomes clearer to you?